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  #1081 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 02:41 PM
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The Rev. Al Sharpton held a press conference today to blast Tiger Woods for the lack of diversity among his mistresses. Sharpton claims that the lack of African-American women among Woods’ harem will have a negative affect on the black community, specifically young black girls.

“Why is it that a man who calls himself black can’t bring himself to cheat on his wife with a black woman?” said Sharpton, speaking to a group of supporters in Harlem . “What does it say to young black girls everywhere when you pass them over? Shame on you, Tiger Woods. What would your daddy say?”

Sharpton, who has long championed taking black women as mistresses, said that today’s black athletes need to stop neglecting black women when it comes to extramarital affairs, and should follow the examples of positive black role models such as Jesse Jackson and Martin Luther King, Jr., both of whom cheated on their wives with black women. Sharpton also stressed that cheating with African-American women would help the black community financially by giving black girls the chance to sell their stories to tabloids and gossip magazines.

Added Sharpton, “I’m not asking you to not cheat on your wives, I’m just asking you to give back to your own community.”

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  #1082 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 04:39 PM
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I am confused. This is for jokes and I find myself believing this story....
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  #1083 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 05:35 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dinger
I am confused. This is for jokes and I find myself believing this story....
I know and I might have stretched it a bit - - but I thought it was funny and laughed until I almost caused a Hernia - - - but, truth be known, Al Sharpton is a Joke in himself !
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  #1084 (permalink)  
Old 12-10-2009, 07:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
I know and I might have stretched it a bit - - but I thought it was funny and laughed until I almost caused a Hernia - - - but, truth be known, Al Sharpton is a Joke in himself !
Sharpton is NOT a nice person!! My daughter was working in a nice restaurant while in college and he and his entourage swept in. The bill was near $1K, they, including him, demanded much extra service. They paid the bill ....and the gratuity they paid to the staff - a big fat goose egg. Nada. Nothing. Zilch. Then we have the Tawana Brawley case, then the problems at the PR island, then the Duke lacrosse players just to name a few.
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  #1085 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 10:01 AM
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The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse ALWAYS gets the cheese The speed of light is much faster than sound...thats why some people look bright until they open their mouth....
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  #1086 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 01:02 PM
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Originally Posted by deadbodyman
The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse ALWAYS gets the cheese The speed of light is much faster than sound...thats why some people look bright until they open their mouth....
"He who laughs last, probably didn't get the joke anyhow!"
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  #1087 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 01:21 PM
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Traffic Camera

A man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.
He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth time with the same result.

He did this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past, this time at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.
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  #1088 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 01:37 PM
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hehehe...... Bubba's pregnant sister got in a terrible car accident and was in a coma for six months.When she woke up she noticed she wasn't pregnant any more and got very up set...the doctor said relax the babies are safe and your brother named them,you had a boy and a girl...knowing Bubba was an idiot she asked what the girls name was and the doc said Denise...well... she thought, thats pretty good, I like that name ....Would you like to see her and de nephew?ask the doc
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  #1089 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 02:18 PM
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Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 6, 2009

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 7, 2009

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: October 8, 2009

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: October 9, 2009

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian ******!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing weirdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The ****** from H*ll!!!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: October 10, 2009

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
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  #1090 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 02:36 PM
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A crusty old golfer comes in from a round of golf at a new course and
heads into the grill room. As he passes through the swinging doors he
sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $ 2.00
HAMBURGER: $ 2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $ 2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old
golfer walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive
female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled
golfers. She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.
"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile,
"May I help you?"

The old golfer leans over the bar, "I was wondering,
young lady," he whispers, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs,
"Why, yes, I sure am!"

The old golfer leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well
, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger.
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  #1091 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 03:43 PM
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Same old golfer?

THE "OLD GOLFER "


A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer. Two people show up. One
is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other
is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is
one
ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or
you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who
wants
to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and
the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to
snarl and
pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open
her
coat revealing her beautiful naked body.
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts
licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire
body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the golfer-retiree and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of
there."
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  #1092 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 03:54 PM
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Simba the lion.........

HI,do you all know the difference between Simba the lion and obama(small o on purpose) Simba is an african lion,obama is a lying african !!!!!!!
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  #1093 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 04:25 PM
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cat house....

A little 6 year old boy,named Johnny,,goes to the local cat house,and asks the madam,what can i get for 10 cents,she says come in,takes his 10 cents,pulls down her panties,runs her fingers thru the bush, and sticks her fingers under Johnnys nose,little Johnnie says if thats 10 cents worth, im sure glad i dont have $10.00,,,
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  #1094 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 04:28 PM
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cat house..

its a very hot summer nite at the local cat house,all the customers are up on the roof getting it on,one couple falls off the roof,and splatters on the sidewalk,a drunk goes up and knocks on the cat house door,the madam opens the door,sees the drunk and says youre drunk you cant come in here,drunk says i dont want to come in,I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU YOUR SIGN FELL DOWN.
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  #1095 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 04:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
Company Memo


FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: October 5, 2009

RE: Gala Christmas Party


RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

Joan
I just showed this to my wife, the former HR Director for the company she just left. She used to come home frothing at the mouth about some of those very things - and quite frankly, think that's one of the things that drove her to take early retirement. Too bad you can't hear her giggle
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