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  #1036 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 10:05 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.

He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000' the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,' he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about my weekend!'

All Seniors Aren't Senile

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  #1037 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 11:41 AM
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Thats just because WE know its true ...Robishauds live in your town. I knew the drywall ones well.Good drywall finishers, but so tight they squeak when they walk..... You ever watch Canadian football? Its basically just like ours but the object is to get your quarter back $$$$$
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  #1038 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 11:45 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Yes, it was.

I apologise for the very British humor there.
Personally ,I love the britts humor....Monty python's flying circus. "killer rabbit"
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  #1039 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 11:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
I almost didn't post that one - I know how many French names we have from this area (including yours, DBM) but then I also know that most laugh just as hard at the French jokes as the Poles laugh at the Polish jokes, and Irish.........

Dave W
OOh, Did you say Irish????? another favorite,Mom's Scott and Irish and Welch....How do you wipe that silly grin off an Irish man's face?????LAST CALL !!!!!!
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  #1040 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 11:59 AM
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Did you know....The tooth brush was invented by the french??????? It sure was,If anyone else invented it ,it would be call a "teeth brush"
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  #1041 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 12:02 PM
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Q: when was the last good french barbecue?
A: 1431, and it involved Joan of Arc

Q: Why don't the French Barbeque?
A: The snails keep slipping between the grills.

Q: How do you get a French waiter's attention?
A: Start ordering in German.

Q: What's the difference between France and Quebec?
A: Quebec has prettier women and colder beer.

Q: Why do the French like smelly cheeses?
A: Well, in a room full of French people, you can't really smell the cheese.

"A Frenchmen's home is where another man's wife is." - Mark Twain -1878-79 Journal

"There is nothing lower than the human race...except for the French." - Mark Twain 1878-79

"French history: They turn on their friends and surrender to their enemies!"

I got a tip for you , if you install the french versions of your favorite programs, THEY RUN A LOT FASTER

The makers of French's Mustard made the following recent statement: "We at the French's Company wish to put an end to statements that our product is manufactured in France. There is no relationship, nor has there ever been a relationship, between our mustard and the country of France. Indeed, our mustard is manufactured in Rochester, NY. The only thing we have in common is that we are both yellow".

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France? Because she has only one arm raised.
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  #1042 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 12:17 PM
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A man's been drinking at a pub all night.
When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face.
He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail.
He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face.
Finally he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home.
When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face.
He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed.
The next morning he awakens to see his wife standing over him, shouting: "So, you've been out drinking again!"
"Why do you say that?" he asks.

"The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again
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  #1043 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 12:24 PM
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Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

Last edited by deadbodyman; 11-22-2009 at 04:05 PM.
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  #1044 (permalink)  
Old 11-22-2009, 04:08 PM
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In France,how do they seperate the men from the boys ??????? With a crow bar.
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  #1045 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2009, 01:10 PM
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Just think..........
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of *** this Thanksgiving!!....


Happy Thanksgiving All
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  #1046 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2009, 01:26 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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> Dear
> wife:
>
> I'm writing you
> this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you
> forever.
>
> I've been a good man to
> you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These
> last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me
> that you quit your job today & that was the last
> straw.
>
> Last week, you came home
> & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked
> your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk
> boxers.
>
> You ate in 2 minutes, &
> went straight to sleep after watching all of your
> soaps..
>
> You don't tell me you
> love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that
> connects us as husband & wife. Either you're
> cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever
> the case, I'm gone.
>
> Your
> EX-Husband.
>
>
> P.S. SO don't try to
> find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
> Virginia together!
>
>
> Have a great
> life!
>
>
> Dear
> Ex-Husband
>
> Nothing has made my day more
> than receiving your letter. It's true you & I
> have been married for 7 years, although a good man is
> a far cry from what you've been.
>
> I watch my soaps so much
> because they drown out your constant whining &
> griping. Too bad that doesn't
> work.
>
> I DID notice when you got a
> hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to
> mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my
> mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say
> something nice, I didn't comment.
>
> And when you cooked my
> favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with
> MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years
> ago.
>
> About those new silk boxers:
> I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag
> was still on them, and I prayed
> it was a coincidence that my sister had just
> borrowed $50 from me that morning.
>
> After all of this, I
> still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I
> hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job
> & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got
> home you were gone..
>
> Everything happens for a
> reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life
> you always wanted. My lawyer said that
> the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from
> me. So take care.
>
> Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich
> As Hell & Free!
>
>
> P.S. I don't know if I
> ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.
> I hope that's not a problem.
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  #1047 (permalink)  
Old 11-23-2009, 02:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
Just think..........
If the Indians had given the Pilgrims a donkey
instead of a turkey, we would all be having
a piece of *** this Thanksgiving!!....


Happy Thanksgiving All
Speak for yourself ....my wife's got so much *** I've been having leftovers since LAST thanksgiving.....Looks like left overs this year too.... Donkey isnt so bad once you get used to its kick....
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  #1048 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2009, 05:20 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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In an Alabama college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'

Yep, these are the same 18 year olds that Vote!
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  #1049 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2009, 04:29 PM
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My 2 cents worth
 
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TO:

Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away our favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farah Fawcett.

Just so you know, our favorite politician is Barack Obama.
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  #1050 (permalink)  
Old 11-24-2009, 07:31 PM
Semper Gumby
 
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The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to

go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and

then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands

again. The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands.

One thing led to another and they make love. After they have done, the girl

says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did

you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing."
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