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  #811 (permalink)  
Old 07-30-2009, 07:46 PM
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, 'Business trip or pleasure?'

She turned, smiled and said, 'Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston '

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,

'What's your business role at this convention?'

'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'

'Really?' he said. 'And what kind of myth s are there?'

'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.


Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.'

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said, 'I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.'

'Tonto,' the man said,

'Tonto Goldstein , but my friends call me Bubba.

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  #812 (permalink)  
Old 07-31-2009, 06:28 AM
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Well planned retirement plan

Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England , there is a parking
lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, (or buses for us Yanks).

It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a
ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and
coaches £5 (about $7).

This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25
years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.

"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better
phone up the City Council and get them to send a new
parking attendant . . . "

"Err . . . no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your
responsibility."

"Err . .. . no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the
attendant was employed by the City Council, wasn't
he?"
"Err . . . no!" insisted the Council.

Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain
(presumably), is a man who had been taking the
parking lot fees, estimated at £400 (about $560) per
day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years. Assuming 7
days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million
($7 million - or $280,000 every year for 25 years)!

And no one even knows his name.
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  #813 (permalink)  
Old 07-31-2009, 09:02 AM
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very touching story

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Pine Street Elementary in Spartanburg , SC forwarded the following letter.

The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say "thank you". This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Pine Street Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Rosecrest Retirement Home. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ***.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,
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  #814 (permalink)  
Old 07-31-2009, 09:12 AM
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The Perfect Solution to Senior Health Care

While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with one of my "red neck" friends, the other day, I think we have found the solution.

I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Letís take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.

So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need!!! New teeth, great!!! Need glasses, no problem. New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.

I really think we have a Perfect Solution!!!
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  #815 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2009, 06:20 AM
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sorry...another blonde joke

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the
other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This
is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the
whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts
to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she
throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen
a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and
asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out
of there."
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  #816 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2009, 06:23 AM
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Luxury cars will soon be a thing of the past. They have always been beyond my means but I took out a luxury car last week, just to drive that sucker.

The salesman sat in the back seat describing the car and options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained the seats directed warm air to your butt during the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.

I stated the car must be a Republican car. He asked why I thought it was a Republican car, and I explained if it were a Democrat car the seats would blow smoke up your asz year 'round.
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  #817 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2009, 06:16 PM
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Children's Science Exam

If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (This kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (i.e. abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.


Q: Give the meaning of the term !Caesarian Section".
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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  #818 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2009, 06:24 PM
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their Parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Makaila was left.

"Makaila, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed Four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Mommy when she's been drinking."
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  #819 (permalink)  
Old 08-03-2009, 06:45 PM
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Enquiring minds

To use the old advertising phrase: "Enquiring minds want to know" -
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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  #820 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2009, 06:23 AM
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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named
Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said,
'Give me liberty, or give me death'?"


She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:
"Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

"Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People shall not
perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
"Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar,
who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F*ck the Indians,"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."The teacher glares
around and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"

"George HW Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair, waving his hand, and shouts to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria, someone said, "You little s**t. If you say
anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to
the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And, as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh
crap, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "The American people, November 4, 2008."
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  #821 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2009, 08:54 AM
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We all need some inspiration:

The Importance of Walking


Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.


The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
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  #822 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2009, 07:03 PM
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Nurses

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest man thingy the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been any bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then almost fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to regain her composure.

"I'm so sorry," said the nurse. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.

Things went downhill from there.
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  #823 (permalink)  
Old 08-07-2009, 07:18 PM
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It is a medical fact that, if Politicians take Viagra, they only get taller
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  #824 (permalink)  
Old 08-09-2009, 04:04 PM
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i loved this one

A class of five-year old students were learning to read.

A little girl named Suzie pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,

"Look at this! A frickin' elephant!"

The teacher took a deep breath, then asked..."What did you call it?"

"a frickin' elephant! It says so on the picture!"

And so it does...







" A f r i c a n Elephant "

later gator
russ
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  #825 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2009, 05:17 AM
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In South Los Angeles , a fire destroyed a fourplex. A Nigerian family of six
Internet con artists lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished
in the fire.
A group of seven Islamic Kenyan welfare cheats, all illegally in the country,
lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in the fire.
Six Hispanic, gang banger, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
And one white couple lived on the top floor. They miraculously survived the
fire.

Jesse Jackson , John Burris and Al Sharpton were furious at the apparent racial
inequity of the situation.
Why were just the white couple saved? They flew to LA and demanded a meeting
with the fire chief .
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the African Americans, black Muslims
and Hispanics all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.
The fire chief quietly replied, "They were at work."
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