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  #871 (permalink)  
Old 09-07-2009, 10:51 PM
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A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread..

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder "why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"

Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

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  #872 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2009, 05:01 AM
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----------------------------------------------------------------------
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their
car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly,
out of nowhere, a tiny Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses
through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says
Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on
and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the
Vatican ," says Sister Helen .

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the
water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fook off the windshield! "
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  #873 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2009, 07:23 AM
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(note to self: dear, self, please clean coffee of of the monitor screen )
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  #874 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2009, 03:16 PM
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pray for leroy

"Anybody that wants to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."?

Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks,"Leroy, how is your hearing now?"?

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"
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  #875 (permalink)  
Old 09-08-2009, 03:22 PM
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No Fear

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was
sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started
screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in
a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty, except for one elderly gentleman who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that
God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said,
"Do you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of
me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years."
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  #876 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2009, 12:51 AM
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards the his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago".
He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”.
“Lecturer" , she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality" .
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well, she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent who are the best , I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck"...Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed... “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name ?.”
“Tonto,” the man replied...........“Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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  #877 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2009, 11:07 AM
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The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants.
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical scissors... Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side...
then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?"
The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it.. What did you do?"







The doctor replied
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...
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  #878 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2009, 05:12 PM
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A Doug and his midget friend John were having a drink at a hotel when they spotted a couple of nice looking girls. They approached them and asked if they could sit down. The girls obliged.

The girls introduced themselves.

"I'm Lisa and this is my friend Jackie."

Soon they were having a great time together, ordering drinks and shooters. At the end of the evening, they all agreed to get a couple of rooms to spend the night. Their rooms turned out to be one beside the other.

Doug and Lisa had a great old time and then settled down to pass out. Before falling asleep, Doug noticed he could hear John through the wall going, " One, two, three, UNGH! One, two, three, UNGH! One, two, three, UNGH!""

Doug thought to himself, "Hmm! That's kinda kinky, but whatever floats John's boat." And then Doug passed out.

The next day after saying goodbye to the girls, Doug and John were walking down the sidewalk. John asked Doug, "So how was Lisa?"

Doug said, "Fantastic. Great night. Super nice girl. How was Jackie?"

"I wish I knew," says John. "I could never get up onto the bed."
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  #879 (permalink)  
Old 09-09-2009, 11:55 PM
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The doctor replied
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...

freaking hilarious!
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  #880 (permalink)  
Old 09-10-2009, 06:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
The doctor replied
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots...

freaking hilarious!
thats for sure ding I just had to copy & paste that one
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  #881 (permalink)  
Old 09-12-2009, 11:22 AM
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Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business stinks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my *****."

Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

"That's okay," the blonde replied, "I can relate; if I don't sell more ***** this month, I'm going to lose my car."
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  #882 (permalink)  
Old 09-12-2009, 01:43 PM
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New Truck

I bought a new Chevy Silverado & returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson', the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?' 'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again' came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant 'Georgia On My Mind'replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say,'Beethoven', I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles', I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him. I yelled, 'Arse-Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with, "Ladies & gentlemen, the President of the United States."


Damn I love my New Chevy Truck!
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  #883 (permalink)  
Old 09-17-2009, 06:31 PM
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Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled, "Survivor, Texas-Style."




The contestants will all start in Dallas , drive to Waco , Austin , San Antonio , over to Houston , then down to Brownsville.




They will then proceed up to Del Rio , El Paso , Midland , Odessa , Lubbock , and Amarillo . From there they will go on to Abilene , Fort Worth , and finally back to Dallas .




Each will be driving a pink Volvo with bumper stickers that read: "I'm Gay," "I Love the Dixie Chicks," "Boycott Beef," "I Voted for Obama," "George Strait Sucks," "Hillary in 2012," and "I'm here to confiscate your guns."







The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins.
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  #884 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 05:42 AM
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Did you ever wonder why there are 'No Dead Penguins'
on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more!

It is a known fact the penguin is a very ritualistic bird.
It lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is committed to its family and will mate for life,
as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact
with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface,
other members of the family and social circle
have been known to dig holes in the ice,
using their vestigial wings and beaks,
until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird
to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing:


"FREEZE a jolly good fellow."


Then, they kick him in THE ICE HOLE.

* (Did you really believe I know anything about penguins?)*

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  #885 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 11:44 AM
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Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
>
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
>
1st woman: I froze to death.
>
2nd woman: How horrible!
>
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
>
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
>
1st woman: So, what happened?
>

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
>
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
>
PRICELESS
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