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  #901 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 05:27 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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a terlit? wez ain't got no terlit wez jest uses a thunder mug and makes Junior empty'em afore he slops de hawgs in da morn'n - - cept he ain't beena warsh'n his hand afore he makes da beezkits soze wez gotz ta spoke to'em 'bout dat rail soon

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  #902 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 05:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
a terlit? wez ain't got no terlit wez jest uses a thunder mug and makes Junior empty'em afore he slops de hawgs in da morn'n - - cept he ain't beena warsh'n his hand afore he makes da beezkits soze wez gotz ta spoke to'em 'bout dat rail soon
Youse got bizkits????
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  #903 (permalink)  
Old 09-20-2009, 05:45 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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kathaid bizkits with greez grabby
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  #904 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2009, 04:44 AM
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I told you so.
This is a story about a couple that had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor, as she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner, he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, then a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl, went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep,
gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic
waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his
underpants.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting,
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had gotten him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his
bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her
lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I
didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.
But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I
got most of them back in.
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  #905 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2009, 05:03 AM
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A Japanese company (Toyota) and an American company (General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.
Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilise that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganised to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program', with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by two miles.
Humiliated, the American management laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
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  #906 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2009, 09:07 AM
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Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says,
'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the

world was that?'
The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and

says
'Touchdown, tie score.'

After about five minutes the old man lets

another one go and says,
'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
'Touchdown, tie score.'

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable,he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally ****s in the bed.

The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'

The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides.
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  #907 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2009, 05:07 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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  #908 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2009, 07:12 PM
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Evil Wicked Mean And Nasty
 
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Last edited by eloc431962; 09-23-2009 at 08:31 PM.
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  #909 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:09 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Where do I send the bill for a new keyboard? The one I usually use is full of coffee!!!

Dave W
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  #910 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
Where do I send the bill for a new keyboard? The one I usually use is full of coffee!!!

Dave W
I was gonna say the same thing but it's a little old ,a great one though and should come with a warning to set your coffee down before reading... I'm glad I read it last night before bed ...
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  #911 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:33 AM
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Originally Posted by deadbodyman
I was gonna say the same thing but it's a little old ,a great one though and should come with a warning to set your coffee down before reading... I'm glad I read it last night before bed ...

It wouldn't have been so bad ---- except it was through my nose
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  #912 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 01:34 PM
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One hand clapping.
 

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Prison Humor

Young man goes to prison for the first time. At his first meal in the mess hall, another prisoner stands up, yells NINETEEN and everyone starts laughing. A few minutes later another prisoner stands up, yells TWO OH EIGHT and everyone laughs even louder. This goes on through the meal, with prisoners yelling out numbers and everyone laughing.

The young man returns to his cell and asks his elderly cellmate what the number yelling was all about. The old man tells him: "Jokes have been told so many times in here that we've assigned them numbers. Instead of having to tell the whole joke over again, we just yell out the assigned number.

At the next meal the new prisoner decides to score some points so he jumps up and yells TWENTY-SIX. The mess hall is dead silent so the kid turns to the old man and asks what it means. The old man looks at him and says: "You didn't tell it right."
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  #913 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 02:23 PM
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Incontinence Test

Dear Wretched Ratchet

Thanks for the bear encounter sign. I'm glad I didn't see it until today. I filled out a medical questionnaire this week and it asked if had problems holding my urine. It even clarified the question with "like when you cough or sneeze." Up until seeing that sign, I could honestly say I didn't have a problem. I'm bringing the sign with me on my next visit to the urologist...

I've probably shared too much already.
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  #914 (permalink)  
Old 09-24-2009, 06:00 PM
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  #915 (permalink)  
Old 09-27-2009, 11:20 AM
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Some good name and word anagrams:

Dormitory: Dirty Room
Schoolmaster: The classroom
Elvis: Lives
Clint Eastwood: Old West Action
Western Union: No Wire Unsent
The Country Side: No City Dust Here
Desperation: A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code: Here Come Dots
Slot Machines: Cash Lost in'em
Conversation: Voices Rant On
Heavy Rain: Hire a Navy
Tom Cruise: So I'm Cuter
Mother-in-law: Woman Hitler
Funeral: Real Fun
Snooze Alarms: Alas! No More Z's
A Decimal Point: I'm a Dot in Place
Statue of Liberty: Built to Stay Free
Eleven plus two: Twelve plus one
Mel Gibson: Bong Smile
David Letterman: Nerd Amid Late TV
Howard Stern: Retard Shown
Debit card: Bad Credit
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