A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the countryside. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather: "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied: "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal".
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again: "Are you sure these plates are clean"?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass, so he said: "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, his grandfather shouted: "COLDWATER, go lay down!"

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'? Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me and said: 'How are you feeling?' Now what the hell would you say?"

A blonde woman goes to a show at a club and after settling down, a ventriloquist comes on the stage and goes through the routine dumb-blonde jokes. Suddenly the woman jumps up screaming obscenities, blaming the man for the way blondes are treated at work and presented to the media. The ventriloquist starts to apologise. The blonde looks at him, then says, "Look, you, stay out of this, I'm talking to that idiot on your knees."

Golfers' Wives

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her
ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good
God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?', Ole demanded. 'Well, you don't
give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches
into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy
yoursel f some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary,
woman! You've no knickers. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the
money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of
decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. 'Sweet m udder of Jaysus,
Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me
enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o
decency, here's a comb ..tidy yerself up a bit.'

A farmer walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer, takes out his wallet and pays for it. As he's taking a sip, the guy beside him says, "I couldn't help but notice when you opened your wallet that you have a picture of a pig in there".

"Indeed," says the farmer. He opens his wallet and takes out the picture. Pointing to it he says, "That there pig didn't save my life once, but TWICE".

"Is that so?" says the guy. "What happened?"

Farmer says, "Well the first time I had the pig in the back of the pick-up. I lost control of the truck and it rolled in the ditch. I got knocked out, but that pig dragged me out through the window. I came to in time to see the truck blow up. The time after that, the house caught on fire in the middle of the night while me and my family slept. Well the pig got so frantic, it broke out of the barn and into the house and woke us all up. There were flames everywhere but we managed to get out safely."

"That is just amazing," says the guy. "But I notice in the picture here your pig only has three legs. I guess he lost it in one of those rescues?"

"No no, it's not like that" says the farmer. "A pig that special, you don't eat all at once."

Here's a little flash clip . Watch it twice. It's pretty good.

Custody case.

Davie, Florida Custody Case

DAVIE, FLORIDA (AP) - A seven-year-old boy by the name of Davie was at the center of a Fort Lauderdale courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody laws and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the best degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Love it!!

Jim was a bit of a swindler. He borrowed money from Bob Joe and Frank but found himself unable to pay them back. The only way out of this, he figured, was to fake his own death. So he sets up a funeral for himself at a chapel where he is exposed in a casket. Among those who show up at the chapel are the three who lent money to Jim.

Bob walks up to the casket and says, "Well Jim, you borrowed ten thousand dollars from me and now you're gone. I guess you can't pay me back now. What can I do? I guess I just have to forgive you."

As Bob walks away, Jim thinks to himself, "Yes! This is good. This is just what I wanted."

Joe walks up to the casket and says, "Jim, you died owing me twenty thousand dollars. I guess you got away with it. Ashes to ashes. How can I keep a grudge?"

As Joe walks away, Jim thinks to himself, "This is fantastic! I can't believe this is working!"

Frank walks up to the casket and says, "Jim you miserable S.O.B. You died with fifty thousand of my money. Although you're already dead, just for my satisfaction I'm gonna take this here knife and I'm gonna stick it in your chest and twist it in your heart."

Jim opens one eye and says to Frank, "YOU, I'll pay!"

Two elderly women were driving to the store in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be seeing things; I could have sworn we just went through a red light.” After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know you just drove though three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!” Mildred turned to her and said sweetly, “Oh, am I driving dear?”

Fifty Years of Math, 1957 - 2007
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction
to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1957
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his
profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1967
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100 His cost
of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his
profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1977
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1987
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His
cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1997
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is
selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the
habitat of animals or the preservation of our
woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20. What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong
answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El
costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero
hahecho?

?Se habla espanol mi chicas e hombres? (no Spanglish keyboard)

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless in N.Y.

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
the United States . Act like one!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair - given that you are blind - that you should know a few things:
1. The bartender is a blonde woman.
2. The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 190 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is a blonde and is a prize-winning amateur weightlifter.
5. The woman to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. DO YOU STILL WANT TO TELL THAT PARTICULAR JOKE?" The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and decides - "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

HER DIARY:::

Tonight I thought my husband was acting wierd: We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long,, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment about it, Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere a little quieter so we could talk,, he agreed, but didn't say much, I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing", I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset, He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it,
On the way home, I told him that I Loved him, he smiled and kept on driving,, I can't explain his behavior, I don't know why he didn't say,, " I love you too". When we got home ,, I felt I ha lost him completely. as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore, he just sat there quietly and watched T.V.,, he seemed distant and absent,, Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed,
about 15 minutes later, he came to bed,, and To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love, but he fell asleep,,,, I cried, I don't know what to do, I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else, My Life is a disater,


HIS DIARY:::

I missed the biggest deer I have ever seen today,,,,but at least I got laid,,,

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
-
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.