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  #1126 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2009, 10:36 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.Now you go and behave
yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?' Joey replies; 'Four months vacation and five good leads.

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  #1127 (permalink)  
Old 12-26-2009, 06:48 PM
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I've just found out I can still have sex at 74!





I'm so happy 'cos I only live at 76, so it's not too far to walk home!
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  #1128 (permalink)  
Old 12-26-2009, 06:50 PM
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A young redneck girl is sat talking to her mum on the night before her wedding.
Her mum says: "I want to talk to you about your wedding night. Your new husband will want to put his most prized possession where you pee!"
The girl turns to her mum & says: "Why would he want to put his truck in the sink?"
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  #1129 (permalink)  
Old 12-27-2009, 12:03 AM
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Two redneck fellas were discussing life and the economy, and one of them decided he would better himself, so he headed to the local community college. The counselor shared his thoughts after some discussion, and felt that this fella needed math, English and logic. "What's logic?" asked the redneck. The counselor replied, "Do you have a weedeater?" "Yes" said the redneck. "Well then, logic would tell me that you have a property. Logic also tells me that you have a house on that property. Since you care enough to maintain that property, logic tells me that you have a wife and family. Since you have a wife, logic tells me that you're a heterosexual." The redneck was amazed, and he rushed home to tell his buddy.

"The counselor told me I need math, English and logic", said the redneck. "What's logic?" asked his buddy. "Do you have a weedeater?" asked the redneck, to which his buddy replied no. "Then you're a queer." said the redneck.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

These four chicks take off on a road trip, one is from Idaho, one from Nebraska, one from Arkansas and one from Mexico.
about an hour into the trip the chick from Idaho reaches in her bag and starts throwing potatoes out the window. The girls look at her like she's crazy and ask what she's doing.
She tells them she has seen potatoes her whole life, never wants to see another and she's never going home. After a bit the girl from Nebraska starts doing the same with corn. Again the rest of the girls ask what she's doing and she tells them she has seen corn her whole life, and never wants to see another ear of corn as long as she lives. Well the Arkansas girl is inspired now, she opens the door and kicks the mexican out.
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  #1130 (permalink)  
Old 12-27-2009, 04:58 AM
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I got sacked from the soup kitchen last night, ungrateful gits.

All I said was "Hurry up for Pete's sake - some of us have got homes to go to!"


*****


Went out to a nightclub Christmas Eve & I gotta say I was dressed to kill...


Beard, sandals, turban, backpack....


*****


A size 18 girl served me in McDonald's the other day. She said: "Sorry for the wait".
I replied: "Don't worry, fatty, you'll lose it eventually..."
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  #1131 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2009, 12:53 PM
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Funny Stuff, Job-Rated

Here's one !

A Texas rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door.
A young boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your Dad home?" the rancher asked.
"No sir, he isn't," the boy replied. "He went into town."
"Well," said the rancher, "Is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'
The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets for Howard."
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  #1132 (permalink)  
Old 12-28-2009, 08:02 PM
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  #1133 (permalink)  
Old 12-29-2009, 08:48 AM
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An old Pilot sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca's, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
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  #1134 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2009, 10:06 AM
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THE YEAR 1909


This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1909..
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some statistics for the Year 1909 :

The average life expectancy was 47 years.

Fuel for this car was sold in drug stores only

Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

There were only 8,000 cars and only 144 miles

Of paved roads.


The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower!

The average wage in 1909 was 22 cents per hour.

The average worker made between $200 and $400 per year ..

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year.

A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births took place at HOME .

Ninety percent of all doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!

Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which

Were condemned in the press AND the government as 'substandard. '

Sugar cost four cents a pound.

Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.

Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used

Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from

Entering into their country for any reason.

Five leading causes of death were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke


The American flag had 45 stars.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was only 30!!!!

Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea Hadn't been invented yet.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and

Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school..




Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, 'Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health'




Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.

There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A.!

Plus one more sad thought; 95 percent of the taxes we have now did not exist in 1909

I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
>From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD - all in a matter of seconds!

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.



IT STAGGERS THE MIND
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  #1135 (permalink)  
Old 12-30-2009, 09:47 PM
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Not to mention there was no welfare.....Everyone wanted to work ...People stayed married...Everyone pulled their own weight...Weve come a long way in a short time......or have we? hymmm...
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  #1136 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2010, 05:19 AM
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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.
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  #1137 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2010, 05:22 AM
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Ford are also introducing the 'Pubic'.

It's made out of old Corsairs....
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  #1138 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2010, 07:36 AM
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It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is.[/QUOTE]
I heard the ones that cant find it get a "citation" .....and those that do, get an "encore"
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  #1139 (permalink)  
Old 01-03-2010, 10:16 AM
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Top Ten Reasons it took Obama 3 Days to Respond to Terror

10. My teleprompter was on vacation last week.

9. Polishing a Nobel Prize takes longer than you think.

8. It was Bush's fault. (Hey, it worked last year.)

7. The waves here in Hawaii are bi+chin' dude.

6. Janet Napolitano said the system worked great, even if ...I couldn't get
email on my Blackberry for a while there.

5. This sort of thing just ain't supposed to happen on my watch.

4. It was Bush's fault.

3. Axelrod never told me I'd have to work holidays.

2. I was busy celebrating Festivus.

And the Number One excuse Obama can give for taking so long to respond to the
attempted attack on Northwest Flight 253:

1. I was busy looking for my birth certificate.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
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  #1140 (permalink)  
Old 01-04-2010, 09:25 AM
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My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365..

Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the Dr. once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her. She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy S@#*, my dog is a democrat!




Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

Another Tiger Woods funny. Made me chuckle!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nu6JcSOvtUY
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Last edited by dinger; 01-04-2010 at 09:30 AM.
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