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  #526 (permalink)  
Old 11-13-2008, 06:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Having a Bill Engvall Day

I fixed a ham this morning and when I took it out of the oven, I sliced off a piece and took it into the livingroom where the Wiff was for her to taste. She ate it and said "that's the best ham you have ever cooked does it all taste that way?"

Here's yer sign

Then this evening she was watching the news and she came into the computer room and said "they found this woman's body in this lady's front yard - Dead"

Here's yer sign

I just dont get that man !!! doh!!
russ
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  #527 (permalink)  
Old 11-14-2008, 07:18 AM
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HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2049


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .

Castro finally dies at age 122; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2052.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2056.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Flori-duh voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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  #528 (permalink)  
Old 11-15-2008, 09:15 PM
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Grandpa

A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and his poorly
behaving 3-year-old grandson at every turn.
It's obvious gramps has his hands full with the
kid screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for
fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, gramps is working his way around saying in
a controlled voice, 'Easy Albert, we won't be long, easy boy..' Another outburst and she hears
gramps calmly say, 'It's OK Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be
outta here; hang in there'.
At the checkout the little terror is throwing items from the cart and gramps
again in a controlled voice is saying, 'Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't
get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, Albert..'
Very impressed, the woman goes up to gramps as
he's loading the kid and the groceries into the car and says, 'You know sir,
it's none of my business but you were amazing in there.. I don't know how you did it.
The whole time you kept your composure and no matter how loud and
disruptive he got you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. Albert is very
lucky to have you for his grandpa.'
'Thanks lady', said gramps, ''but I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Johnny
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  #529 (permalink)  
Old 11-15-2008, 11:53 PM
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muahahaha

very funny

russ
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  #530 (permalink)  
Old 11-17-2008, 10:34 PM
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The Farmer

Last year I was in the US and while driving in Arkansas became lost. I could see a farmer ploughing a field and waited until he came around by the road and then waved him down so I could ask him for directions. When he stepped down from the tractor I noticed he wasn't wearing any pants. My curiosity got the better of me and so I had to ask.......
"Excuse me Sir, but I see you are not wearing any pants"
"Well that is all my wife's idea. You see, yesterday I was out here on my tractor ploughing the field with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck"
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  #531 (permalink)  
Old 11-18-2008, 10:41 PM
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A Cow's Tail

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?'

'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.'

'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's "you know What.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!''

'I don't remember much after that'
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  #532 (permalink)  
Old 11-19-2008, 04:53 PM
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Investment tips for late 2008:

For all of you with any money left, you may may want to watch for the next round of expected mergers (these are still under wraps according to the hush hush Wall Street buzz).


1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.


2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers will join forces and become: Poly, Warner, Cracker.


3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.


4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will consolidate and become: ZipAudiDoDa.


5. FedEX is expected to join it's competitor and become: FedUp.


6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.


7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.


8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!



In a while, Chet.
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  #533 (permalink)  
Old 11-27-2008, 09:13 PM
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Daily Funny

2008's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'
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  #534 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2008, 03:40 PM
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Haha

A lady and her dog were enjoying a lovely stroll in the park. All of a sudden, her dog was mounted from behind by a large Rotweiler. The Rottie was really humping away and the lady was frantically trying to break them up, to no avail.

A small boy walked up and stuck his finger in the Rot's butt and the action immediately stopped.

The lady was amazed. "How did you do that?" she asked.

The little boy said, "That's my dog and he certainly can dish it out, but he sure can't take it."
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  #535 (permalink)  
Old 11-29-2008, 05:26 PM
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Fellow Business Executives:

As the CFO of this business that employees 140 people, I have resigned
myself to the fact that Barrack Obama will be our next President, and that
our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.

To compensate for these increases, I figure that the Clients will have to
see an increase in our fees of about 8% but since we cannot increase our
fees right now due to the dismal state of our economy, we will have to lay
off six of our employees instead. This has really been eating at me for a
while, as we believe we are family here and I didn't know how to choose who
will have to go.

So, this is what I did. I strolled thru our parking lot and found 8 Obama
bumper stickers on our employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the first to be laid off. I can't think of a more fair way to approach this
problem. These folks wanted change; I gave it to them.

If you have a better idea, let me know.

Sincerely,
John Q. Businessman
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  #536 (permalink)  
Old 11-30-2008, 09:42 PM
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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said,
"Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good!'
Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.'


She heard a loud whisper: 'Screw the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little *****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted.
And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh crap, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."


In a while, Chet.
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  #537 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 09:32 AM
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Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:


First Guy:
'You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.'

Second Guy:
'That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.'

Third Guy:
'Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.'

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.

So they ask him, 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy:
'I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on the *** and said: 'Golf course or intercourse?'

She said: 'Wear sun-block.'
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  #538 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 11:50 AM
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.



One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it and attempt to convert it.



Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.'

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.'
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  #539 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 12:03 PM
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.

But it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed: 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said:

'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out: 'Oh god, darling, this one's even tighter!'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:

'That's my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
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  #540 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 12:07 PM
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A bloke is having a night out drinking with his mates when finally, the pub closes & the landlord kicks them out.
They realise everywhere else is closed, so one of the group says: "Come over to my place, I've got a fridge full of beer!"
So they all pile back to the guy's flat & continue drinking well into the early hours.
After a while, one of them notices a gong in the corner of the guy's apartment.
"What's that?" He asks.
The guy replies: "That's my talking clock".
"How does that work, then?" His mate asks.
"I'll show you". So the guy picks up the beater & gives the gong a hard whack.
'DUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGG!'
All of a sudden, a voice pipes up from next door:


"FOR PETE'S SAKE, IT'S TWENTY PAST BLOODY THREE IN THE MORNING!"
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