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  #1111 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2009, 12:28 AM
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Amish Sex Ed

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied, "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up." He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make a mess when they defrost, don't they!"

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  #1112 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2009, 06:48 PM
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The
Worlds Shortest Books


THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE
NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
by
Barack Obama

____________________________________________

OTHER
BLACK PEOPLE I'VE MET WHILE YACHTING
by
Tiger Woods

______________________________________________


THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda & Cindy
Sheehan.
Illustrated by Michael
Moore

________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS &
HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
by
Rev
Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

_______________________________________

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

________________________________
Sequel:
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HILLARY
By Bill Clinton

___________________________________
MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

___________________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
by Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

___________________________________
A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

__________________________________

TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED, BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnel

____________________________________

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson


__________________________________

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY


_______________________________________

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson


_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK & DRIVE SAFELY
by Ted Kennedy

______________________
MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton with introduction
by the Rev. Jesse Jackson


************************************************** *****

AND,
JUST ADDED:


Complete
Knowledge of Military Strategy!
By
Nancy Pelosi
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  #1113 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2009, 06:58 PM
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Short Books

How to Earn Respect, by Sara Palin
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  #1114 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2009, 03:20 AM
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Breast Enhancement by Norma Stitts
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  #1115 (permalink)  
Old 12-19-2009, 10:45 PM
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Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that
he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to
peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
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  #1116 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2009, 08:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ).
LOL @ this part
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  #1117 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2009, 10:15 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing
We English give others the "two fingers", index and middle finger up in a "V"
back of the hand towards the "victim" as opposed to the Churchill victory "V"
palm of hand forward.
The index and middle finger are used to draw the bowstring and it was these two that the French "amputated".
The English showed the French prisoners these fingers in a gesture "we won"
and we can still draw a bow.
There was a time when any type of sport was banned in England, any spare time to be used practising the longbow.
So there were plenty of us experienced in the longbow to screw the French at Agincourt.
The V sign.
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  #1118 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2009, 10:32 AM
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LOL ,I've got an impeckable wiffie.
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  #1119 (permalink)  
Old 12-20-2009, 11:35 AM
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  #1120 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2009, 11:43 AM
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These are from a book called 'Disorder in the American Courts' and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
____________ _________ _________ _______




ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ _______

And the best for last:




ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

THINK ABOUT IT! MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE LAWYERS.....
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  #1121 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2009, 12:23 PM
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If you get an email titled "Naked photo of Hilary Clinton,"

don't open it....







It contains a naked photo of Hilary Clinton.

Last edited by Job~Rated; 12-21-2009 at 03:35 PM.
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  #1122 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2009, 12:27 PM
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You couldn't get away with this today....






Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't Obama's limousine a Cadillac?
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  #1123 (permalink)  
Old 12-21-2009, 03:21 PM
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A 'Heads Up' for those of us men who may be regular Home Depot customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works. Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 3th, 10th, 17th, & 24th. Also December 1st, twice on the 8th, once on the 15th, and very likely this coming weekend.

But the good news is WalMart has wallets on sale for $1. I stocked up and bought 10.
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  #1124 (permalink)  
Old 12-22-2009, 09:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

Don't feel bad, I fell for the same scam a couple dozen times.

Hey guys, I'm going hunting this weekend with Dick Cheney! Ted Kennedy's driving.
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  #1125 (permalink)  
Old 12-22-2009, 05:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fast Eddie D
Hey guys, I'm going hunting this weekend with Dick Cheney! Ted Kennedy's driving.
LMAO - - you need a beneficiary for your life insurance policy
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