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  #796 (permalink)  
Old 07-18-2009, 12:11 PM
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A turtle is drinking at the bar. After he's had a few he starts getting nasty with the women and belligerent with the men. The bartender has enough. He grabs the turtle and tells him, "You're outta here!" He brings him to the door and gives him a good kick, then shuts the door.

One week later the turtle shows up again at the same bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "What did you do THAT for?!!"

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  #797 (permalink)  
Old 07-20-2009, 12:24 PM
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A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead
sitting at the next table.. He has been checking her out since he sat
down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket
toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air,
and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in
place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the
theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her
deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to
her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful,
wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The
guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to
every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .


Wait for it. .



It's coming. .




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?










She says:
'You just happened to catch my eye.'
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  #798 (permalink)  
Old 07-21-2009, 07:32 AM
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A self-important collage freshman walking along the beach took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen resting on the steps why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation."You grew up in a differnt world,an almost primitive one" The student said loud enough for others to hear...The young people of today grew up with television,jet planes,space travel,man walking on the moon..We have nuclear energy,ships,and cellphones,computers with light speed....and many more...After a brief silence,the senior responded as follows: "Your right son",we didnt have those things when we were young....so we invented them. NOW,you arrogent little sheet,what are YOU doing for the next generation? The applause was amazing
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  #799 (permalink)  
Old 07-22-2009, 12:47 PM
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Have You Ever Been Guilty Of Looking At Others Your Own Age And Thinking, Surely I Can't Look That Old. Well.....you'll Love This One!

My Name Is Alice Smith And I Was Sitting In The Waiting Room For My First Appointment With A New Dentist. I Noticed His Dds Diploma, Which Bore His Full Name.

Suddenly, I Remembered A Tall, Handsome, Dark Haired Boy With The Same Name Had Been In My High School Class Some 40-odd Years Ago.

Could He Be The Same Guy That I Had A Secret Crush On, Way Back Then?

Upon Seeing Him, However, I Quickly Discarded Any Such Thought.

This Balding, Gray Haired Man With The Deeply Lined Face Was Way Too Old To Have Been My Classmate, After He Examined My Teeth, I Asked Him If He Had Attended Morgan Park High School .

"yes, Yes I Did. I'm A Mustang! ' He Gleamed With Pride.

'when Did You Graduate?' I Asked

He Answered, In 1965. Why Do You Ask?

"you Were In My Class!" I Exclaimed.

He Looked At Me Closely.

Then That Ugly,

Old,

Bald,

Wrinkled,

Fat Arse,

Gray Haired,

Decrepit,

Son Of A B###h Asked....




'what Did You Teach??
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  #800 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2009, 02:01 PM
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Stay!!

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Plaza Shopping Centre and rolled
down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.




She was stretched full-out on the back seat
and I wanted to impress upon her that she must
remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
'Now you stay. Do you hear me?'

'Stay! Stay!'

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty BLONDE young lady,
gave me a strange look and said,



'Why don't you just put it in park'?
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  #801 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2009, 03:04 PM
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A father walked into a restaurant with his young son. He gave the young boy
three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy started
choking, going blue in the face.

The father realized the boy had swallowed the nickels and started slapping him
on the back. The boy coughed up two of the nickels, but kept choking. Looking
at his son, the father was panicking and shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman in a blue business suit
was sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At
the sound of the commotion, she looked up, put her coffee cup down, neatly
folded the newspaper and placed it on the counter, got up from her seat and made
her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully dropped his pants, took hold of the
boy's testicles and started to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever
so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulsed violently and coughed up the
last nickel, which the woman deftly caught in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman handed the nickel to the father and
walked back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he was sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushed over to the woman and started thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a Doctor?"

Are you ready?







"No", the woman replied, "Divorce attorney".
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  #802 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2009, 03:14 PM
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You haven't had enough yet!

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**


**'Hello?'**



**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**


**Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**










**After a brief pause,**





**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**






**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**






Brief Pause.





**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**





**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**




**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**




**'I did it, Daddy.'**



**'And what happened, honey?' **


'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**






**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**






**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**






**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**






**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**






**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**






*****Long Pause*****







*****Longer Pause*****







*****Even Longer Pause*****






**Then Daddy says,**






**'Swimming pool? ...........**






**Is this 486-5731?'*








**No, I think you have the wrong number..........
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  #803 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2009, 03:26 PM
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I have to say the story about a kid putting change in his mouth and getting one stuck in his throat brought back less then fond memories. I have kept the quarter my son used to do that very trick when he was about 6. Now that he's older (a LOT older and with three kids of his own) I drag out that quarter occasionally and remind him that it cost me the equivalent of a weeks' pay to get it removed and not to let his kids do the same.

I think I hired that attorney after firing two dummies

Dave W
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  #804 (permalink)  
Old 07-23-2009, 10:41 PM
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Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'.

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ***.'
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  #805 (permalink)  
Old 07-24-2009, 09:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The old guy replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my wife. She's in here somewhere'.

The clerk is astonished.

'Your wife's name is Crisco?'

The old guy answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we're out in public.'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call her at home?'

'Lard ***.'
I am sending the divorce attorney joke to my stepdaughter the lawyer, and the Crisco joke to everyone cept my wife.
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  #806 (permalink)  
Old 07-25-2009, 11:15 AM
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Chicken and a Horse

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.



One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor..

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell in to a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?
(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)

' When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!
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  #807 (permalink)  
Old 07-25-2009, 11:44 AM
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CHEWING GUM!

An Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped his gum and said, 'You Australian folk eat the whole bread?'
The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, 'of course.'

The American blew a huge bubble. 'We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia .'

The American had a smirk on his face.
The Australian listened in silence.

The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with your bread?' Sighing, the Australian replied, 'of course.'

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'we don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia ..

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?' The American smiled and said Why of course we do..'´
The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, 'And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'
'We throw them away, of course!'
Now it was the Australians turn to smile..
'We don't. In Australia , we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States .
Why do you think it's called Wrigley's?
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  #808 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2009, 01:15 AM
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A little girl asked her father:
'How did the human race appear?'

The father answered, 'God made Adam and Eve; they had children; and so was all mankind made..'

Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.

The mother answered,
'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.'

The confused girl returned to her father and said,
'Dad, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?'

The father answered,
'Well, Dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family,and your mother told you about hers.'
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  #809 (permalink)  
Old 07-29-2009, 11:07 AM
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In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University On a hike through the bush, he came across a young
bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant’s foot, and found a large
piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he
could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant
gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a
rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.
Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually
the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot
that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his
teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front
foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder.. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped
its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing,
killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same elephant.
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  #810 (permalink)  
Old 07-30-2009, 02:53 PM
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Scottish Humor

A Scotsman, dressed in full military regalia, walks up to the pharmacist, reaches into his pouch and pulls out a very tattered and nasty looking condom.

After carefully placing the condom on the counter, he asks the pharmacist: "Do you repair these?" and the pharmacist replies: "Why yes, we do." The Scotsman asks: "How much is it to repair it?" and the pharmacist replies "Two shillings." The Scotsman then asks: "How much is it for a new one?" and the pharmacist replies "Three shillings." The Scotsman returns the condom to his pouch, says "Thank you very much" and leaves.

Two days later, the Scotsman returns, walks up to the pharmacist, places the same tattered condom on the counter and says: "The Regiment has voted to repair it."

(Best told with a Scottish accent.)
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