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  #856 (permalink)  
Old 08-31-2009, 07:29 PM
schnitz's Avatar
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An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack. The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room. After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.

Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."

"Oh, dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"


In a while, Chet.
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  #857 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2009, 03:21 PM
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The Knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful. She remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well then, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
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  #858 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2009, 10:11 AM
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If you wake up looking like this, don't go to work.



(I'm only doing this as a Public Service. There's no need to thank me .)
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  #859 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2009, 10:13 AM
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How do you take those pics without getting the flash back from the Mirror?
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  #860 (permalink)  
Old 09-03-2009, 10:16 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
How do you take those pics without getting the flash back from the Mirror?
Lots of "skill" with my Nikon D70S
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  #861 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2009, 05:28 AM
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well,at least he's still smiling.I dont usually look that good till I get home..,, keep your head up,they can do miracles with that mugg these days....or has that already been done?
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  #862 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2009, 08:50 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
If you wake up looking like this, don't go to work.



(I'm only doing this as a Public Service. There's no need to thank me .)
Yep the dreaded swine flu.
Truth can be stranger (and funnier) than fiction. You do know why the media is calling this flu by letters and numbers now? (something like H1B1)

The pork industry asked them to after pork sales plummeted. That's no joke. People actually thought they could get the Swine flu from eating pork. I spend 5 days a week in different grocery stores doing C.O.O.L. audits, talking to meat mgrs. everyday. Sales in some areas dropped 40%.
Quote:
How do you take those pics without getting the flash back from the Mirror
LMAO! It's always cool to have a good laff first thing in the morning, makes for a good start to the day.
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #863 (permalink)  
Old 09-04-2009, 08:13 PM
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Surgeons

Five surgeons are discussing who has the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed,
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are
no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine. And there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the rectum - and they are interchangeable'
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  #864 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2009, 01:05 AM
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A older barber who had been at it for a while had made a decent living over the years. On the week before his retirement, he decided to give back to his clientele.

As the barber was finishing up a haircut, the client, a florist, asked him how much.

"No charge. This is my last week. I'm giving free haircuts to celebrate and to show my appreciation to all of you."

The next day, the barber shows up to his shop to open up, and waiting at the door are a dozen roses.

That day, a police officer comes in to get a haircut.

"How much?" asks the policeman.

"No charge this week. I'm retiring."

The next morning, the barber finds waiting for him at the door a dozen donuts .

That day, a politician comes in to get a haircut.

"How much?" asks the politician.

"No charge for haircuts this week. I'm giving back to the community."

The next morning, the barber finds waiting for him at the door a dozen politicians.
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  #865 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2009, 02:00 PM
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Elvis and Michael Jackson found alive in Arkansas !
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  #866 (permalink)  
Old 09-05-2009, 09:40 PM
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Blonde Boy

Naked Cowboy

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a
blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy
hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking
around like this?'

The cowboy says, 'Well it's like this Sheriff ....

I was in this bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me
to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my
shirt...
So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I
did.


Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I
did.



Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go
to town cowboy.. '


'And here I am.'


Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist
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  #867 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2009, 07:34 AM
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All I gotta’ say is - they shoulda’ had this job opening about l8 years ago - - -!

Peace Out



cb






Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;





Two men and a woman.



For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right

man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife..' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes Take your wife and go home..'


Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband.
She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one


after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was


quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
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  #868 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2009, 07:59 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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never mind - brain fart
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  #869 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2009, 08:30 AM
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Just dont try lighten one a doze Watchet,you'll burn all da hairs out yer ears...
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  #870 (permalink)  
Old 09-06-2009, 08:46 AM
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roflmao
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