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  #661 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2009, 03:39 PM
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Two in a row. Yet, oddly (thankfully....), I only have to wash the monitor once. Perfect timing!


In a while, Chet.

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  #662 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2009, 09:26 PM
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I just heard that the swine flu has claimed it's first life of a naturalized U.S. citizen. Kermit the Frog passed away today. Apparently, his last dying words were, "That freaking pig told me she was clean...."



In a while, Chet.
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  #663 (permalink)  
Old 05-01-2009, 10:09 PM
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I love this thread, and I have read it complete from the begining.

Chet, what I advise for you, is the same as I do, swallow first, and set your drink down before reading, but then again your screen may need cleaning anyways. LOL
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  #664 (permalink)  
Old 05-02-2009, 01:29 PM
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Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall.
The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'

The CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back.'

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here? '

From across the room came a voice, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
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Old 05-03-2009, 06:08 AM
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Now that I've cleaned the coffee off my screen how do I get it out of my key board? LOL What a great way to start the day,right here with a good laugh,Yall might have saved my painters life,THANKS
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  #666 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2009, 12:53 AM
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You think your life sucks? Check these out:
* Today, I wanted to have a good lunch with my wife before fasting for my surgery, which I may not survive. She decided getting her hair cut was more important. I ate alone.
* Today, I checked my Facebook, and my wife of five years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is okay to announce to be married. She writes back that we have to talk.

Russ
Later gator

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Old 05-04-2009, 03:10 AM
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Ha.ha,ha It's so much funnier when someone doesn't get it (pg 42),LOL I never knew how big this site was.This is the best thread on hotrodders

Last edited by deadbodyman; 05-04-2009 at 03:18 AM.
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  #668 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2009, 09:38 AM
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A lady gets on the bus and has a seat in front of two Italians in an animated conversation:

“Emma come-a first. Den I-ya come. Den two a s s e s come together and I come again, two a s s e s come together again, and I-ya come again and-a pee twice, den I-ya come-a one-a last-a time.”

The lady turns around and says, “My word! You should be ashamed of yourself! In our country we don’t talk about our sex life in public!”

The Italian replies, “Who’s-a talking about their sex-a life? I’m just telling my friend-a here how to spell-a Mississippi.”
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  #669 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2009, 05:35 PM
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lol

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer:
Some interesting responses:

7 year old Tim:
" I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets "

7 year old Mellanie:
" Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice "

7 year old Grady:
"My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny "

7 year old Toby:
" My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing "

7 year old Sarah:
"My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much "

7 year old Lilly:
" My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool "

7 year old Ethan:
" I don't like beer very much Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbaque and they taste disgusting "

7 year old Shirley:
" I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep"

7 year old Jack:
" My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense"
Russ
Later gator
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  #670 (permalink)  
Old 05-04-2009, 11:19 PM
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Dallas, Texas

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a horse's ***."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches him in the face, knocking
the first guy off his bar stool, then stomps out.


He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV. He looks at the TV and
says, "She is a horse's *** too!"


Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other side of the
face, knocking him off his bar stool again.


He gets back up and looks at the bartender, "I take it this is Obama
country?"

"Nope." replies the bartender. "This is Horse country."
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  #671 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2009, 09:26 AM
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The Buttocks

A married couple was in a terrible accident in which the husband's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft anys kin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful looking face. One day, he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I ever possibly repay you?" "My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek....."

If this doesn't make you smile ~ nothing will



In a while, Chet.
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  #672 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2009, 02:41 PM
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Don't Mess with the Old Guy

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.
I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye..'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand , with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
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  #673 (permalink)  
Old 05-05-2009, 05:24 PM
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A cowboy rides up to a saloon. He dismounts from his horse, ties it to the pole, then proceeds to the back of the horse, lifts up its tail and gives it a long kiss right on the butt.

An old man on a chair in front of the saloon witnesses this and asks the cowboy, "What the hell d'you do that for?"

"I've got chapped lips" says the cowboy.

"Does that cure 'em?" asks the old man.

Cowboy replies, "No. But it sure keeps me from licking 'em."
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  #674 (permalink)  
Old 05-06-2009, 07:33 PM
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Thought For A Day

I'm just passing this thought along .....


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?

If not, Are you wondering now?

Have a nice day .
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  #675 (permalink)  
Old 05-06-2009, 10:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
I'm just passing this thought along .....


Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a strippers's butt crack?

If not, Are you wondering now?

Have a nice day .
That's Funny!

It brings to mind when me and some buddies went to an out of town car show. Well along the way we stopped at one of those erotic cafes that you see along the interstate. While we were in there one of the dancers pulled the cap off the head of one of the guys that was with us. She danced with it on stage and placed it over and drug it through various different places on her body. It was very erotic and of course you can imagine what she did with it and where she put it. Well after several dances she gave the cap back to him and we left. When we got in the parking lot and out in the bright sun light, that is when I noticed that his white cap now had brown streaks on each side of it. It was so funny it brought tears to my eyes and the rest of the guys that were with us. He took the cap off, threw it in the bushes and was in a bad mood the rest of the day.
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