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  #616 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2009, 03:45 PM
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Two women bodybuilders were at the gym.

"I'm thinking of taking steroids." said one.

"Don't be so bloody stupid!" said her mate, "I once knew a woman who grew a penis because she'd been taking some sort of steroids!"

"Anabolic?" the first woman asked.

"No, just a penis."

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  #617 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2009, 08:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Two women bodybuilders were at the gym.

"I'm thinking of taking steroids." said one.

"Don't be so bloody stupid!" said her mate, "I once knew a woman who grew a penis because she'd been taking some sort of steroids!"

"Anabolic?" the first woman asked.

"No, just a penis."
"Anabolic"
JR you might have to explain how his word makes the joke funny to our American audience.
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  #618 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2009, 10:26 AM
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A husband and wife were out golfing, They were on the 9th hole and the husband lines up his shot..WHACK!!... Hits his wife right in the head.. She immediatly goes down. Paramedics are called, and she gets taken to the hospital.
A few hours later the Doctor comes out and says to the husband "Im very sorry sir that shot to the head killed her almost immediatly." The doctor goes on to say " The most bizzar thing though, while we were doing our autopsy we found a golf ball lodged in her rectum" The husband replies "yeah that was my Mulligan"
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  #619 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2009, 04:35 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
"Anabolic"
JR you might have to explain how his word makes the joke funny to our American audience.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anaboilc_steroid
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  #620 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2009, 01:21 PM
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Doesn't bollocks there translate to balls here? If so, a bolic would be one of the afore mentioned.
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  #621 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2009, 02:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 61bone
Doesn't bollocks there translate to balls here? If so, a bolic would be one of the afore mentioned.
Right, "anabolic" sounds like "and a bollock" or testickalee.
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  #622 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2009, 03:21 PM
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While Ya All Explainin

whats the joke about a MULLIGAN, way over my head, but, then again i dont play golf
Russ
Later gator
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  #623 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2009, 11:33 PM
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Originally Posted by whinny
whats the joke about a MULLIGAN, way over my head, but, then again i dont play golf
Russ
Later gator
I must confess to golfing terms ignorance too.
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  #624 (permalink)  
Old 03-31-2009, 12:54 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
I must confess to golfing terms ignorance too.

Sorry.. Most simply put, a "do-over." Hit a bad shot? Take a mulligan and hit it again. Mulligans are played only when expressly agreed upon by all partners in a friendly match,
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  #625 (permalink)  
Old 03-31-2009, 11:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by screamin340
A husband and wife were out golfing, They were on the 9th hole and the husband lines up his shot..WHACK!!... Hits his wife right in the head.. She immediatly goes down. Paramedics are called, and she gets taken to the hospital.
A few hours later the Doctor comes out and says to the husband "Im very sorry sir that shot to the head killed her almost immediatly." The doctor goes on to say " The most bizzar thing though, while we were doing our autopsy we found a golf ball lodged in her rectum" The husband replies "yeah that was my Mulligan"
Now itīs funnee.
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  #626 (permalink)  
Old 03-31-2009, 04:08 PM
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The Stella Awards....

.... *** Disclaimer*** I have checked at Snopes.com and at Truthorfiction.com and these stories are false, but it's still worth the laugh for all to see...



Stella Award Winners




It's time again for the annual "Stella Awards"! For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico where she purchased the coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one could get burned doing that, right?

That's right; these are awards for the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know, the kinds of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head scratcher handy.

Here are the Stella's for the past year:

7TH PLACE:
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

6TH PLACE:
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles , California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Go ahead, grab your head scratcher.

5TH PLACE:
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut. Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT, days on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue Mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

Keep scratching. There are more...

4TH PLACE:
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

Grrrrr ... Scratch, scratch.

3RD PLACE:
Amber Carson of Lancaster , Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

Scratch, scratch, scratch. Hang in there; there are only two more Stella's to go...

2ND PLACE:
Kara Walton, of Claymont , Delaware sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....oh, yeah,plus dental expenses. Go figure.

1ST PLACE: (May I have a fanfare played on 50 kazoos please)

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her, are you sitting down....
$1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home. Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just incase Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

Are we, as a society, getting more stupid...?



In a while, Chet.

Last edited by schnitz; 03-31-2009 at 04:17 PM.
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  #627 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2009, 02:59 PM
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lol

>
> BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR & PROBABLY THE CENTURY
>
>
> A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured
> them against, among other things, fire.
>
> Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars
> and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the
> policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
>
> In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
> small fires."
>
> The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that
> the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
>
> The lawyer sued...and WON!
>
> (Stay with me.)
>
> Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that
> the claim was frivolous.
> The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the
> company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also
> guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what
> is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.
>
> Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance
> company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss
> of the cigars lost in the "fires".
>
> NOW FOR THE BEST PART..
>
> After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him
> arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
>
> With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being
> used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning
> his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a
> $24,000 fine.
>
> This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent
> Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
>
> ONLY IN AMERICA! NO WONDER THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES THINK THE US IS NUTS!

Russ
Later gator
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  #628 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2009, 06:27 PM
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A True Story

What do you get with 2 grown men, in their early 50's, 2 cans of Green spray paint, and a hammer and a punch?

Both cans of paint had clogged nozzles, leaving both of them perplexed on how to get the rest of the Green paint out of the cans.

So they collaborated, and decided to use the hammer and punch to poke a hole in the spray can. After the first can sprayed the holder in the face with Green paint, and hit the ceiling, do you think they stopped right then? NO!

"How much paint did we get"? Asked the holder. "Not much" says the guy with the hammer. "Lets try the second can" one of them said. "OK, you hold the punch this time", "OK" was the answer.

Now this time the holder had a good grip on the can. The guy with the hammer hit's the punch, and they both try to get the can of paint into the recovery container. This time the Green paint from the can, and the from the recovery container, sprays all over both of them.

The question "How much paint did we get?" was asked again, and the answer was the same, "NOT MUCH BOSS!".

You get two Jolly Green Giants. LOL
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  #629 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2009, 08:10 PM
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The rules for cutting your own firewood....



1. Never park down the hill from the tree you are cutting.

2. When in doubt, park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.

3. Just because you live within walking distance of a forest and own a chainsaw does not mean you are a lumberjack.

4. Always use the neighbors truck.





In a while, Chet.
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  #630 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2009, 06:00 AM
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean? I'm fine."

"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"

"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."
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