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  #691 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2009, 10:36 PM
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New Rapid Fire Nail Gun, made by DeWALT

Speaking of guns.......

New Rapid Fire Nail Gun, made by DeWALT.


It can drive a 16-D nail through a 2 X 4 at 200 yards! This makes construction a breeze, you can sit in your lawn chair and build a fence.

Just get your wife to hold the fence boards in place while you sit back, relax with a cold beer and when she has the board in the right place, just fire away.

Just imagine how much fun it would be to put up siding!

With the one thousand round magazine and the variable rapid firing speed of up to 600 nails per second, you can build or repair anything that needs a nail with a minimum of reloading and at break neck speed.

After a day of fence building with the new DeWalt Rapid Fire Nail Gun, the wife will never ask you to build or fix anything else again.
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  #692 (permalink)  
Old 05-15-2009, 11:29 PM
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LOL,I want one, does it come with lazer leveler too ?he,he I just love leveling stuff
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  #693 (permalink)  
Old 05-17-2009, 08:20 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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My Lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for my birthday. It was very nice of them, but I think they might have misunderstood me, when I said "I wanna watch"
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  #694 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 08:53 AM
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A trip to South Georgia

About twenty years ago I delivered a bulldozer to a farmer up in south Georgia. My boss had only received a deposit so I was to pick up the remainder and it was quite a large sum of money. I was a little nervous and wanted everything to go off with out a hitch. I got to the farm and met with the farmer and he wanted me to unload it and make sure that everything was okay before he paid the remainder. As I was unloading it I kept seeing these white blurs out of the corners of my eyes running around the front yard of his place and I figured they were some kind of animal or dog or something. I was nervous and ignored them and focused on the task at hand. The farmer got on the bulldozer drove it around and even pushed a little dirt with it, all the while these strange animals were running around really fast and about seventy five feet or so away from us. The farmer wasn't fazed by them so I didn't worry too much about them. I was more worried as to whether or not he would be happy with the dozer since he had agreed to buy it sight unseen. He worked it for about fifteen minutes and then he drove it back up toward the truck and said, "It's perfect! Just what I need".
He shut it down and went inside to get the check. As I stood out there watching these strange creatures running around in a frenzy, I started to wonder just what the heck they were. They were about the size of a house cat but they were so fast I couldn't make them out. One of them ran past me real close and so fast it looked like a big white bullet. It came from out of no where, ran past me, under the trailer and off into the bushes and it just about scarred the crap out of me. The farmer came back out and signed the paper work and I gave him his bill of sale. Relieved that he was happy, I then had to ask him, "What are all of these fast white things that are running around here"?
He laughed and asked, "Your boss Larry, didn't tell you that I have been working on a hybrid chicken"?
I said, "No sir".
Then he explained: He said that he started out with double yoke eggs and kept working with them until he had developed a chicken with two sets of legs.
I said, "Four legs! Wow that's great! Do they taste like regular chickens"?
He said, "I don't know, I haven't been able to catch one"!

Last edited by Chris Kemp; 05-21-2009 at 10:38 AM.
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  #695 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 09:37 AM
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LOL,If he could only come up with two sets of wings he make a fortune in buffalo
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  #696 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 11:47 AM
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Another visit to the same farmer!

A few years later I delivered a backhoe to the same farmer. When I arrived it was the same scenario, he had put a deposit on it sight unseen and wanted to test it before he bought it. Well while he was trying it out I noticed that there were no four legged chickens running around like the time before. He was satisfied and after we took care of the paper work, I asked him what had happened to all of his four legged chickens. He said, "Damnedest thing, Tyson came down and bought every last one of them. You should of seen it. Took'em three days with nets to round them all up. They even paid me for the rights to my hybrid technique".
He then led me down a wooded path to a clearing with several hen houses. We walked into the first one and it appeared to be a conventional hanging basket type of hen house and it looked like it had white chickens in it. As we got closer to the first basket he said, "Check this out. Boneless chickens"!
I leaned over and looked in the first basket and sure enough it was a boneless chicken! Strangest thing I have ever seen! It was really kind of grotesque. It looked like a blob of jello with feathers stuck to it. He opened up the basket, took it out and handed it to me. It felt warm and had the consistency of a water balloon but with feathers stuck to it. Totally amazed I handed it back to him and he placed it on top of the basket and said, "Watch this".
He then rolled it around from side to side and it made funny sounding squawking noises. You could tell that it didn't like it. He picked it up and petted it a little, held it up to his mouth and touched one end of it with his tongue, turned it over and placed it back in the basket. As we walked down the rows of hanging baskets, he continued to open each one, pick up the chicken, hold it up and touch it with his tongue and either turn it over and place it back or just place it back like it was. As he did this I followed and he continued to tell me about them. He said, "By injecting the eggs with a bone neutralizing enzyme I was able to eliminate the bones. No bones mean all you gotta do is pluck'em and gut'em and there ready to cook".
I then asked, "Are they any more troublesome to take care of then regular chickens"?
He said, "No. In fact they're less trouble and you don't have to worry about them running away. All you have to do is come out here and check them every so often to make sure they are not upside down. If they get turned over they can suffocate".
I then said, "Oh, that explains what you are doing. But tell me, why do you keep tasting them"?
He said, "That's the only way I can tell which end is up".

Last edited by Chris Kemp; 05-21-2009 at 10:37 PM.
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  #697 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 10:58 PM
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Exercise For People Over 50

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
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  #698 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 11:07 PM
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Male Vs. Female At The Atm Machine

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw the card.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2.. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow
easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page..
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16.. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17.. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
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  #699 (permalink)  
Old 05-21-2009, 11:30 PM
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Fifty Dollars is Fifty Dollars

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'
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  #700 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2009, 05:09 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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I think I busted a rib - - you owe me Carsavy
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  #701 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2009, 05:59 PM
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HAHAHAHA LMAO That some good stuff. Cole
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  #702 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2009, 06:04 PM
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I went horse back riding on my vacation. The horse was really wild,bucking and trying to throw me off. As a matter of fact i was screaming like a little girl! Good thing my wife was with me cause she walked over and unplugged the horse,man that is embarrassing when your at wal-mart. . Cole
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  #703 (permalink)  
Old 05-22-2009, 06:23 PM
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LMAO, sorry I have more saved, but my browser was locking up, and should I say, w.r., you might have gotten light headed, or gone into cardiac arrest, if I had posted them all.

Put another quarter in that horse...............LOL
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  #704 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2009, 12:47 AM
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guy comes out of doctors looking real sad, his wife says whats the matter dear, he replies, ive got the big C
What cancer she replied,
and he said no, dyslexia
muahahaha

Russ
Later gator
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  #705 (permalink)  
Old 05-23-2009, 01:01 AM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whinny
guy comes out of doctors looking real sad, his wife says whats the matter dear, he replies, ive got the big C
What cancer she replied,
and he said no, dyslexia
muahahaha

Russ
Later gator

Was that supposed to be the big CRS? LOL
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