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  #1096 (permalink)  
Old 12-11-2009, 05:30 PM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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heard two new ones today !

Did you know that Tiger Woods is changing his name to Cheetah Woods?

The differrence between Santa and Tiger is that Santa only needs 3 Ho's !

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  #1097 (permalink)  
Old 12-12-2009, 04:51 PM
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Not on the top ten but this is my most recent favorite Country Song !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yyuz3jeFw84
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  #1098 (permalink)  
Old 12-13-2009, 10:56 AM
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Just finished reading an article about Tiger Wood's girlfriends and it reminded me of this old joke - - - - -

One time there was a high class well dress young lady standing in the lobby of a ritzzy hotel and the Bellhop came up to her and asked - -
"Do you see that gentleman over there? He wants to know if you will sleep with him for a $5000?"
The lady replied "Why sure I would!"
Then the Bellhop said "What about $5 ?"
and the lady gasped and screamed
"What do you think I am?"
and the Bellhop said
"We have already established that, now we are negotiating the price !"
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  #1099 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2009, 11:26 AM
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There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new
Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.


The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
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  #1100 (permalink)  
Old 12-14-2009, 02:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
heard two new ones today !

Did you know that Tiger Woods is changing his name to Cheetah Woods?
Tiger's really a Lion Cheetah....
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  #1101 (permalink)  
Old 12-15-2009, 06:43 AM
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Whats the difference between a golf ball and an Escalade????.....Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 300 yards
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  #1102 (permalink)  
Old 12-15-2009, 10:23 AM
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George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil
tells them it is for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and
talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the
cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. When she was
finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen
Elizabeth writes him a check. Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks
for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be
no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to
call the USA free. The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the
USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call".
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  #1103 (permalink)  
Old 12-15-2009, 03:56 PM
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Poor East Texas Farm Kid Joins the Army.
(NOW AT BASE BORDEN RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well.. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over inSilver Lake . I only beat him once.. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.Your loving daughter ,Alice
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  #1104 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2009, 09:08 AM
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I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing
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  #1105 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2009, 11:17 AM
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It's the last day before Christmas break of the school year. the
students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to
do.

All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an
early dismissal.....and says to the children: "Whoever answers the
questions, I ask, first and correctly, can leave early today. "

Little Johnny says to himself, "GOOD, I want to get outta here.
I'm smart, and I can answer the questions !"



The teacher asks, "Who said......'Four Score and Seven Years ago'
?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln !"



The teachers says, "That's right Susie, you can go, now, and have a
Merry Christmas."

Of course, Johnny is upset that Susie answered the question first.
But, now, the teacher asks, "Who said 'I have a Dream' ?"



Before Johnny can open blurt out an answer, Mary says, "Martin
Luther King !"

The teacher says "That's right, Mary, you can go, and enjoy your
Christmas Holidays."



Johnny is now, really mad, but the teacher asks, "Who said, 'Ask
not what your country can do for you' ?"

Before Johnny can can a word in, Nancy says. "John F. Kennedy !"



"That's right, Nancy , you may leave also, and have a nice
Christmas."



Now Johnny is just boiling mad, because he has not been able to
answer any of the questions, quick enough. When the teacher turns her back,
Johnny blurts out, "I wish these bwitches would keep their mouths shut!"



The teacher snaps back around to face the class and asks,
"ALRIGHT....NOW WHO SAID THAT ?"







Little Johnny replied, "TIGER WOODS !! Can I go, Now?"
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  #1106 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2009, 01:44 PM
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Only in Texas !

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  #1107 (permalink)  
Old 12-16-2009, 07:47 PM
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5 Rules for a man's happy life

Subject: Five Important rules for a happy life


FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home,
who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you
laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust
and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed
and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women
do not know each other.
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  #1108 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2009, 06:15 AM
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
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  #1109 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2009, 06:49 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
Only in Texas !


Now I see how Al Bore won the peace prize.
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  #1110 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2009, 04:52 PM
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A guy sat down at the bar and ordered a beer.



The bartender filled his mug and slid it down the bar.

While sliding down the bar, the mug hit a blond woman's boobs and splashed all over them...

The bartender went over, retrieved the mug and licked the beer off her boobs.




Each time the guy called for another beer this happened.

After his third beer, the guy decided to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumped up and started to lick them...

She decked him!



He was laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why'd you let the bartender lick your boobs, but not me?'

'Duh,' said the blond, 'He has a licker license!'
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