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  #1156 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 09:36 AM
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I think it's the same in every city all over the world. It certainly sounds like mine...

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  #1157 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 10:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
It is a state requirement in the northwest stating that if you are unable to operate and automobile due to age, vision or other problems you must get on the road when it snows or the streets are iced. It is the only thing that can explain the idiots and how they drive here.
You aint seen nothing till you've drivin in Ga. ...these guys turn into "instant idiots" as soon as they get wet ...They cant even drive when it rains out, but thats when they all come out of the woodwork...at least up north we know hitting the brakes dont help and and if you cant see dont get so close to the guy in front of you so read where he bought his car from..HE CANT SEE EITHER!!!!And that little stick thing is called a BLINKER.....What a bunch of morons....
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  #1158 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 10:40 AM
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The Power Of A Badge

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas. Talks to an old rancher, Sir, we need to check you property fo illegally grown drugs. Old rancher says, sure, but don't go in that field over there, pointing to a fenced in area.
The DEA officer verbally explodes on him. Let me tell you one thing, I have power of the federal goverment behind me. He reaches in his back pocket, pulls out his badge, you see this badge, with this I can go anywhere, anytime, and check any area I dam well please. Do I make myself fully understood.
The old rancher says, YES SIR, apologizes and goes back to his chores.
A short while later, the old rancher hears the DEA officer screaming at the top of his lungs, being chased by his biggest bull. With every step the bull is gaining on him. It looked as though the bull would gore him before he got to the fence.
The old rancher throws his tools down and runs toward the fence and at the top of his lungs yells,"Your badge, show him you badge"!!!!!!!!!
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  #1159 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 11:24 AM
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DAM, caught me off guard there. Almost got the screen...
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  #1160 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 05:41 PM
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Did you hear about the queer magician? He vanished in a poof..............
Two condoms walking past a gay bar, one asks the other, "Do you want to go in and get chitfaced?"....................................... .................
What did One gay sperm say to another? How do we find an egg in all of this chit? .................................................. .................................
What do you say to a lesbian with no arms and no legs? Nice teets Beech.
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  #1161 (permalink)  
Old 01-06-2010, 07:22 PM
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A Texas State Trooper was patroling late at night,off the main highway.
He noticed a car parked down a side road with the interior light glowing.
He carefully approaches the car and sees a young man in the front seat reading a computer magazine.
Then he notices a young woman in the back seat filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this, he turns on his flashlight and taps on the window.
The young man rolls down the window and says "Hello Officer" !

The Trooper asks "What are you doing?"

The young man replies "I am reading a computer magazine, Sir."

Then the Trooper says "and what is she doing in the back seat?"

"She is filing her fingernails, Officer!" the young man replied!

Still puzzled by all of this the Trooper says "How old are you?"

The young man replies "22 Sir !"

"and how old is the young lady?" says the Trooper!

The young man smiles and says "She will be 18 in exactly 11 minutes, Sir !"
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  #1162 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2010, 07:47 AM
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Obituary from an English Newspaper:


Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain
- Why the early bird gets the worm
- Life isn't always fair
- Maybe it was my fault

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to adm!nister sun lotion or an aspirin to a student, but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, 'Truth' and 'Trust', by his wife, 'Discretion', by his daughter, 'Responsibility' and by his sons, 'Reason' & 'Tact'.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers: 'I Know My Rights', 'I Want It Now', 'Someone Else Is To Blame' and 'I'm A Victim'.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.
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  #1163 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2010, 10:32 AM
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Fact of life....

After Monday and Tuesday
even the calendar says W T F.
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  #1164 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2010, 02:30 PM
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Some men just don't realize what it means to come home to someone who is affectionate, someone who is caring and understanding and someone who has a warm supper on the table. However, I do know what that means. It means I'm in the wrong house again !
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  #1165 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2010, 09:41 PM
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Golf Joke

Two gay guys were playing golf named Frankie & Johnny. From the hole behind them, a group of big, rowdy, drunk jocks were driving balls right over their heads. When a ball narrowly missed Frankie's head. Johnny hollers out,"You SOB's better watch what ya'll doing, ya'll almost hit my friend Frankie. Another big jock drives a ball and nearly hits him again. Johnny says, "Lay down Frankie, make like you're hurt, we gonna fix these SOB's. Johnny hollers out, "That's it, ya'll done hurt my friend Frankie, we gonna sue ya'll SOB's for everthing ya'll worth. One of the jocks yell back, "Man, Blow Me, were trying to play golf here. To which Johnny replied, " Get up Frankie, I think they wanna settle out of court."
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  #1166 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 07:18 AM
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Some people just don't know what it means to have a few bucks in their pockets......I do... it means I got somebody else's pants on.
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  #1167 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 07:28 AM
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This is what happend at Tiger Woods house

CarolBurnettShow-WrongNumber.wmv I18N YGP.SaveAll I18N YGP.SaveProgress I18N YGP.ViewAfterSave
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  #1168 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 08:30 AM
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didn't work

Hey DBM, Whatever that was, it didn't work.olnolan
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  #1169 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 08:45 AM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gqQYuipF7U OOps,here you go
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  #1170 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 09:00 AM
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Lmao

Forgot just how funny that show was. Good thing Tigers wife was only armed with a 9 iron.
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