Male or Female......?
You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their bottom.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water..(ain't that the truth)
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.
I Called My Friend Andy Sable, A Gastroenterologist, To
Make An Appointment For A Colonoscopy.
A Few Days Later, In His Office, Andy Showed Me A Color Diagram
Of The Colon, A Lengthy Organ That Appears To Go All Over The
Place, At One Point Passing Briefly Through Minneapolis.
Then Andy Explained The Colonoscopy Procedure To Me In A
Thorough, Reassuring And Patient Manner.
I Nodded Thoughtfully, But I Didn\'t Really Hear Anything He
Said, Because My Brain Was Shrieking, \'he\'s Going To Stick A
Tube 17,000 Feet Up Your Behind!\'
I Left Andy\'s Office With Some Written Instructions, And A
Prescription For A Product Called \'moviprep,\' Which Comes In A
Box Large Enough To Hold A Microwave Oven. I Will Discuss Moviprep
In Detail Later; For Now Suffice It To Say That We Must Never Allow
It To Fall Into The Hands Of America \'s Enemies.
I Spent The Next Several Days Productively Sitting Around Being
Then, On The Day Before My Colonoscopy, I Began My
Preparation. In Accordance With My Instructions, I Didn\'t Eat Any
Solid Food That Day; All I Had Was Chicken Broth, Which Is
Basically Water, Only With Less Flavor.
Then, In The Evening, I Took The Moviprep. You Mix Two Packets Of
Powder Together In A One-liter Plastic Jug, Then You Fill It
With Lukewarm Water. (for Those Unfamiliar With The Metric System,
A Liter Is About 32 Gallons).. Then You Have To Drink The Whole
Jug. This Takes About An Hour, Because Moviprep Tastes - And Here I
Am Being Kind - Like A Mixture Of Goat Spit And Urinal
Cleanser, With Just A Hint Of Lemon.
The Instructions For Moviprep, Clearly Written By Somebody With A
Great Sense Of Humor, State That After You Drink It, \'a Loose,
Watery Bowel Movement May Result.\'
This Is Kind Of Like Saying That After You Jump Off Your Roof,
You May Experience Contact With The Ground.
Moviprep Is A Nuclear Laxative. I Don\'t Want To Be Too Graphic,
Here, But, Have You Ever Seen A Space-shuttle Launch? This Is
Pretty Much The Moviprep Experience, With You As The Shuttle.
There Are Times When You Wish The Commode Had A Seat Belt. You
Spend Several Hours Pretty Much Confined To The Bathroom, Spurting
Violently. You Eliminate Everything. And Then, When You Figure You
Must Be Totally Empty, You Have To Drink Another Liter Of
Moviprep, At Which Point, As Far As I Can Tell, Your Bowels Travel
Into The Future And Start Eliminating Food That You Have Not Even
After An Action-packed Evening, I Finally Got To Sleep.
The Next Morning My Wife Drove Me To The Clinic. I Was Very
Nervous. Not Only Was I Worried About The Procedure, But I Had
Been Experiencing Occasional Return Bouts Of Moviprep Spurtage. I
Was Thinking, \'what If I Spurt On Andy?\' How Do You Apologize To
A Friend For Something Like That? Flowers Would Not Be Enough..
At The Clinic I Had To Sign Many Forms Acknowledging That I
Understood And Totally Agreed With Whatever The Heck The Forms
Said. Then They Led Me To A Room Full Of Other Colonoscopy People,
Where I Went Inside A Little Curtained Space And Took Off My
Clothes And Put On One Of Those Hospital Garments Designed By
Sadist Perverts, The Kind That, When You Put It On, Makes You Feel
Even More Naked Than When You Are Actually Naked..
Then A Nurse Named Eddie Put A Little Needle In A Vein In My Left
Hand. Ordinarily I Would Have Fainted, But Eddie Was Very Good, And
I Was Already Lying Down. Eddie Also Told Me That Some People Put
Vodka In Their Moviprep.
At First I Was Ticked Off That I Hadn\'t Thought Of This, But Then
I Pondered What Would Happen If You Got Yourself Too Tipsy To Make
It To The Bathroom, So You Were Staggering Around In Full Fire
Hose Mode. You Would Have No Choice But To Burn Your House.
When Everything Was Ready, Eddie Wheeled Me Into The Procedure
Room, Where Andy Was Waiting With A Nurse And An Anesthesiologist.
I Did Not See The 17,000-foot Tube, But I Knew Andy Had It Hidden
Around There Somewhere. I Was Seriously Nervous At This Point.
Andy Had Me Roll Over On My Left Side, And The Anesthesiologist
Began Hooking Something Up To The Needle In My Hand.
There Was Music Playing In The Room, And I Realized That The Song
Was \'dancing Queen\' By Abba. I Remarked To Andy That, Of All The
Songs That Could Be Playing During This Particular Procedure,
\'dancing Queen\' Had To Be The Least Appropriate.
\'you Want Me To Turn It Up?\' Said Andy, From Somewhere Behind
\'ha Ha,\' I Said. And Then It Was Time, The Moment I Had Been
Dreading For More Than A Decade. If You Are Squeamish, Prepare
Yourself, Because I Am Going To Tell You, In Explicit Detail,
Exactly What It Was Like.
I Have No Idea. Really. I Slept Through It. One Moment, Abba Was
Yelling \'dancing Queen, Feel The Beat Of The Tambourine,\' And
The Next Moment, I Was Back In The Other Room, Waking Up In A Very
Andy Was Looking Down At Me And Asking Me How I Felt. I Felt
Excellent. I Felt Even More Excellent When Andy Told Me That It
Was All Over, And That My Colon Had Passed With Flying Colors. I
Have Never Been Prouder Of An Internal Organ.
On The Subject Of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies Are No Joke, But These Comments During The Exam
Were Quite Humorous...... A Physician Claimed That The Following
Are Actual Comments Made By His Patients (predominately Male)
While He Was Performing Their Colonoscopies:
1. \'take It Easy, Doc. You\'re Boldly Going Where No Man Has
2. \'find Amelia Earhart Yet?\'
3. \'can You Hear Me Now?\'
4. \'are We There Yet? Are We There Yet? Are We There Yet?\'
5. \'you Know, In Arkansas , We\'re Now Legally Married.\'
6. \'any Sign Of The Trapped Miners, Chief?\'
7. \'you Put Your Left Hand In, You Take Your Left Hand
8. \'hey! Now I Know How A Muppet Feels!\'
9. \'if Your Hand Doesn\'t Fit, You Must Quit!\'
10. \'hey Doc, Let Me Know If You Find My Dignity.\'
11. \'you Used To Be An Executive At Enron, Didn\'t You?\'
12. \'now I Know Why I Am Not Gay.\'
And The Best One Of All:
13. \'could You Write A Note For My Wife Saying That My Head Is
Not Up There?\'
LMAO - - - like Jerry Clower once said "If you ever hear a word that starts with Procto, you better gather up the gap in that split-tailed gown they got you in and head for the parking lot as fast as you can!"
DBM. I was taking a break and had a mouth full of water. Now it is all over the screen, wall and me. Thanks for the laugh.
.....ahhh sounds like something that happens to me every few years. I do know about that liter jug - but luckily my NEW doctor has 2 tiny pills that work just as well....
( I woke up from one of those procedures with nurses talking about airplanes flying into the World Trade Center - that one for sure wasn't fun)
They used to use a "prep" stuff called "Go Lightly" (aka Golytely) and you should have heard my Ex-Wiffy describe that stuff - - - hahahahahahaha
Why She Had to Change Hotels........
Last week, I checked into the Four Seasons in Palm Beach and was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages. I looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and I felt quite certain I could bounce a quarter off his well oiled butt.... you get the picture.. I figured, what the heck, I'll give him a call.
"Hello, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night -tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything baby. Now how does that sound?"
He says, "Oh my God... that sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names and small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, 'Good morning Alex.'
'Good morning Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque. 'Pastor, what is this? ' The pastor said, 'Well son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.' Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear asked,
"Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
True story - - - just happened today !
Today I told the Wiffy that I needed to go to town today and pick up some things plus her prescription that was ready and she decided to go with me.
"Hey, that's cool, you need to get out more anyhow" I replied.
So after we finished eating Dinner (Lunch to you Yankees) we loaded up and headed to town (all of 7 miles).
Now, I must interject something here to help with the story - - - The Wiffy has been using a new skin cream and has been real happy with the results so she put on her best "Merle Norman" face and my favorite UT Orange low necked sweater with the orange blouse. "Looking good Mama".
Ok, we get to town and I park and go inside to get the items while she waits in the Car. All of a sudden she notices this younger man driving thru the parking lot and he slowed down and gave her a big old smile. She thinks to herself "I knew the makeup looked pretty good but now I'm really pleased."
Well, then the young man has to move on because of traffic behind him but then here he comes back around again and smiles and waves at her. Now she's starting to get a tad worried and thinking that she might have to give him a piece of her mind if this continues.
So the traffic in the parking lot causes him to have to continue on and then, here he comes again and he gets out of his car. Now she's starting to worry and notices that he has a danged camera and is taking a picture of her.
Just as she is about to get out of the car and read him the riot act, she realizes that we drove the '55 chevy to town and that was what he was "smiling at and taking a picture of"!
APARTMENT for RENT
... SOMETHING TO START THE DAY OFF!!!
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend
the night with her for $500. They did their thing,
and before he left, he told her that he did
not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling
the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to his office, he regretted what he had
done the night before, realising that the whole event had not been
worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 with the following typed note:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your
apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon,
because when I rented the place, I was under the
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately
returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a
beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you
know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of
regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture
to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced
to contact your present landlady...
Some Math +Logic: Here is a little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic. (It also made me Laugh Out Loud.)
Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
8+1+18+4+23 +15+18+11 = 98%
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hardwork and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there,
its the Bull**** and
*** kissing that will put you over the top.
'REMEMBER: SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.' ?
Good Morning All. Have a great weekend.
The Hotel Bill
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost
twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to
stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan
to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for
$350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He
tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth
When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an
Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the
husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to
explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,"
the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He
writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he
looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $50.00."
"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and you could have."
With Thanksgiving having passed in Canada and upcoming in the US of A, I present this
One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my
sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing
how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to
play a trick. She told my sister that she needed
something from the store.
When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of
the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,
and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the
turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.
When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the
turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the
stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something,
she reached in and pulled out the little bird.
With a look of total shock on her face, my mother
exclaimed, 'Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant
At the reality of this horrifying news,
my sister started to cry.It took the family
two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!
There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.
Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.
One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while. She agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said,
"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday".
Awight,Verwy well,said half the guys in the congregation.
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