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  #781 (permalink)  
Old 07-12-2009, 08:05 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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Jenny Craig for men

Guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there
stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old
babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and
a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight
loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A
few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same
thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and
is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has
ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok
running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If
you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This
girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no
such Luck.



So for the next four days, the same routine happens
with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs
himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as
Promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company
to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the
phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he
opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing
nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

'If I catch you, your arse is mine.'

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  #782 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2009, 06:48 AM
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Old rodders never die, but their rods aren't as hot as they used to be.
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  #783 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2009, 07:01 AM
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yeah,but welders have the hottest rods,and firemen always get the bestest hoe's
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  #784 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2009, 09:27 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van.

He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles with his jaw and not let go.

The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
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  #785 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2009, 04:51 PM
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Parking Tickets

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands.
I went into the local Coffee shop for a snack.
I was only there for about 5 minutes,
and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
His sensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo...'
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus,
and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper
stickers that said,
*'Obama in '08.'*
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
The doctor tells me that it's important to my health..
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  #786 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2009, 07:32 AM
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FIRST TIME SEX ............

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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  #787 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2009, 11:08 AM
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Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over while those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and who stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don 't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
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  #788 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2009, 01:37 AM
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The Penguin

A penguin had been driving his car all day on a long trip,
when it started to develop a problem.

So he stops at a small isolated town and locates the local mechanic.

He explains to the mechanic, "I don't know anything about cars, but there seems to be something wrong."

The mechanic says ok. " Give me around thirty minutes and by then I should know what the trouble is."

Ok, I'll just be across the road at the store having some coffee."

So the penguin sits in the store for half an hour drinking his coffee and then on the way out buys himself an ice-cream.

He crosses back over the road and asks the mechanic if he has found the problem.

"It looks as if you've blown a seal." says the mechanic.

With a big smile on his face the penguin says, "Ha Ha Ha, No I haven't really. It's just ice-cream."
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  #789 (permalink)  
Old 07-15-2009, 06:47 AM
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Q: How do you catch a polar bear? A: dig a hole in the ice,then put a bunch of peas around the hole...when the bear comes to take a pea,you kick him in the icehole.(my grandsons favorite) Q;what did the fish say when he hit a cement wall...A: Dam!!!
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  #790 (permalink)  
Old 07-16-2009, 12:14 PM
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Needs no explanation!!

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  #791 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2009, 07:56 PM
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Electronically Challenged Seniors

Sometimes I feel this way.


Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete and I must head down to the Cell Phone store and get a phone that is contemporary with the time.

I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim line phone with camera built in that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that out.. Even the few times I actually did take pictures I couldn’t figure what to do with them and gave up.

That is except when I would push the wrong button and take a video of the ceiling or my feet.

Seems the issue is that I am unable to text with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," would come out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about Poppa’s crazy text messages. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn’t that what they were invented for?

They want me to get one of those phones that you can turn upside down and sideways and has a typewriter keyboard with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son."
Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us. Bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.

His "Blackberry" rang. It was blue and I asked him why it wasn’t called a Blueberry. He shook his head with that “dealing with an elder” despair look I get a lot these days. It was another realtor who called to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son’s client’s changes and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office and he would get them signed and Faxed back, to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang and he hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, now on theYakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again with the signed FAX from his clients.

He called the other realtor and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. He smiled and just said, "You are a little behind the times, Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, pictures and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouse, 13 grandkids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting world.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation.. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it’s red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Nobles talking to my wife as everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I have to take my hearing aid out to use it and got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating" You would think that she could be nicer.. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then when I would make a right turn instead, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GSP lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven’t figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and have run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone ring.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop.

I bought some of those cloth re-usable bags to avoid looking confused but never remember to take them in with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn’t matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it‘s their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
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  #792 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2009, 08:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
Sometimes I feel this way.


Things are spiraling out of control. I think I have become lost in a world of electronic madness.
I fully agree, with all but the GPS which my wife got me for Christmas. I paid her back in spades though - and bought her an iPOD NANO for her birthday (along with a new Daiwa spinning reel). Dam' if she hasn't figured that iPod doodad out and now she even listens to music and plays games on it----in bed

Dave W
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  #793 (permalink)  
Old 07-17-2009, 09:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
I fully agree, with all but the GPS which my wife got me for Christmas. I paid her back in spades though - and bought her an iPOD NANO for her birthday (along with a new Daiwa spinning reel). Dam' if she hasn't figured that iPod doodad out and now she even listens to music and plays games on it----in bed

Dave W
I have found a GPS is the best fish finder ever. When you get bit, and break off, there is some kind of 'structure' holding them. Log the position, and try it again.

Sounds like your only prayer, is for her to drop that iPod in the water when her line get's bit.
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Old 07-18-2009, 10:27 AM
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Difference Between Men and Women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are a lot more willing to die.



6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Three tortoises
Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is two miles away.
So, it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick
unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"

"I didn't bring it" says Roy "I thought you packed it" Mick gets
worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it.

So they're stuck two miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally
agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he
still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a
promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up from behind a rock
and shouts:

"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT GOING!"


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Blonds
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
------------------------------------------------------------------

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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  #795 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2009, 10:30 AM
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Texas Heat

Texas Heat

What I learned when visiting customers in El Paso a few years ago:

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The best parking spot is determined by shade, not distance.

Hot water comes out of BOTH taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!

If the temperature drops below 95 its a cold snap.

You discover it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover you can get sunburned through your car window going to work.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and
end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize asphalt has a liquid state.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Ah, what a place to call home.

Thankfully I live in Upstate NY where summer hasn't arrived yet this year.

Dave W
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