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  #886 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 12:55 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A guy says to his mate, "Whatīs up you look upset ?"
"Upset ?" he says, "Of course Iīm upset, Daveīs dead."
"Daveīs dead, what happened ?"
"He came home the other night and the brakes on his car failed, went straight through the wall and hit the concrete doorstep, car stood up on end and he went through the steel roof and up through the bedroom window."
"All the window glass shatters and comes down on his back."
"Oh no what a terrible way to go."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He gets up and grabs onto the wardrobe which begins to come down on top of him, he reaches up with his left hand and grabs the light, the big chandelier, and that comes down and cuts his face to smithereens, then the wardrobe smashes him into the bedroom floor"
"Oh my god, Iīm terribly..............."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He gets up and pulls down the loft ladder, goes up to try and pull up all the wiring, as he does his foot goes through the ceiling, so he reaches out for the header tank, 1000 gallons, to balance himself, the tank comes away and pours water all over him sending him back onto the floor below."
"Then the tank comes down onto him caving in all his ribs."
Oh no, what a dreadful way to go."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"As he gets up he goes over the bannister which comes away, follows him down and the rods go through him pinning him to the floor, blood everywhere."
Oh my god, what a way to die."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"He pulls the bannisters out and staggers into the kitchen, water slopping about all over the floor."
"He catches his toe under the carpet, falls forward and puts his head through the wall where all the light switches are, cables wrapping around his head, several hundred volts are now coursing through his body...........zzzzzzzzz.........zzzzzzzzzzz...... ....zzzzzzzzz."
"Oh no certainly a terrible death."
NO NO, he got away with that."

"Hang on a minute, hang on, how did he die ?"
"I shot him."
"Why the heck did you shoot him ?"
"He was wrecking the freaking place !!!! "

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  #887 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 03:44 PM
malc's Avatar
Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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Golf instructor.
Difficult woman student.
Sheīs wacking the ball left right not center, cleaving huge divots out of the green, heīs in despair.

"Madam", says he, "Please me more gentle in your approach, you donīt have to throw your weight around to drive the ball."
"Try treating it like your husbands, er, thingy, yes pretend your handling that."

Wack, the ball goes 280 yards straight down the middle.

Peeved the instructor calls her, "Please come over here, and take the golf club out of your mouth."
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  #888 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 06:12 PM
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David McClure of McKinney--excerpt from the Dallas Morning News

A senior moment ... at 48?

David McClure teaches science and coaches at Faubion Middle School
in McKinney . He is also a Teacher Voices volunteer columnist.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said
to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes
and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to
the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the
harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound
of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said
cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet a mere
child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was
wrong with Emo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began
to boil. Old? Me?

I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back
inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a
smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it
in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now?
A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared
with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.
"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into
the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and
tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads
hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my
rearview mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the
back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A
partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien
vehicle. Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot,
relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when
I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach
growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere
to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back
into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth
and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world
coming to?" All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in
here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back
to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security
benefits.

Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a
young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was
holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you
left this in my truck by mistake." I took the food and drink from the
little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: "It's OK. My grandfather does
stuff like this all the time."

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40.
Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told
the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the
hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I
promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a
blankey..

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
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  #889 (permalink)  
Old 09-18-2009, 06:35 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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My Wife met me at the door in a sexy Negligee last night. She had to ring the door bell because she forgot her house key.
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  #890 (permalink)  
Old 09-19-2009, 07:26 AM
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I got up real early to go fishing but it kept raining so I went home and got into bed I felt my wifes sexy hand and she said what took you so long,its pouring out there then she said can you believe my husband is out fishing in that?
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  #891 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:37 AM
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Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white Robe. "Who the hell are you?" demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter."

Dave was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away."

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode."

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never" replies Dave.

"Well just relax and let it happen".

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Dave, wake up you drunken bast*rd, you've sheet the bed!!"
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  #892 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 02:49 PM
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Does this remind you of anyone you might know? Cole
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  #893 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 05:02 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Could Red Green also be a Redneck???
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  #894 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 05:36 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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You might be a Redneck if:

You clean out your garage and discover you didn't sell your motorcycle after all

You wash your Chevy and discover it's a Ford
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  #895 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
You might be a Redneck if:

You clean out your garage and discover you didn't sell your motorcycle after all

You wash your Chevy and discover it's a Ford
Your family tree has no branches....
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  #896 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by eloc431962
Does this remind you of anyone you might know? Cole
HEY!!! dont bust on Randy...LOL
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  #897 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Could Red Green also be a Redneck???
I certainly hope so, he's my hero .......If you cant be handsome ,you can always be handy...
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  #898 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:10 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
Your family tree has no branches....
your Mom keeps a spit-cup on the ironing board
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  #899 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:12 PM
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OK, Now thats not furny , Ima tellin ....MAWWWWWW !!! Wook wut watchit sayed boutcha, Maw
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  #900 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 06:20 PM
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Maw says ...whats a ironin board ? and shes a lady her spit cups by der terlit were it belons...you a wascawe won watchit

Last edited by deadbodyman; 09-20-2009 at 06:40 PM.
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