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  #646 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2009, 11:27 PM
malc's Avatar
Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
Are you saying that you passed?? Not sure by your response Remember that we are here in the US not the world of A Farewell to Arms

Dave W
I passed, the N in the Ms was the trickiest.

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  #647 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2009, 01:02 AM
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Loving Wife

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.
Inside, he finds couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed
the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck,
then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife:
'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!
He's probably spent a lot of time in jail
and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain...do what ever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is obviously very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he'll kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!'




His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute,
and asked if we had any Vaseline.
I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.'

Russ
Later gator
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  #648 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2009, 12:47 PM
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ATTENTION: ALL BORDER PATROL AGENTS
Be on the lookout for a `50's Chevy...... Red with White top



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  #649 (permalink)  
Old 04-25-2009, 09:43 PM
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires.'




In a while, Chet.
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  #650 (permalink)  
Old 04-27-2009, 12:07 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Taxidermist with a Sense of Humor!

Can you imagine the amount of people that honk
and try to flag him down ?- - -

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  #651 (permalink)  
Old 04-27-2009, 12:56 PM
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A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with an eight-pound bass on the first cast and a seven-pounder on the second. On the third cast he had just caught his first-ever bass over eleven pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up, he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen- with three bass weighing in at over ten pounds!

He was jubilant.

Then...he remembered his wife.. Feeling guilty, he rushed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your fishing trip, didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the lake, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you'll ever take! Because for the rest of her life she will require 'round-the-clock care. And you'll be her caregiver forever!"

The man was so overwhelmed with guilt that he broke down and began sobbing.

The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just messin' with you. She's dead. So what'd you catch?"
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  #652 (permalink)  
Old 04-27-2009, 06:35 PM
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fish and game warden.....

game warden pulled up along side the lady in a boat all by herself,warden said,i see you have 3 fishing poles in the boat,can i please see your license? she said,i have no license and im not fishing,warden said,i will have to write you a ticket for fishing without a license,she said,but im NOT fishing,he said,yes but you have the equipment. she said,im going to have you arrested for RAPE,he said,.lady ,ive never touched you,she said,i know,but you have the equipment.
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  #653 (permalink)  
Old 04-28-2009, 08:50 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got
their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
towards sky, what you see?

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically
speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially
billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the
morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo ****. It means someone stole the tent. '
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  #654 (permalink)  
Old 04-28-2009, 02:37 PM
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Wal-Mart is expanding, yet again....


Wal-Mart announced that, sometime in 2008, it will begin offering customers a new discount item... Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is rumored to be teaming up with Ernest & Julio Gallo Winery of California to produce the spirits at an affordable price -- in the $2 to $5 range.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to put a bottle of the Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but "There is a market for inexpensive wine." said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at University of Arkansas, Bentonville. "However, branding will be very important."

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive name for the Wal-Mart wine brand. The top surveyed names in order of popularity were:

10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe it's not Vinegar
2. Grape Expectations
1. Nasti Spumante

The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either white meat (Possum)
or red meat (Squirrel).

P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a fake deal. I know possum is not a white meat.....


In a while, Chet.
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  #655 (permalink)  
Old 04-28-2009, 11:45 PM
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Quote:
P.S. Don't bother writing back that this is a fake deal. I know possum is not a white meat.....
Do tell. Does it taste like chicken? I hear it tastes like pork...Pass the brown Poupon, please.
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  #656 (permalink)  
Old 04-29-2009, 04:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
Do tell. Does it taste like chicken? I hear it tastes like pork...Pass the brown Poupon, please.

What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?

"Hmm, it does taste like chicken."
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  #657 (permalink)  
Old 04-30-2009, 07:03 AM
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Artful Dodger
 

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10 Reasons Why Men Are Lazy:



1)
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  #658 (permalink)  
Old 04-30-2009, 10:21 AM
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The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing:
Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said .
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.


BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY
A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'
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  #659 (permalink)  
Old 04-30-2009, 07:19 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Flying Pigs

I remember hearing from someone not long ago, that the day we get a black president is the day pigs fly....wouldnt ya know it? 100 days in office and now the swine flu!!!!!


C'mon, if you cant laugh at that....
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  #660 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2009, 03:35 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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If you don't laugh at this one you need to lighten up!

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
'Heavens no, we bought it..'
'Then why don't you drive it away.'
'We can't drive.'
'Then why did you buy it?'
'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed ....so we're just waiting.'
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