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  #556 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 04:53 PM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Toss Santa

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  #557 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 06:27 PM
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thanx malc

i threw the mother 272.9 metres
russ
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Old 12-17-2008, 06:52 PM
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319.6 metres

beat that
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:15 PM
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346.1, right up to the reindeers butt.
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  #560 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2008, 10:02 PM
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I got lucky tossing Santa 350.4m a total 6 times tonight, right along side of the reindeer. It's the best distance I can seem to be able to get

Thanks Malc, the rain we have been needing for years around here has been keeping me awake. This gave me something to occupy my time with.

Last edited by carsavvycook; 12-18-2008 at 03:01 AM.
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  #561 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2008, 11:33 PM
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re-post , but hilarous

Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---

Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill, what happened?'

'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
============ ========= ========= ========= ========
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  #562 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2008, 11:53 PM
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I found this on another site and just about quit breathing. Too funny!


On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,' said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the boy, 'You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all.
Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.


In a while, Chet.
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  #563 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2008, 04:20 AM
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DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELLER!




December 8 6:00 PM

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!





December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!





December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry - we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such A nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.





December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.





December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly.. We aren't in Alaska , after all.






December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my @rse on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.





December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.





December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor's kid to help shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.





December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white $h!t fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the A-hole is lying.





December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning.. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.





December 24

6 inches - The snow was packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a 8!tcl-l who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.





December 25

Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn $h!t tonight - Snowed in.. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.





December 26

Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.






December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.





December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The 8!tcl-l is driving me crazy!!!





December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?





December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his arse. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.





December 31

I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shovelling.





January 8

Feel so good.. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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  #564 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2008, 06:31 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
DIARY OF A DEMENTED SNOW SHOVELLER!


Feel so good.. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
Sounds like my part of Upstate NY - Grandma Moses land which is just up the road a very few miles.

Lotsa of snow in the past couple of weeks, ice, the rain, cold, today the wind is howling 35-40 with gusts to 50+ mph........and I can't wait to leave here!!!!!

Dave W
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  #565 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2008, 10:13 AM
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A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty young female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99!

The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand; I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two .... Three...............'
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  #566 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2009, 09:50 AM
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We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.. but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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Old 01-07-2009, 10:19 AM
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Dang it HH, now I have clean the coffee and slobber from both myself and my wife off the monitor and hope the keyboard will continue to work after that one!!!

Dave W
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Old 01-07-2009, 10:58 AM
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Ha ha ha...Lmao @ Dave
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  #569 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2009, 03:07 PM
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An armed and hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way outthe door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight at him and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also. Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor. Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments silence then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says: 'I think me wife may have caught a glimpse ....'
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Old 01-10-2009, 10:49 PM
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oh,nuts

Subject: Men !
Thought this one would give you a laugh!!

A typical bloke, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?' She replies, 'I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.' 'Amazing,' he notes. 'You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.' 'Oh, this thing?' explains the woman. 'I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottomFrom palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptustree.' 'But, where did you get the tools?' 'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman. 'On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware..' The guy is stunned. 'Let's row over to my place,' she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, 'It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?' 'No! No thank you,' he blurts out, still dazed.'I can't take another drop of coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' winks the woman. 'I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?' Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor in the bathroom cabinet.' No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he muses. 'What next?' When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely.There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?' She stares into his eyes .. He swallows excitedly, tears start to form in his eyes and gasps.... '*********g hell, don't tell me you've got Sky Sports?'
russ
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