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  #631 (permalink)  
Old 04-04-2009, 06:18 PM
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LOL, what about this 1

A woman

arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted anattractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said,"Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a familyname?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. Itrepresents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, Ichose "Carmen." What's your name?" He answered "B.J. Titsengolf."

Russ
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  #632 (permalink)  
Old 04-06-2009, 09:26 AM
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20 Years With Your Wife

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."
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  #633 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2009, 04:42 AM
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Visibility wasn't good the other day, when I got pulled over by a traffic cop for doing 80 mph.

He said, "What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?"

"I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake", I replied.

"Let me start again, slowly", he said, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?”
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  #634 (permalink)  
Old 04-08-2009, 07:55 AM
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What are your children's names?

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is
with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up,
took her little boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go have dinner.'
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  #635 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2009, 01:08 AM
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Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I cant work in the friggin dark! " says Murphy.

---------------------------------------

Paddy calls an airline to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says
"You know what I want don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back & said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. Prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said, in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #636 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2009, 05:28 PM
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan man standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up, Abdul, won't it start?"
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  #637 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2009, 07:45 PM
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True srory

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell,then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

Russ
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  #638 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2009, 06:48 PM
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In South Los Angeles, a 4 plex was destroyed by a fire.

A Nigerian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 Hispanic, Gang Banger, ex-cons, lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Jesse Jackson, John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious. They flew into LA & met with the fire chief on camera. They loudly demanded to know why the Blacks, Black Muslims and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived?

The fire chief said, "They were at work."
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  #639 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2009, 04:28 PM
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An engineer died and reported to the pearly gates. An intern angel, filling in for St. Peter, checked his dossier and grimly said, "Ah, you're an engineer; you're in the wrong place."

So the engineer was cast down to the gates of hell and was let in. Pretty soon, the engineer became gravely dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, the underworld had air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators, and the engineer was becoming a pretty popular guy among the demons.

One day, God called Satan up on the telephone and asked with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan laughed and replied, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God's face clouded over and he exploded, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake; he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan shook his head, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God was as mad as he had ever been, "This is not the way things are supposed to work and you know it. Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughed uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
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  #640 (permalink)  
Old 04-18-2009, 10:50 AM
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I hung up my wrenches and took a job at Wal-Mart!

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids and yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'
So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Now you have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.
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  #641 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 09:07 AM
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Neurological Test


This is a REAL neurological test.

Sit comfortably and be calm.

In other words, put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help for help

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999
99999999999996999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 9999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult..

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your
annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having
a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Oh...One more test!

Find the 44th USA Presidentyou'll have to click on the image)
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  #642 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 01:42 PM
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"This is NOT a joke."

Then why did you post it in Daily funny--- Revisited ?






Just jokin, good test had me .
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  #643 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 02:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
"This is NOT a joke."

Then why did you post it in Daily funny--- Revisited ?

Just jokin, good test had me .
Are you saying that you passed?? Not sure by your response Remember that we are here in the US not the world of A Farewell to Arms

Dave W
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  #644 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 05:51 PM
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Two Large Garbage Bags

>
>
> Two Large Garbage Bags
>
>
> A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
>
> garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a
>
> $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.
>
>
>
> Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
>
> falling out of your bag."
>
>
>
> "Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see
>
> if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
>
>
>
> "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
>
> "You didn't steal it, did you?"
>
>
>
> "Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to
>
> the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee
>
> through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with
>
> my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I
>
> say, '$20 or off it comes'.
>
>
>
> "Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
>
> what's in the other bag?"
>
> "Well, you know", "not everybody pays".
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  #645 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 07:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
>
"Well, you know", "not everybody pays".


Great. Just GREAT. Now I've got to wash my monitor.... Again....


In a while, Chet.
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