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  #766 (permalink)  
Old 07-05-2009, 11:52 PM
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job
opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were
equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer
asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no
warning.

'T hat's very good!' replied Jennifer. 'And, now you sir?', she asked the second
man.

'Hmmm....let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever
happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche
for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's
a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light
on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the
fastest thing I can think of'.

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her
man. 'It 's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me
that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I
ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I
had already ***** my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! after my little chlli incident(previously mentioned) we became good friends

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on!

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  #767 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2009, 02:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
Man those guys crack me up,they make up names from who knows where(a three day crack binge),then make up thier own language, then get mad when I say please talk slower I cant understand a word you said is there someone there that can translate to english?I'm sorry you have the wrong number,then ..yes, this is still the wrong number.I got caller id but I just cant resist pucking with them they'll dial the wrong number five times in a row,at least once a week
know what u mean man, saw doco on eminem and 50 cent, man a whole new language dem fullas
russ
later gator
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  #768 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2009, 06:42 AM
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watched a comedian last night,cant remember his name ,but he was in soul plane (a movie) he did a routine on this very subject ....SOOOOO funny....seems black people cant even understand the lingo....and they just shake their heads at the name thing....those poor kids,I was made fun of with my last name....cant imagine what their going through......its no wonder they grow up so angry,
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  #769 (permalink)  
Old 07-06-2009, 05:47 PM
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Give till it hurts

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south. Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'

'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'

The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'

'About a gallon'
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  #770 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2009, 08:31 AM
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Einstein was born March 14, 1879.



He would be 130 if he were alive today.



Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919.



At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.



He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.



This came to be known as....



Einstein's Theory of 'Relative Titty'
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  #771 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2009, 04:07 PM
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Charlie walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:

"Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's
a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: "I think you'll find that I wasn't talking to you."
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  #772 (permalink)  
Old 07-07-2009, 04:19 PM
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This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner, he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, then a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl, went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his
underpants.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I
got most of them back in.
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  #773 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2009, 08:41 AM
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Lost bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest . I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
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  #774 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2009, 08:56 AM
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Aids Warning

To all of you approaching 50 or

have REACHED 50 and past,

this* is especially for

you..







**SENIOR CITIZENS**

ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF

AIDS!*



HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,*

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!*



*Not forgetting HIV*

*(Hair is Vanishing)*
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  #775 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2009, 10:59 AM
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why does it take so much longer for the inside to catch up to the outside?Is everyone like this or just me? I think my maturity leveled off at eighteen,and is it possible to die laughing?if so I'm 49 ,I better unsubscribe to this thread it may be killing me
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  #776 (permalink)  
Old 07-09-2009, 11:14 AM
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Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

What is the speed of darkness?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?

If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?

Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder...... Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum!"

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs !

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
the same tune?
Stop singing and read on.......
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the
window?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
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  #777 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2009, 07:03 AM
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Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.




Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates designed the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's arses came up with this?', you may be exactly right.Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses' arses.) Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's arse. And you thought being a horse's arse wasn't important? Ancient horse's arses control almost everything... and

CURRENTLY, horses arses are controlling everything else.
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  #778 (permalink)  
Old 07-10-2009, 05:16 PM
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what a great post, gee you learn sumfin evryday.Thanks for that I.C

russ
the colonist!!
lol
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  #779 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2009, 08:07 AM
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The economy is so bad that ....

1. I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

2. CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

3. Hot wheels and Matchbox cars are now trading higher than GM cars.

4. McDonalds is selling the 1/4 -ouncer.

5. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's
names.

6. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

7. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.


8. Motel Six won't leave the light on.

9. The Mafia is laying off judges.

10. When bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds" you have to call
and ask if they meant you or them.
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  #780 (permalink)  
Old 07-11-2009, 11:30 AM
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A man entered a bus with both his front pockets full of golf balls; he sat
down next to a beautiful (you guessed right) blonde.

The puzzled blonde keeps looking at his bulging pockets.

Finally, after such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully, and finally not
being able to contain her curiosity any longer asked....
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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