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  #571 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2009, 06:36 PM
Rob Keller's Avatar
AKA:"SLOWRIDE66"take it easy!
 
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Talking

A police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.

The kid replied,
Yeah,

Well I got here as fast as I could.'

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.





R

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  #572 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2009, 10:48 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Henry Highrise
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied
3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.. but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
HH, I'm still ROFLMAO ....
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  #573 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2009, 11:12 PM
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At Any Given Moment:



79,000,000 people are engaged in intercourse right now.

58,000,000 are kissing.

37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.



1 lonely bugger is reading this forum

You hang in there sunshine!

russ
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  #574 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2009, 07:39 AM
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You must read this..............a proper decision by the courts..........for a change.

Gotta love this judge!!!!





FLORIDA COURT SETS ATHEIST HOLY DAY

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter and Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews and observances of their holy days.



The argument was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days. The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case dismissed!"



The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays."



The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,

counsel, is woefully ignorant."



The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance

or holiday for atheists."



The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.'

Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.



You gotta love a Judge that knows his scripture!
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  #575 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2009, 10:34 AM
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Neighborhood Hazard (Or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street):
A.K.A: The Demonic Squirrel Story

http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/...iceStreet.html
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  #576 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2009, 02:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brimstone
Neighborhood Hazard (Or: Why the Cops Won't Patrol Brice Street):
A.K.A: The Demonic Squirrel Story

http://lifeisaroad.com/stories/2004/...iceStreet.html

That has to be the funniest thing i have read in a long time thanks for posting it LOL
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  #577 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2009, 01:18 AM
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lol

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'


I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started....
Russ
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  #578 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2009, 07:28 PM
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The meaning of "service"

The Meaning of Service.....

I became confused when I heard these terms with reference to the word

"service".

"Internal Revenue "Service"

U.S. Postal "Service"

Telephone "Service"

Cable "Service"

Civil "Service"

Customer "Service"

State, City & County Public "Service"



This is not what I thought "service" meant. But today, I overheard two

farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a

few cows.

BAM!!!

It all came into focus.

Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am.
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  #579 (permalink)  
Old 01-23-2009, 08:11 PM
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Never understate the wit of our elders. LOL

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one. In classic style he did not bat an eye in his response: "Got drunk once, had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THE WIT OF A 92-YR OLD MAN!!!!
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  #580 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2009, 12:26 AM
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The North Dakota Farmer Story

A man owned a small farm in North Dakota. One day the North Dakota State Wage & Hour Department in Bismark decided he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "There's no list, but there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $300 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $225 per week plus free room and board.


Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and
does almost 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $50 for the week, he pays his own room and board, and then I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. Oh, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to...let me see the half-wit," said the agent.
"Well, you're talking to him," replied the farmer, "What would you like to know."
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  #581 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2009, 09:20 AM
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LOLOL, if that ain't the truth! Show me a guy who owns his business and I'll who you a guy who works "half days". And HE gets to pick which 12 hours!

Brian
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  #582 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2009, 02:39 PM
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i liked this 1

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...




The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'




The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season.'


One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.



He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't

shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

'Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.




Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,
'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.'
Russ lmfao
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  #583 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2009, 02:46 PM
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The Fisherman

A tourist was visiting a Greek fishing village and noticed that a local fisherman had a head no bigger than a tennis ball.
"Why is your head so small?" asked the tourist.
"Well", said the fisherman, "many years ago, I caught a mermaid in my net. I was going to sell her to a marine park when she said, "Let me free and I will grant you three wishes".
"Ok, I would like a beautiful new fishing boat," he said, and lo and behold, a big new boat appeared.
"I wish to be wealthy", he added, and instantly the deck of his new boat was covered with gold ingots.
The fisherman thought about how beautiful the mermaid was and said, "For my third and last wish, I wish to make love to you".
"But you can't," replied the mermaid." I am only half woman".
"Well, in that case," said the fisherman, "how about giving me a little head"?
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  #584 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2009, 03:32 PM
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Growing Up

Eight year old Danny said to his Dad, "I'm going to get married".
Dad smiled. "Who to, Son?"
"My girlfriend Kathy next door. She's eight too."
"Found a place to live?"
"Well", said Danny seriously, "She gets fifty cents a week pocket money, and you give me a dollar, so when we start living together we should be able to manage".
Dad nodded. "You might be able to get by on a dollar fifty a week now, but what will you do when the children start to arrive?"
"No need to worry about that, Dad. We've been really lucky so far".
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  #585 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2009, 10:04 PM
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prankcall

http://getfrank.co.nz/the-greatest-prank-call-ever/
Russ
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