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  #1171 (permalink)  
Old 01-08-2010, 10:32 AM
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Blonde Ice Fishing
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake. After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?'' The voice answered, ''NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''

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  #1172 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2010, 06:10 PM
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DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shovelled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplough came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow... Such a disappointment! My neighbour tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbour.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shovelling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplough came back this afternoon and buried everything again.. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shovelling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my arse on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the %#$&# stuff last night. More shovelling! Took all day. The damn snowplough came by twice. Tried to find a neighbour kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plough on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the aarsehole is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches - Snow packed so hard by snowplough, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a beech who drives that snow plough, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplough.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight - Snowed in. The idea of shovelling makes my blood boil.. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplough driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The ***** is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plough driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ***. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house.. No more shovelling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
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  #1173 (permalink)  
Old 01-10-2010, 07:32 PM
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Whetchet Whachit

W.R., You gotta start doing a warning, spit my beer on the screen. olnolan
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  #1174 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2010, 03:55 AM
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Found this on another site...........................


USA - Three Reported Missing After Animal Rights Activists Take "War on Leather" to Motorcycle Gang Rally.

Johnstown, PA: Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists going missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials.

"Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer. "Motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... Ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water (simulating blood) and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene' and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket. And, he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know is he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day and not left me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said one high ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.
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  #1175 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2010, 05:59 AM
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Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says,
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,
"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "
"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees...


Ees...




Ees...




Ees...




Ees a ham bush...."



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  #1176 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2010, 09:29 AM
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.
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  #1177 (permalink)  
Old 01-11-2010, 02:00 PM
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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have.

'I'd like to be twelve again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her to a theme park.
What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Corkscrew, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn, a huge Cola and her favourite candy......M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked,
'Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
'I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!'
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  #1178 (permalink)  
Old 01-12-2010, 07:25 AM
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The Economy is so bad…

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail today.

When I ordered a hamburger at McDonalds, the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

That CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check for insufficient funds, you have to call them to ask if they meant you or them.

That Match Box and Hot Wheel stocks are trading higher than GM stocks.

That a truckload of Americans were caught sneaking into Mexico.

That Dick Chaney took his stockbroker hunting.

That Motel 6 won’t leave the lights on any more.

That Exxon Mobil has had to layoff 25 Congressmen.
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  #1179 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:16 AM
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Oldie But Goodie

Three nuns having afternoon tea. First Nun says, Guess what I found in Father Joes dresser drawer,Condoms. Second Nun says, Oh don't worry I found those a week ago, but I fixed him, I cut holes in all of them. The third Nun fainted.
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  #1180 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:19 AM
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The Dirtiest Joke I Know

OK, Ya'll ready. A white horse fell in a mud puddle.
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  #1181 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2010, 11:32 AM
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Bingo Card

Husband started to worry when his wife started getting an obsession with going out to play Bingo. First just on Wednesday night, then Wed. and Friday. On a Friday she announced she was going to take a bath and go play Bingo with the girls. He noticed she had taken out a red dress and high heels, so he volunteered to draw her bath water. When she got into the tub, she questioned why he had only put a half inch of water in the tub. His reply, " Oh, I didn't want you to get your Bingo Card wet."
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  #1182 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2010, 04:31 PM
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They recently surveyed 100 Blonde waitresses and asked each of them "Would you consider having sex with Tiger Woods"??

Surprisingly 89 of them said "Never again"
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  #1183 (permalink)  
Old 01-13-2010, 07:15 PM
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What's the worst thing your wife could say during sex?




"Honey, I'm home!"








Or maybe "You're smaller than your brother...."
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  #1184 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2010, 06:03 AM
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Subject: UPS Planes
Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one...a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics..
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
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  #1185 (permalink)  
Old 01-14-2010, 08:45 AM
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One Bitterly Cold Winter's Day !
a Police Patrolman came across a
Motorcyclist, who was swathed in
protective clothing and helmet,
stalled by the Roadside !

"What's the matter?" asked the Patroman
"Carburetor's Frozen !" was the shivering reply

"Pee on it and that will thaw it out" said the Cop
"I can't !" replied the Motorcyclist

The Patrolman said "There's nothing to it, here I'll show you"

Then the Police Officer proceeded to lubricate and warm the
Carburetor, as promised and the Bike started right up !

The Motorcyclist drove away waving and very happy !

A few days later the Police Officer received a note of thanks
from the Father of the stranded Motorcyclist.

The Note Began:
"On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded - - - "
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