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  #511 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2008, 10:16 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
(this could probably qualify as a redneck joke, also)

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got the following reply. “Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.

My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.

Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife.

So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.

As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.

Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.

Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: “Move over!”

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  #512 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2008, 10:19 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Baseball Nuns

Three Nuns Were Attending A Cubs Baseball Game..

Three Men Were Sitting Directly Behind..
Because Their Habits Were Partially Blocking The View,

The Men Decided To Badger The Nuns Hoping That They'd

Get Annoyed Enough To Move To Another Area..


In A Very Loud Voice, The First Guy Said,

'i Think I'm Going To Move To Utah .. There Are Only 100 Nuns Living There..'

Then The Second Guy Spoke Up And Said,

'i Want To Go To Montana .. There Are Only 5o Nuns Living There..'

The Third Guy Said,

'i Want To Go To Idaho .. There Are Only 25 Nuns Living There..'

One Of The Nuns Turned Around, Looked At The Men, And

In A Very Sweet And Calm Voice Said,
'why Don't You Go To Hell .. There Aren't Any Nuns There!'
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  #513 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2008, 01:34 AM
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  #514 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2008, 02:30 AM
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I guess this could go here..
Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns…

Later, mikey
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my signature lines...not really directed at anyone in particular..

BE different....ACT normal.

No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
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  #515 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2008, 03:28 PM
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this made me laugh

Three men from New Zealand and three Austrailians were traveling by train in Europe to follow their teams rugby matches. At the station, the three Australians each bought a ticket and watched as the three New Zealanders bought just one ticket between them.

"How are you three boys going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Aussies.

"Watch and learn!", answered one of the Kiwis.

They all boarded the train. The three Australians took their respective seats but the three boys from New Zealand all crammed into one toilet and slammed the door shut behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting the tickets.

He knocked on the toilet door and said: "Ticket, please!"

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.

The Aussies saw this and thought it was quite a clever maneuver.

After the game, they decided to copy the Kiwis on the return trip and save some money. At the station they bought just a single ticket for their return trip.

To their astonishment, the New Zealanders didn't buy a single ticket.

" How are you boys gonna travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Australians.

"Watch and learn!", replied one of the Kiwis.

When they boarded the train, the three Aussies all crammed into a toilet and slammed the door shut. Soon thereafter, the three men from New Zealand all crammed into another toilet close by.

After the train began rolling, one of the Kiwis left the toilet and walked over to the toilet where the three from Oz were hiding.

He knocked on their door and said with an official voice: "Ticket, please!"
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  #516 (permalink)  
Old 11-01-2008, 08:20 AM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by staleg

That's right .
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  #517 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2008, 07:59 AM
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A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.

There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive It was, and she said to her husband, 'It's nearly frozen to death.

Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?'

He says, 'OK, Get in the car with it.'

The wife says, 'Where shall I put it to get it warm?'

He says, 'Put it between your legs. It's nice and warm there.'

'But what about the smell?' said the wife.

'Just hold its little nose.'

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
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  #518 (permalink)  
Old 11-08-2008, 10:44 AM
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  #519 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2008, 01:54 AM
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  #520 (permalink)  
Old 11-10-2008, 11:47 PM
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The older woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double".
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
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  #521 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2008, 01:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rossco
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a "Sportsman's Double".
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom, you still awake?'
I have this image in my head that won´t quit.
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  #522 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2008, 11:48 AM
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I guess it was expected and inevitable wasn't it ?

http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?itemid=3834
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  #523 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2008, 12:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
I guess it was expected and inevitable wasn't it ?

http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?itemid=3834
.....and so is this:
http://gatewaypundit.blogspot.com/20...ity-force.html

and here:

http://www.topix.com/forum/news/2008...N93UD9H6FAHQ8A

and many more (BUT SINCE THIS IS THE DAILY FUNNY, I DO APOLOGIZE BUT NEEDED TO ADD TO WRETCH'S POST )
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  #524 (permalink)  
Old 11-11-2008, 12:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
I guess it was expected and inevitable wasn't it ?

http://unconfirmedsources.com/index.php?itemid=3834
THEN THERE IS THIS....http://www.topix.com/forum/news/2008...N93UD9H6FAHQ8A(but not funny - sorry)
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  #525 (permalink)  
Old 11-12-2008, 04:00 PM
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Having a Bill Engvall Day

I fixed a ham this morning and when I took it out of the oven, I sliced off a piece and took it into the livingroom where the Wiff was for her to taste. She ate it and said "that's the best ham you have ever cooked does it all taste that way?"

Here's yer sign

Then this evening she was watching the news and she came into the computer room and said "they found this woman's body in this lady's front yard - Dead"

Here's yer sign
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