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  #1066 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2009, 10:21 AM
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" IN GOD WE TRUST"




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian..



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.

Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.

Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.

In a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:!
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio-cast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned,

this interview was over.

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  #1067 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2009, 10:50 AM
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You gotta love a guy that can win an arguement AND get the last word in.
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  #1068 (permalink)  
Old 12-05-2009, 01:55 PM
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A Love Story:

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny'sfather to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, Jenny and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only ten years old. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."
Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little s##t is adorable.............................
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  #1069 (permalink)  
Old 12-07-2009, 12:03 PM
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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of
tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through
photos. They start reminiscing.

'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would have been 24 years old now.'

'Yes, I remember him as a baby,' says the other mother cheerfully.

'He's a martyr now though,' mum confides.

'Oh, so sad dear,' says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would have been 21.

'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, he had such curly hair when he
was born'.

'He's a martyr too,' says mum quietly.

'Oh, gracious me,' says the other.

'And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18,' she whispers.

'Yes,' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school.

'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

'They blow up so fast, don't they?
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  #1070 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:12 AM
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,

'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard

'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.


'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
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  #1071 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:15 AM
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Letter to a Redneck
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out..
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
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  #1072 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:19 AM
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This is for all the germ conscious folks

that worry about using cold water to clean.



John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather

in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan

After spending a great evening chatting the night away,

the next morning John's grandfather prepared

breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.



However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate,

and questioned his grandfather asking,



'Are these plates clean?'



His grandfather replied,



'They're as clean as cold water can get em.

Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'





For lunch the old man made hamburgers.

Again, John was concerned about the plates,

as his appeared to have tiny specks around

the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,



'Are you sure these plates are clean?'



Without looking up the old man said,



'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as

clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you

fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'



Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town

and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog

started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.





John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.






Without diverting his attention from the football game

he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!



'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'
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  #1073 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:23 AM
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The Duck Hunter



A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged... shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all the pellets."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive pellet damage done to your penis, so I'm going to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Symphony Orchestra and she will teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
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  #1074 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:33 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Wiping the tears away to say - - - is there any way that we can require a "No Liquid in the Mouth Warning" for these kinds of Jokes?
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  #1075 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 09:45 AM
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I found that before reading jokes by a few "unnamed individuals" its always best to set it down first.I still get caught off guard though ,last week my space button kept getting stuck from coffee...AND THAT LETTER FROM MOM WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PERSONAL !!!!!!
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  #1076 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 11:35 AM
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CANNON BALLS!!! DID YOU KNOW THIS?



It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon on old war ships. But how to prevent them from rolling about the deck was the problem. The storage method devised was to stack them as a square based pyramid, with one ball on top, resting on four, resting on nine, which rested on sixteen.

Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem -- how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others.

The solution was a metal plate with 16 round indentations, called, for reasons unknown, a Monkey. But if this plate were made of iron, the iron balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make them of brass - hence,Brass Monkeys.

Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled.

Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey.

Thus, it was quite literally, cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. And all this time, folks thought that was just a vulgar expression?
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  #1077 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 12:39 PM
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Thats funny 54,check this guy out... http://videos.streetfire.net/video/F...5-9b5e01454240
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  #1078 (permalink)  
Old 12-08-2009, 01:19 PM
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  #1079 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 12:35 AM
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ? Where do they go?




Wonder no more! -- It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.




If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.




The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:




'Freeze a jolly good fellow'.




Then they kick him in the ice hole.

You really didn't believe that I knew anything at all about penguins, did you?


Dan
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"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1080 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 09:08 AM
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> Sick Leave
>
> I urgently needed a few days off work,
> But I knew the boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that
> maybe if I acted 'CRAZY' then he would tell me to take a few days off.
>
>
> So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker
> (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending
> to be a light bulb, So that the Boss would think I was 'CRAZY'And give me
> a few days off.
>
>
> A few minutes later the Boss came into the office And asked 'What are you
> doing?' I told him I was a light bulb.
>
> He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.
> Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'
> I jumped down and walked out of the office.
>
>
> When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me,
> The Boss asked her
> ..And where do you think you're going?'
>
>
> (You're gonna love this.....)
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> She said,
> 'I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!
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