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  #586 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2009, 05:19 PM
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bushisms,

'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe . We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush

Russ
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  #587 (permalink)  
Old 01-31-2009, 09:28 PM
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Take my Girlfriend - please

She is a Blond, true Blond! The other night she came home from work all excited about receiving her new checks. I'm on the computer and not paying much attention. About five minutes later she is running around the house looking everywhere. I say "Baby whats up?" She says "Did yous see where I put my checks?" Well we spent the next half hour looking for them and could not find them. I was frustrated and went to bed and told her that she should do the same thing. I was asleep before she came to bed so I don't know how much longer she stayed up. The next morning she found her checks in the refrigerator.

I came up with a dumb Blond joke about it: Why did the Blond put her check book in the refrigerator? She didn't want to go to jail for writing hot checks.
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  #588 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2009, 12:15 PM
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As men age, they start seeing more and more of the medical world and
its employees, which nowadays seems to have more and more women as their
Physicians and Therapists, etc.

In this case it was a new Urologist ..........

My family Doctor just recently referred me to a just out of medical
school female urologist.

I saw her yesterday, and she's absolutely drop-dead gorgeous as well as
unbelievably sexy.

She told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why, and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you......"
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  #589 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2009, 04:56 PM
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what about dis 1 mon

The sandal shop




A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring
around the market place looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!'
So they walked in, and the Jamaican said, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in... Dey make you wild at sex.'

The wife got really interested in buying the sandals, but the husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the shopkeeper, 'How could sandals make you into a sex freak?'
'The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon. You doan haff to do nutting cept try dem on.'
So the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips. The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on da wrong feet! Man,you got dem on da wrong feet!'...
russ
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  #590 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2009, 05:01 PM
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Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was
feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back
at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note
hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

'Honey,
Breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
Steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old son is also
at the table, already eating.
Jack asks, 'Son, what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind, you fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order?
And so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for
me??'

His son replies,
'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take
Your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b***h, I'm married!!'

Broken coffee Table $239.99
Hot breakfast $4.20
Two aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:

PRICELESS!


In a while, Chet.
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  #591 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2009, 05:03 PM
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Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'


In a while, Chet.
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  #592 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2009, 04:09 PM
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And this

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"


"I can't tell you," the black man says.



Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.



On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"



"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the blackman.



"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.



"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.



And the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".




The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

russ
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  #593 (permalink)  
Old 02-08-2009, 12:10 AM
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One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Minnesota were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and----Just then the electricity went off The wife had a worried look on her face when she said, "Sweetheart, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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  #594 (permalink)  
Old 02-17-2009, 11:48 PM
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posted also on religion

--

last time i was in church the
----------------------------------------------------
minister asked if anyone had seen a ghost, 6 people put their hands up, then asked if anyone had spoken to a ghost , 2 people put their hands up.Then he asked if anyone had had sex with a ghost, 1 old guy put his hand up,and the minister said "you had sex with a ghost?"
Old timer then replied "sorry, i thought you said a goat"
Lmfao
Russ
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  #595 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2009, 06:45 PM
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An american couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly
and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams
back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him
to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down..

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and
demands an explanation.

'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'

The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'









'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!

Russ
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  #596 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2009, 04:41 PM
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GOTTA LOVE LITTLE BOYS
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.

Russ
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  #597 (permalink)  
Old 02-21-2009, 07:58 AM
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Jeff Gordon

Why did Jeff Gordon's wife divorce him?

Because all he wanted to do was sit on the pole!

Last edited by Chris Kemp; 02-25-2009 at 06:59 PM.
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  #598 (permalink)  
Old 02-26-2009, 04:31 PM
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Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
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  #599 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2009, 12:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MI2600
Two Nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome.

One leans over to the other and says, "I've never come this way before."

The other Nun whispers, "It's the cobblestones."
I am emailing this one out....lmao!
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  #600 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2009, 06:08 PM
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The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK Government's Youth Opportunity Scheme and employ people from Glasgow.

The decision to hire them followed a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from the Govan and Possilpark areas of Glasgow were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds with millions of euros worth of high tech equipment.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown went on record as saying this was a bold move by the Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.

As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari thought they had the advantage over every team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the first practice session, the Govan & Possilpark pit crew successfully changed the tyres in less than 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Carlsberg Special, 50 ecstasy tablets and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower

Russ
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