Several cannibals were appointed as engineers in a defense company.
"You're all part of our team now," said the boss during the welcoming ceremony. "You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, so please don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later the boss returned and said, "You're all working very hard and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and YOU had to go and eat the janitor!"
In a while, Chet.
New Orleans Crabs
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of
frozen crabs and asked a female crew member to
take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised
to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he
was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would
happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to
announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave
me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to
The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said:
"These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing," said the other husband,
"Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that
'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.' "
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY..
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!'
The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'
Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'Yur an eight, but if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
Think this would work for us???
Subject: Letter to IRS
I am sorry to inform you that I will not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.
I have paid these taxes though:
accounts receivable tax,
building permit tax,
corporate income tax,
dog license tax,
federal income tax,
hunting license tax,
fishing license tax,
waterfowl stamp tax,
city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years),
real estate tax,
social security tax,
road usage tax,
toll road tax,
state and city sales tax,
recreational vehicle tax,
state franchise tax,
state unemployment tax,
telephone federal excise tax,
telephone federal state and local surcharge tax,
telephone minimum usage surcharge tax,
telephone state and local tax,
vehicle license registration tax,
capitol gains tax,
lease severance tax,
oil and gas assessment tax,
Colorado property tax,
Texas , Colorado , Wyoming , Oklahoma and New Mexico
sales tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have run out of space and money.
When you do not receive my check on April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please treat me the same way you
treated Congressmen Charles Rangel, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and ex-Congressman Tom Daschle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner.
No penalties and no interest.
P.S. I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.
Mildred was the self appointed caretaker of the church membership. She made sure that everyone knew what everyone else was doing, good or bad, but mostly bad.
Elmer,86, who had recently moved to town, started attending the church. The second Sunday, Mildred got up and announced to everyone that Elmers pickup had been parked in front of the local Gin Mill till 3:00 in the morning.
The next night,Elmer quietly parked his old pickup in front of Mildreds house, walked home and came back and got it in the morning.
MORAL: Don't mess with old guys.
Zeke went to the revival meeting. After a Hellfire and Brimstone sermon, the preacher asked if anyone needed prayed for. Zeke went up in his turn and told the preacher he needed his hearing prayed for.Preacher grabbed him by the ears and proceeded to shake him back and forth while beseeching the lord to heal him. After several minutes he released Zeke and said How's your hearing now. Zeke replied, Kaint tell, taint till next Wednesday.
An atheist is walking in the woods, when he is confronted by a couple of grizzly bears. The bears advance upon him, growling menacingly and showing their teeth.
"OH MY GOD!!!!" Screams the atheist.
A voice from the heaven booms down: "All these years you have denied my existence and now you want me to treat you like a Christian?!"
"Well, I don't want to be a hypocrite really, so how about making the bears Christians?" Says the atheist.
"Done!" Booms the voice.
The bears stop, bow their heads and one of them says: "“Dear God, for what we are about to receive, may the Lord make us eternally grateful…”
Paddy is talking to Murphy in the pub.
Paddy: 'Murphy, why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?'
Murphy: 'You thick ****, Paddy. If they fell forwards, they'd still be on the boat!'
Bubba had Shingles
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Bubba said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is?' The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper. The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about.' The attorney tells the God father: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.' The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again!' The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don´t tell him!' The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !' The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say?' The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger.'
CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all
use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on
the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed,'The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished.'
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos, and a box of chocolates.
You have no idea how freaking good I feel right now.
Pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace.
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
I got this today. You just have to love kids.
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say '****!', the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Barbara Walters, of Television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Miss Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN!
calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist,
looked straight into his eyes,and said, "I
like to buy some cyanide."
pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my
license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the pharmacist's wife.
pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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