O.K. Now for a blond joke or three...
A dumb blond, a smart blond, Santa Clause, and the tooth fairy are all standing on a street corner. A $100 bill blows by. Who picks it up?
The dumb blond. The other 3 don't exist.
What's the mating call of a blond?
I think I'm drunk.
What's the mating call of a brunette?
Is that drunk blond gone yet?
How does a blond turn on the light in the morning?
She opens the car door...
In a while, Chet.
What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A Golden Retriever.
Why was the blonde upset when she passed her driving test?
'Cos she got an 'F' in sex.
Why do blondes have more fun?
'Cos they're easier to entertain.
I eat my peas with honey
I've done it all my life
It makes my peas taste funny
But it sticks them to my knife
Talking with Jesus,
Many times, when I am troubled or confused, I find comfort
in sitting in my backyard and having a vodka and cranberry
along with a quiet conversation with Jesus.
This happened to me yesterday after a particularly difficult day.
I said "Jesus, why do I work so hard?"
And I heard the reply: "Men find many ways to demonstrate
the love they have for their family. You work hard to have a
peaceful, beautiful place for your friends and family to gather."
I said: "I thought that money was the root of all evil."
And the reply was: "No, the LOVE of money is the root
of all evil. Money is a tool; it can be used for good or bad."
I was starting to feel better, but I still had that one burning
question, so I asked it. "Jesus," I said, "what is the meaning
of life? Why am I here? "
He replied: "That is a question many men ask.
The answer is in your heart and is different for everyone.
I would love to chat with you some more, Senor,
but for now,
I have to finish your lawn."
A bunch of Texas cowboys went deer hunting
and paired off in twos for the day. That night,
one of the hunters returned alone, staggering
under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Billy Bob?" the others asked..
"Billy Bob had a stroke of some kind.
He's a lying dead a couple of miles back up the trail,"
the successful hunter replied."
You left Billy Bob laying out there and
carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Billy Bob!"
One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face.
Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word.
Finally, one day she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead found the words:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
1977 vs 2007
Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1977 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.
2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.
Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.
1977 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.
Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.
1977 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.
Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .
1977 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.
2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.
1977 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.
2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.
1977 - Ants die.
2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.
1977 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched
in horror as her ball headed directly toward a
foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped
his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground
and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman
rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
'Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow
me,'she told him.
'Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony lying in the fetal position,
still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her
persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She
administered tender and artful massage for several
long moments then asked.... 'How does that feel?'
He replied, ' it feels great, but my thumb still hurts'.
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start it up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying.
6. Then hit this link.
In a while, Chet.
Lawyer Vs. Wisconsin Farmer...
A big city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Wisconsin. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Wisconsin. We settle small disagreements like this with the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Wisconsin Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that the could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck"
In a while, Chet.
This was fun:
Seems we're going a little PG here. I'm gonna chance it with this one...
A guy goes up north to work in an isolated community where there are no women. At night he heads to the hotel and grabs a beer at the bar.
An older fellow beside him says, "You're new here eh? Well you know there's no women for miles here so I'll let you know what to do when you get the urge. Just down the road there's a goat farm. You go there at night, put a goat's rear legs in your rubber boots and its front legs over your shoulders and you do it."
"Thanks" says the guy, a little bewildered, and he walks over to the pool table area.
One of the players notices him and says, "I've never seen you around before. You must be new. There aren't any women in this town so I'll tell you what you do if you're ever in the mood. Down the road there's a goat farm. Go there at night, put the goat's hind legs in your rubber boots and its front legs over the fence and you go for it."
The guy says to the player, "I thought you were supposed to put the front legs over your shoulders."
The player responds in disgust, " Well yeah...if you're into kissing."
"You indbred bastard! You almost made me spill my beer.." PRICELESS!!!!!
If that isn't the funniest posting in this thread, I don't know what it...
In a while, Chet.
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the firelight.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
A cowboy was riding in the countryside when he came upon a horse and a native with his ear on the trail.
The native said, "A chuckwagon. Two men, one with a beard. Two horses, a white one and a red one.
The cowboy, amazed, asks the native, "You mean you can tell all that by listening to the ground?"
Native replies,"No, they run over my head half hour ago."
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?"
"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"
"That's my business! Get me the course!"
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?"
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less lawyer . . ."
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