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  #541 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 01:09 PM
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One day, a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said.
"We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, Tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."




"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow."




You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs!


You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

The guy replied: "No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!" Said the demon....

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  #542 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 01:12 PM
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A three year old boy is in the bath examining his testicles.

He says to his Mum:
"Are these my brains?"

His Mum replies:
"Not yet, son!"
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  #543 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 02:57 PM
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Women Are Evil By Nature.


A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. '
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly
stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'

'Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and
slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and
allowing him to suck them gently.

'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
'Tell him,' she whispered, '



There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.'





R
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"Illegitimis non carborundum"
Don't let the bastards grind you down!

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  #544 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 06:35 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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  #545 (permalink)  
Old 12-03-2008, 09:48 PM
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Best one I have read in awhile
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  #546 (permalink)  
Old 12-04-2008, 06:49 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TorkMonster400
Best one I have read in awhile
thanks, I enjoyed it also
_________________________________________________
A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making Love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your Children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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  #547 (permalink)  
Old 12-06-2008, 05:31 PM
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OLDY but a goody

Never Lose Your Grandpa!

A heartwarming story.



A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.


He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

"The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
russ
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  #548 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2008, 06:21 PM
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I got this in an email...

VERY Helpful household hints

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop them.


Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.


For those with high blood pressure ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a couple minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. However, do not forget to use a timer.




A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.


If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. You'll be too afraid to cough.



You only need two tools in life-

WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40.

If it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.



If you can't fix it with a hammer, you have an electrical problem.



Bonus


Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.



In a while, Chet.
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  #549 (permalink)  
Old 12-09-2008, 11:35 AM
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...and they make our laws!!!

A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples:


1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

(On an airplane!)



2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. While I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa .''
Her response - click.


3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando .
He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.
I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)


4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.'' She said, ''But they look so close on the map. (OMG, again!)


5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas . When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)


6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroitleft at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!'' After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it (I was dying laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, CA is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.


8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California, and then take the train to Hawaii ?''


9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?'' I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''


10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?'' I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola , FL on a commuter plane. She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, ''Look, I' ve been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''


12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.'' I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?'' ''Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady. After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere.' ''The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?'' The reply?
''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''


Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in! Could anyone be this DUMB?


YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED!
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  #550 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2008, 08:29 PM
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how true is this

Do you know why?


When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
And his throat gets dry,
He goes weak in the knees,
And he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wonder why?




It's because she smells like a new truck
Russ
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  #551 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2008, 06:26 PM
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ears

Subject: Ears


A young man moved into a new flat of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a just a negligee,

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her negligee slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor lad broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,...... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at my breasts;
they are full and totally natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ... 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me'


(Think about it !!! )
russ
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  #552 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2008, 04:29 AM
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Christmas Fruit Cake



Ingredients:

1 cup water
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp baking powder
1 bottle whisky
2 cups dried fruit
8oz nuts
lemon juice
12oz flour
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
8oz butter



Method:


Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again, to be sure it is of highest quality, pour one level cup & drink. Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer, beat two ounces of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar & beat again. Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixerer. Break two bowls & add to the eggs & chuck in dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it looser with a drewscriver. Sample the whisky again to check for consistedy.
Next, sift two sup of sale or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice & strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out the window. Check the whisky again & go to bed.
Next day, take three aspirins & go to the store. Buy Christmas Fruit Cake.
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  #553 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 01:41 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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  #554 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 04:07 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Toss a shoe at Dubbya
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  #555 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 04:36 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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The New Redneck Play Station

You want to swat something? Here you go.

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

Last edited by carsavvycook; 12-18-2008 at 03:03 AM.
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