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  #751 (permalink)  
Old 06-16-2009, 09:11 PM
70 ElCam's Avatar
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Chinese Sick Day for HUNG CHOW

CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'


The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........You got
nice house'

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  #752 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2009, 11:37 AM
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This is a good one!

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.' The man says, 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball..' Man: 'That's nice' Boy: 'Want to buy it?' Man: 'No, thanks.' Boy: 'My Dad's outside.' Man: 'OK, how much?' Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.' Man: 'Yes, it is.' Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.' The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, How much?' Boy: '$750' Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.' The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.' The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?' Boy: '$1,000' The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm taking you to church, to confession.' They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.

The boy says, 'Dark in here.' The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now....
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  #753 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2009, 07:55 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 70 ElCam
CHINESE SICK LEAVE : 'I NO COME WORK TODAY!!'

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at work soon........You got
nice house'
You're killing me! That's some funny stuff....
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  #754 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2009, 08:35 PM
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A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,

'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
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  #755 (permalink)  
Old 06-28-2009, 11:45 AM
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This is funny
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  #756 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2009, 09:15 AM
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Insurance Joke

A man and his wife, moved from Livingston , Texas to Mendenhall, MS .

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Texas , it
cost them $2000. Per year!


When they arrived in Mendenhall, they went to an insurance agency to
see how much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: '$39.'


The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in
Mendenhall to insure it because it cost him $2000 in Texas.



The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and
said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden
structure, with a sprinkler system above it, is $39... You just have
to know how to describe it!'
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  #757 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2009, 09:24 AM
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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  #758 (permalink)  
Old 06-29-2009, 10:27 PM
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The Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

The stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending,
a special Presidential commission presented the following findings:

The stamp is in perfect order.

There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

People are spitting on the wrong side.
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  #759 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2009, 04:31 AM
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Know It All

i was told this one by my father inlaw


i have up for sale a nice set of encyclopedias i will no
longer need them i got married and the bi!@h knows it all

HAHAHAHA
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  #760 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2009, 11:50 AM
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What yo name?

How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NO

Lay - a?? NOPE

Lei?? Guess Again.



This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced 'Ledasha'. Oh yes, you read it right.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."


SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.


If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
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  #761 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2009, 02:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
How would you pronounce this child's name?

Le-a

Leah?? NO

Lee - A?? NO

Lay - a?? NOPE

Lei?? Guess Again.



This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
It's pronounced 'Ledasha'. Oh yes, you read it right.
When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."


SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash.


If they axe you why, tell them the dash don't be silent.
Man those guys crack me up,they make up names from who knows where(a three day crack binge),then make up thier own language, then get mad when I say please talk slower I cant understand a word you said is there someone there that can translate to english?I'm sorry you have the wrong number,then ..yes, this is still the wrong number.I got caller id but I just cant resist pucking with them they'll dial the wrong number five times in a row,at least once a week
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  #762 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2009, 03:42 PM
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OK heres a couple more. Are you Ready?

A Russian and a Redneck wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic
gold medal.

Before the final match, the Redneck wrestler's trainer came to him and
said 'Now,don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's
never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're
finished.'

The redneck nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Redneck and the Russian circled each other
several times,looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Redneck and
wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.

He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly,there was a long and high pitched scream, then a roar from the
crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian
go flying up in the air.

His back hit the mat with a thud and the Redneck collapsed on top of
him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone,he
asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold ? No one has ever done it
before !'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in
that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of
testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my
last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies
just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off ?'

Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own
nuts'!
________________________


One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the
middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he Turned
to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in
deeper.
He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they

Became worried and decided to go to the hospital.
As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home With her
date. After being informed of the problem, their

Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to Shove two
fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young Man
insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when He
grows older?'
The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.'
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  #763 (permalink)  
Old 07-02-2009, 04:16 PM
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hhahaahaha,you warned me and I didnt listen, now my screen is all sticky with soda(the pepsi syndrone)I've been waiting for one like that, caught me off gaurd,damn you I better turn this thing off now ,good one
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  #764 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2009, 07:33 PM
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Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.

Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
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  #765 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2009, 09:25 PM
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Lets clean this thread up a bit. Maybe?

Grandma still drives!


Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a Thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
Thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
Light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
Honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
And then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!' 'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
Loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
Yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
Stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
And gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
They got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
When I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
Through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection. Before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave Them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
For such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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