I purchased a Teddy Bear this morning for the princely sum of $10.00
I named him Mohammed.
This afternoon I sold him on E-Bay for $30.00
My question is, "Have I made a prophet?"
Patrick, who was vacationing in the Bahamas couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya man... you'll have all the babes ya want!"
The next day, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick!
So he went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?"
"Damn, Mate!" said the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!!"
There were two gay guys living together. One of them lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for him.
So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest hair and if there was anything he could do about it.
Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy and really the only thing he could do to try and stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all over his chest daily.
The guy was elated. He went home and immediately smothered his chest in Vaseline.
When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"
"The doctor said if I put Vaseline on my chest I might be able to grow some hair!"
"You idiot!" Said his partner, "Think about it. If that were true you'd have a pony tail coming out of your *** by now!!"
Computer Women - Which Type Are You?/Which Type Of Woman do you like ?
1) HARD-DISK Woman: She remembers everything you say and do, FOREVER. !!!
2) WINDOWS Woman: Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.
3) EXCEL Woman: They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.
4) SCREENSAVER Woman: She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful and looks good!
5) INTERNET Woman: Difficult to access and hard to keep running .!!!
6) SERVER Woman: Claims to be available to you, but is always busy when you need her.
7) MULTIMEDIA Woman: She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.
8) CD-ROM Woman: She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!
9) E-MAIL Woman: Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.
10) VIRUS Woman: Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost everything. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing!
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
A family is at the dinner table.
The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions."
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, How many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dear - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Here is the only joke I can remember that's clean enough for this room
Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom?
To knock the penises off the stupid ones...
my signature lines...not really directed at anyone in particular..
BE different....ACT normal.
No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
A little boy writes a letter to SANTA
"Dear Santa, please send me a little brother"
SANTA writes the little boy back.
"Dear Lad, pease send me your Mother"
I can still remember my school days ~ all four of them!
My credit is so bad, they won't even take my cash!
I see Wal-Mart are selling sanitary towels with tinsel on....for the Christmas period.....
I never drink unless I'm alone or with somebody.
Did you hear about the electrician who got some shorts for his birthday?
What an accident! I had the right of way but the other guy had the truck!
As a child, I was very young.
The walls in my flat are so thin, when I asked the wife a question, I got 5 answers!
I joined the Navy to see the world & spent 4 years in a submarine!
Have you heard about that new soap called 'Third Degree'? It makes you come clean.
The resort was so dull, the tide went out & didn't come back!
It's an economical car - it only burns oil when the engines running.
It's a car for 4 people - one steers & 3 push...
Our furniture goes back to Louis XIV - unless we pay Louis before the 14th....
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I still prefer getting presents rather than giving them.
My landlord gave me three days to pay the rent, so I picked Hallowe'en, Christmas & Easter.
In midevil times, most peeple were alliterate.
I can keep a secret ~ it's the people I tell who can't.
Let a smile be your umbrella. I did & got a mouthful of rain.
Who says nothing is impossible? I've been doing it for years.
I did visit my grandmother once, but I was going up into the attic anyway....
I'm glad I wasn't born in France - I can't speak a word of French!
My wife can only boil eggs for 5 seconds - she says if she holds them any longer in the boiling water, the pain is just unbearable.
She has calves only a cow could love.
The wife kept pestering me to buy her a foreign convertible, so I bought her a Rickshaw.
I tried to get a new car for the wife but nobody would swap.
I've told the wife many times - I like your mother-in-law better than mine.
I was arguing with her about spending three nights a week out with the guys. I reckoned she shouldn't.
I bought the wife a complete Mink outfit. Two steel traps & a rifle.
I met her in a revolving door & we've been going around together ever since.
My wife always laughs during sex, no matter what book she's reading.
1st man: "My doctor says I can't play golf".
2nd man: "He's played with you too, has he?"
Husband: "You're too lazy. I think you should learn to use the vacuum cleaner so we can do away with the maid!"
Wife: "Well, if you learned how to make love properly, we could get rid of the gardener, too!"
Why have elephants got four feet?
'Cos they'd look silly with six inches.
Why do blondes use electric lawnmowers?
So they can find their way back to the house.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those that can & those that can't.
I am some kind of can't.
At an auction in Manchester, UK, a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and he would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall, a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"
1st Dyslexic: "Can you smell gas?"
2nd Dyslexic: "I can't even smell my own name!"
What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A little boy gets seperated from his mother whilst out shopping at Wal-Mart. A security guard crouches down to the boy's level & asks: "What's your mum like?"
Without hesitation, the boy simply says: "Big willies & Vodka!"
Two Jewish fellas meet in a bar & the first one says: "Hey, Abe! Sorry to hear about the fire". Abe says "Ssshh, Heimy, that's next Thursday!"
How do you know God is a man?
Because if he were a woman, sperm would taste like chocolate.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
Whats the difference between hard and light?
It's easier to sleep with a light on.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Man: "Sorry Boss, but I've had to call in today because I'm sick".
Boss: "How sick are you?"
Man: "Well, put it this way - I'm in bed with my sister!"
What's the best way to keep flies out of the kitchen?
Put a turd in the lounge.
1st girl: "My boyfriend had really bad dandruff, so I gave him Head & Shoulders & it cleared it up!"
The 2nd girl thinks for a moment, then says: "So, how do you give shoulders then?"
An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............
"F!!k off" she said, "they're for the funeral."
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a Priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the Bible, the Priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority........ a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge.
In other words, he goes to a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a hot blond. He gives her a quick look then casually looks at his watch.. The woman notices this and asks, "waiting on someone?"
"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it out."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?
What's so great about that?"
He says, "It able to talk to me telepathically."
The women says, "Really? What's it saying now?"
"It says you're not wearing panties."
She laughs and says, "Well it must be broken, because I am wearing panties!"
The guy shakes his watch and says, "Stupid thing must be an hour fast."
I have a confession to make....
When in bed, my wife has always called me "the Hurricane". Today, I found out why. She told me that while I start out with much excitement, I always finish out in disaster.....
In a while, Chet.
You could call her "the hurricane" too...
She's wet & warm when she comes & when she leaves, she takes half the house with her...
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