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  #826 (permalink)  
Old 08-10-2009, 10:54 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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The Soldier and the Nun

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt.. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way..'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.

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  #827 (permalink)  
Old 08-11-2009, 07:12 PM
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The language used is a bit smutty, but 'he tells it like it is' with out cursing.

If you don't laugh hysterically at this report, as written by a retired dentist, CHECK YOUR PULSE . . . it is funny AND true.

We have the standard 6' fence in our backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

I bought the biggest cattle charger our local Tractor Supply had to handle the 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8' long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key; the greater the length you put into the ground, the better the fence works.

One day recently I was mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart, 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire was broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the hot wire and reached down to grab it to throw it out of the way. It seemed as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Suddenly I was standing there, with the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

TIME STOOD STILL.

The first thing I noticed was my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seemed as though the fence charger and the piece of crap lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical (and all my other) impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM! BAM! BAM! you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At that point I was about 30 minutes (actually maybe 2 seconds) into
holding onto the fence wire.. My hand was wrapped around the wire - palm down so I couldn't let go. I grew up on a farm, so I know all about electric fences, but Dad always had those piece of crap chargers made by some company like International, or whoever, that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.

At that point I was thinking I was going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I thought, as I remembered I just filled the tank!

Then I realized the lawnmower was starting to run rough. It had settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I thought, "Oh God please die . . . Pleeeeaze, Pleeeeaze die'; but nooooo!!! It settled into the rough, lumpy, cam idle nicely and remained there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I was in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day . . . he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire . . . but I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was quite a bit later in the day because I was very sunburned on top of everything else I'd been through.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.
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  #828 (permalink)  
Old 08-12-2009, 06:26 PM
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Lie Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move"

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.."


"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."


"Where's Obama's clock?" asked the man. "Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
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  #829 (permalink)  
Old 08-14-2009, 12:33 PM
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THIS JUST IN ...



Democrats, realizing the huge success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers"
rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care
Plan.



President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this
major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have
obtained a advanced copy of the proposal which is named....



CASH FOR CODGERS and it works like this... Couples wishing to access health
care funds in order to pay for the delivery of a child will be required to
turn in one old person for each child they conceive. The amount the
government grants them will be fixed according to a sliding scale. Older
and more prescription dependent codgers will garner the highest amounts,
while younger healthier codgers will earn them less.



Special "Bonus Money" will be paid for those submitting codgers in
targeted groups such as; smokers, beer/ alcohol drinkers, persons 10 pounds
over their government prescribed weight, and any member of the Republican
Party.



Smaller bonuses will be given for codgers who eat/drink; beef, soda, fried
foods, tater chips, lattes ,whole milk, dairy products, bacon, Brussel
sprouts, Carvel or Girl Scout Cookies.



All codgers will be immediately rendered totally useless via toxic injection
upon submission to the plan. This will insure that they are not secretly
resold/reused or that their body parts be harvested to keep other codgers in
decent repair.
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  #830 (permalink)  
Old 08-15-2009, 06:51 AM
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THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!!
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!







When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda





And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.

You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!

And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it
up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!

Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ***! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!


You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your *** and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO
REMOTES!!!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
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  #831 (permalink)  
Old 08-16-2009, 10:27 PM
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Saskatchewan humor

A group of Saskatchewan friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone,

staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. 'Where's Henry?' the others asked.

'Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail,' the successful hunter replied.

'You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?' they

inquired.

'A tough call,' nodded the hunter. 'But I figured no one is going

to steal Henry!'

__________________________________________________ ____ _____

A senior in Saskatchewan was overheard saying . 'When the end of

the world, comes, I hope to be in Saskatchewan.'

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Saskatchewan because

everything happens in Saskatchewan 20 years later than in the rest

of the civilized world.

__________________________________________________ _________

The young man from Saskatchewan came running into the store and

said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!' Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was? '

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got the license

number.'

__________________________________________________ ________

NEWS FLASH! - Saskatchewan's worst air disaster occurred when a

small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two University of

Saskatchewan students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today.

Search and Rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and

expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery

efforts.

__________________________________________________ ________

The Saskatchewan RCMP pulled over a pickup on Highway 16.

The RCMP officer asked, 'Got any ID?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?

__________________________________________________ _________

A man in Saskatchewan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of

the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he

turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I have a flat tire.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back! I never did understand it either.'
__________________________________________________ ________________

The owner of a golf course in Saskatchewan was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, 'You graduated from the University of Saskatchewan and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?'

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, 'Everything but my earrings.'

(You gotta love those Saskatchewan women.}
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  #832 (permalink)  
Old 08-17-2009, 06:36 AM
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thats funny stuff,I had no idea the Sasquash was so advanced,I gotta show this one to my wife,but she gets mad when I call her bigfoot.I hope she dont start throwing rocks and trees at me again. she's a legend around these parts. hehehe
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  #833 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2009, 10:17 AM
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way to much time on my hands

CASH FOR CLUNKERS-MAXINE STYLE











IF MY BODY WERE A CAR...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or laugh, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires.

CASH FOR CLUNKERS..........I QUALIFY - How about You?
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  #834 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2009, 10:47 AM
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YOU GOTTA LOVE A GOOD NURSE!
>
> A motorcycle patrolman was rushed to the
hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him
that all was well.
>
> However, the patrolman kept feeling
something pulling at the hairs in his crotch. Worried that it might be a
second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got
enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what
was making him so uncomfortable.
>
> Taped firmly across his pubic hair were
three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters was the sentence:
Get well soon....from the nurse in the Jeep you pulled over last week..."!

All I’ve got to say is - - -Ouch! cb
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  #835 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2009, 03:07 PM
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Great Pick-up Line


A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' 'No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now? 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties. 'The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!' The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.
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  #836 (permalink)  
Old 08-18-2009, 04:42 PM
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A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, struggling outside the feed store he now had a problem - how to carry all of his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who said she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Maiden Lane ?'

He said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

The little old lady looked at him suspiciously and said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in that alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that??'

The old lady answered, 'Well, set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket - - and I'll hold the chickens!'
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Old 08-20-2009, 06:06 PM
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This morning the Wiffy asked "what are you going to do today?"
and I said "nothing"
then she replied "that's what you did yesterday"
and I said "yeah, I know, I haven't finished yet"
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Old 08-21-2009, 07:39 AM
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Electronically Challenged Senior Citizen

Things are spiraling out of control. I've become lost in a world of electronic madness.

One of my sons informed me this week that my cell phone has become obsolete, and I must head down to the Cell Phone store to get a phone that is contemporary with the times. I pointed out that the fancy Razor/Slim-Line phone (with camera built in), that he made me trade my perfectly good flip-top Motorola cell phone for two years ago, still works perfectly fine. Well, except for the camera thing. Never could figure that part out. Even the few times I actually did take pictures, I couldn't figure what to do with them. I just gave up, except for the times when I'd push the wrong button, and take a video of the ceiling, or my feet.

As for 'texting'....... I'm absolutely unable to text, with the tiny little 3 character buttons. "Hi, son," comes out looking like, "Gh Qmo." My grandkids have even spoken to my wife about 'Poppa's crazy text messages'. Give me a break. Whatever happened to actually talking on a phone? Isn't that what they were invented for?!

Now, they want me to get one of those 'new' phones - the ones you can turn upside down, and sideways. The ones with a typewriter keyboard.........with keys about one-eighth the size of my pinky finger.

One of my four sons is a realtor whose real occupation is fly fishing. "Way to go, son." Or in my text language, "Xbz um Io, rmo."

We were floating the Yakima River, in his guide quality drift boat south of Ellensburg , Washington . We were miles from anything remotely resembling civilization. Rock canyon walls were on either side of us.

(Please bear with me as I try to explain this strange thing.)

His 'Blackberry' rang. It was blue, so I asked him why it wasn't called a 'Blueberry'. He shook his head with that 'dealing with an elder' look of despair. I get that look a lot these days. It was another realtor calling him, to say that the sellers he represented had agreed to my son's client's changes, and he had the signed documents in hand.

My son told him to FAX the papers to his office, and he would get them signed and Faxed back in order to close the deal that morning. A minute later the phone rang. He hit a few buttons and looked over the FAX, which was now on the Yakima River with us.

He then called his clients and told them he was Faxing the papers to them to sign, and asked them to FAX them back to his office. While he was waiting, he hooked into a fat rainbow, and was just releasing this 22 inch beauty as his phone rang again.........with the signed FAX from his clients. He called the other realtor, and told him he was sending the signed papers back by FAX. The deal was closed. My son then smiled, and said......"You're a little behind the times Dad." I guess I am.

I thought about the sixty million dollar a year business I ran - with 1800 employees - all without a Blackberry that played music, took videos, still pictures, and communicated with Facebook and Twitter.

I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grandkids and 2 great grandkids could all communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter, with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone, and every other program within the texting world. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday, because they say I get lost every now and then - going over to the grocery store, or the library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench, with the Blue tooth [ it's red ] phone I'm supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once, and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble, talking to my wife. Suddenly I realized everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. Seems I had to take my hearing aid out, to use my Blue Tooth, and I'd gotten a little loud.

The GPS thingie did look pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside was the most annoying and rudest person I'd run into in a long while. Every 10 minutes, she'd sarcastically say, "Re-calc-ul-ating." You'd think she could be a bit nicer. It seemed like she could barely tolerate me. She'd let go with a deep sigh, and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then, when I'd make a right turn instead...........well, it was not good.

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets - and while she's starting to develop the same tone as 'Gypsy', the GPS lady, at least she loves me!

To be perfectly frank, I'm still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, and I still haven't figured out how I can lose all three phones at once, and then have to dig under chair cushions, check bathrooms, and the dirty laundry basket whenever the phone rings. (I did find my glasses case and the extra TV remote.)

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You'd think they could settle on something themselves, but this "Paper or Plastic?" thing, every time I check out, just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth, re-usable, bags - to avoid looking confused - but, never remember to take them in with me.

Now I just toss it back at 'em. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?", I simply say.......... "Doesn't matter to me. I'm 'bi-sacksual'." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.


(Just a side note here - what do you call YOUR GPS lady?? Mine is Agatha )
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  #839 (permalink)  
Old 08-21-2009, 11:14 AM
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A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied, "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"
The man answered "oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', 'inter-steller space travel', 'the latest medical break throughs', etc.......

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A Martini please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked "what is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered, "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Nascar racing, the latest basketball scores, and what to expect the Dodgers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?"??

This time the man drawled out "Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked,



...................



"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e h-a-p-p-y w-i-t-h O-B-A-M-A?
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Old 08-21-2009, 12:02 PM
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Subj: FW: The Therapist




> A husband and wife came for counseling
> after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem
was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade
> listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
> She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
> feeling unloved and unlovable. An entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
> endured over the course of their marriage.

> Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient
> length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after
> asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.
>
>
>
> The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a
> daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your
> wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
>
>
>
> The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can
> drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays,
> I fish!"
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