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  #76 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2007, 05:17 AM
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.



"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3 o'clock in the morning."

He slams the door and returns to bed.



"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push!"



"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No. I did not.

It is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!"



His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

You should be ashamed of yourself!"



The man reluctantly gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain.



He calls out into the dark, "Hello. Are you still there?"



"Yes," comes back the answer.



"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.



"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.



"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

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  #77 (permalink)  
Old 12-24-2007, 09:12 AM
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An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before
the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied: a can of peaches. The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. He said, " What is it?" The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
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Old 12-24-2007, 06:28 PM
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How does King Wenceslas like his pizza?







Deep pan, crisp and even.
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  #79 (permalink)  
Old 01-01-2008, 01:33 PM
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I was going for a short walk the other day, and a hearse stopped to ask if I needed a ride. I told the driver, "No thanks, I'm not going that far....."


In a while, Chet.
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  #80 (permalink)  
Old 01-02-2008, 01:06 PM
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Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots & control towers around the world. Some are a little bit dated but enjoyable anyhow......
__________________________________________________
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 Degrees."
"Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

"Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign
Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
------------------------------------------
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed
his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Dave
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  #81 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2008, 02:46 AM
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While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "What do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then
four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I
slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot @sshole?" he asked
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face....... PRICELESS
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  #82 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2008, 09:31 AM
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Thanks to Dave... more airline humor...

The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right & left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers there are nervous giggles heard, as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them the engines start spooling up and the airplane taxis out to the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical! Finally, when the airplane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne!!!

In the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers are going to scream too late, and we're gonna get killed!"


In a while, Chet.
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  #83 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2008, 03:33 PM
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Rob took his dad William to the mall the other day to buy some booze. They decided to grab a bite at the food court.
Rob noticed his dad was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue. William kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?' Rob knew what his dad was like & quickly swallowed his food so that he would not choke on his dad's response (knowing he would have a good one). And in his classic style, he responded:
"I got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son".
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  #84 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2008, 04:22 PM
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There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: "Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants?"

SL: "It's logical. He wants to rape us!"

SM: "Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?"

SL: "The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster".

SM: "It's not working".

SL: "Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too".

SM: "So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute".

SL: "The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both".

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.



Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: "Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!"

SL: "The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, he could only follow one of us & he just happened to choose me!"

SM: "Yes, yes! But what happened then?"

SL: "The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could".

SM: "And?"

SL: "The only logical thing happened. He reached me!"

SM: "Oh, dear! What did you do?"

SL: "The only logical thing I could do. I lifted my dress up."

SM: "Oh, Sister! What did the man do?"

SL: "The only logical thing he could do. He pulled down his pants".



SM: "Oh, no! What happened then?"

SL: "Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down!"
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  #85 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2008, 05:20 PM
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A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes... BOOM!!! A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leading towards the heavens, so he starts climbing up. After an hour of hard climbing, he arrives at a landing where an old man in white robes with a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am St Peter, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is wonderful news" screams the bomber, 'Mohammed is higher than St Peter! I can hardly believe it'.

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After an hour or so of hard climbing he arrives at another landing. Standing on the landing is a serene looking man with long hair and a long white beard.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am Jesus, Mohammed is further up the stairs". "But this is amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than Jesus! I can hardly believe it, martyrdom is wonderful!!"

With this he carries on climbing up the stairs. After another hour or so of hard climbing he arrives on a huge landing. There, sitting on a magnificent throne is another old man, with flowing white robes, beard and long white hair.

"Excuse me sir" he says "are you Mohammed?" "No" replies the old man, "I am God." "But this is absolutely amazing news" screams the bomber, "Mohammed is higher than God! I am so happy I can't believe it, martyrdom is more than wonderful!"

"You look tired my son" said God "would you like to sit down and rest a while?" "Oh yes" replied the bomber "I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you".

The bomber sits down and God says "You look thirsty my son, would you like a cup of coffee?" "Oh yes please" replies the bomber "I am most thirsty, thank you".

With this God turns, snaps his fingers and shouts: "Oy, Mohammed, two coffees down here and make it snappy!!"
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Old 01-08-2008, 11:30 PM
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A man was fishing offshore in beautiful conditions. His first drop began with a 65 lb Kingfish and the second produced a 20 lb snapper. On the third drop he had just scored his first ever Yellow fin tuna when his mobile phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in the intensive care unit. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital. He ended up catching several personal bests, and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital.

He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll have to be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor snickered and said, "Just messing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"
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  #87 (permalink)  
Old 01-09-2008, 01:00 AM
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That's some funny stuff there..(just what is "stuff"....I dunno, it's just stuff ,,you know.)


I have had this one particular song stuck in my head for the last 3 days.

It starts like this:
"While I was driving down I 95 the other night, somebody nearly cut me off the road"....


Don't bring the kids if you click these links...well, maybe the older ones.

This video has the previously mentioned song, and it's video content is notable only for it's poor spelling and obvious misinterpretation of the words.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3i6OrOZwtmA&NR=1


Same song, but with pictures of georgie and all his friends. Some funny ones too.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeI5y...eature=related


Later, mikey
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BE different....ACT normal.

No one is completely useless..They can always be used as a bad example
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Old 01-09-2008, 05:43 AM
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That's (and with correctly placed apostrophe) a pretty mild song for expletives when you drive on I95 between NYC to well past Richmond. Then there is the Baaaston area of I95 - and those folks are just plain nuts

Dave W
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  #89 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2008, 06:23 AM
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More airline funnies

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his aircraft into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to flight number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD! Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I Scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


And now for aircraft maintenance funnies..

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS Airways pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way QANTAS Airways is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.

*************************************

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



In a while, Chet.

Last edited by schnitz; 01-18-2008 at 01:12 PM.
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  #90 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2008, 10:24 AM
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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

Bad golfer: Wack! Fudge! (think "A Christmas Story")
Bad skydiver: FUDGE! Wack!
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