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  #976 (permalink)  
Old 10-23-2009, 07:42 PM
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This is such a beautiful story of a bagpiper who was late for a funeral.

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, Sweet Jeezuz, Mary 'n Joseph, I have never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

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  #977 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2009, 05:45 PM
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A professor at Tech/A&M was giving a lecture on the supernatural.



To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.


"Well, that's a good start. "Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.


"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.


"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium


When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks:"So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.


Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! From way back there I thought you said "Goats"
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  #978 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2009, 09:17 PM
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Art Donovan - - oldtime Pro Football Humor via Johnny Carson
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jl_Sa94gCzg
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  #979 (permalink)  
Old 10-27-2009, 04:33 AM
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That was great wratch,what a good way to start the day.
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  #980 (permalink)  
Old 10-27-2009, 06:11 AM
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Alright swallow that coffee and put the cup down,then click this one.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dhkm6sgPdtk Have a great morning!!
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  #981 (permalink)  
Old 10-27-2009, 09:44 AM
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The Greatest Comeback

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.
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  #982 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2009, 09:11 AM
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Why we have Polish Jokes !

This one is a true story that I heard on the radio this morning.

A man in Poland tried to rob a bank and his weapon of choice was a teaspoon.

He was arrested and did not get away with ANY money.
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  #983 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2009, 09:51 AM
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Apperantly it wasnt a Polish bank with Polish employees and it was a plastic spoon.
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  #984 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2009, 02:12 PM
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Polish jokes

The old saw goes - "you can't tell Polish Jokes! There might be Polish people here!"

"Ok, I'll tell 'em real slow!"

I've always been curious, though - is it pronounced "Polish People" or "pollished pepple"?

Sorta like Dilbert's line - is it pronounced "co-worker" or "cow-orker"?
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  #985 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2009, 03:00 PM
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Aren't they just European Rednecks ?
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  #986 (permalink)  
Old 10-28-2009, 03:22 PM
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I hope Randy appreciates this because I am typing every single word from memory.

One time Boudreaux and Thibodeaux were leaving real early and headed for the Swamps to do some hunting and fishing. While they were driving down the back roads they would see roadkill in the middle of the road and Thibodeaux would holler "Stop" and Boudreaux would stop and Thibodeaux would get out and go draw a circle around the roadkill with some chalk that he had brought and kept in his bib-overalls. This went on for some time and after about a dozen stops with Thibodeaux getting out and drawing a chalk circle around various coon, possum, armadillo, snake, nutria and a squirrel or two Boudreaux finally stopped the truck and asked. "What for you be a drawing chalk circles around all them dead critters a laying in the road this morning? Don't you know we are going hunting and fishing?" Then Thibodeaux smiled and said "My Mammy didn't raise no fool! That is just incase we don't kill or catch nuttin' today then on the way out this evening, everything that don't have no chalk circle around it is fresh kill and tonight's "GUMBO"!
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  #987 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2009, 12:42 AM
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Newfoundland declares war on the USA!

Newfoundland declares war on the U.S.A.



President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Obama " a heavily accented voice said. "This is

Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove , Newfoundland , Canada , eh?

I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news !

How big is your army ?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself,

me cousin Harold , me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from

the pub. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my

army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have ta call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. " Mr. Obama , the war is

still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry's farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks

and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to

one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day.. " President Obama , the war

is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an' modified

Harrigan's ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four

boys from the Legion have joined us as well!"

Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. "I must tell you

Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military

complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And

since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jumpins," said Archie, "l'll have ta call youse back."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. " President Obama ! I am

sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis 'ere war."

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack . "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat

over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere's no way we can feed

two million prisoners.."

CANADIAN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN
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  #988 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2009, 08:10 AM
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A cabbie picks up a Nun who gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won ' t stop staring....

The nun asks him why he is staring. He replies: ' I have a question to ask, but I don ' t want to offend you. '

The nun answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you ' re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I ' m sure that there ' s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. '

'Well, I ' ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. '

She responds, ' Well, let ' s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. '

The cab driver is very excited and says, ' Yes, I ' m single and Catholic! '

'OK ' the nun says. ' Pull into the next alley.... '

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child, ' said the nun, ' Why are you crying? '

'Forgive me but I ' ve sinned. I lied and I must confess; I ' m married and I ' m Jewish. '

The nun says, ' That ' s OK. My name is Steve and I ' m going to a Halloween party.. '
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  #989 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2009, 01:05 PM
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MY DADDY IS AN EXOTIC DANCER


One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did
for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic,
businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the
teacher prodded him about his father, he finally replied, 'Okay... my
father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes
in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if
the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with
him all night for money.'

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to
ask him, 'Is that really true about your father?'

'No,' the boy said, 'he actually works for the Democratic National
Committee and helped get Barack Obama elected President last year, but I
was too embarrassed to say that in front of the class.
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  #990 (permalink)  
Old 10-31-2009, 12:40 PM
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Justice in Cleveland , Ohio

Cleveland, OH (AP) - A seven-year old boy was at the center of a Cuyahoga County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible..

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.




After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Cleveland Browns, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.


I FELL FOR IT!! DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU DID TOO!!!
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