Subject: Jellyfish day
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103..2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool.So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature..It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.
What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. With in a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
Needless to say I aborted the dive.. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber..
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.
Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'
Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!
Pass this on to all your friends , just in case they're having a bad day!!!
Three skidrow bums were laying up on a sidewalk drinking 40's out of a bag. Across the street sat two beautiful Cadillacs, one gold, the other silver. First bum who was looking at the gold Cad say's, If I could have anything in the whole wide world I'd like to be covered in gold. The second bum say's, Naw man, if I could have anything in the whole wide world I'd like to be covered in silver. Third bum says, Naw ya'll, if it was me I'd like to be covered in HAIRS. The other two looked at him like he was crazy, then he say's, Well my sister just got a lil patch of hairs about dis big and she owns both dem Cadillacs over there.
The Senior Citizen Road Trip !
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn ' t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated she became. He just wouldn ' t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you ' re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card".
(This coming week is National Senior Mental Health Week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable Senior to show you care. There, my job is done!)
Female Police Officer
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you..."
The drunk says: "stits."
A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jaguar XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911. In less than five minutes, a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Jag , which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you high rollin' lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "OH MY GOD," screamed the lawyer, "My Rolex!!!!"
Dandy Don Meridith on the Dallas Cowboys performance today !
Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Friday, Janurary 29, 2010
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for202 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for=2 02 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
ALARMING NOTICE ABOUT BEER
This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, April 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women ..
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:-
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive..
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light!
TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10.... Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 . Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23..They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three
thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson..
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
Some old men can still think fast.
I just spent $25 on Tiger Wood's DVD "My Favorite 18 Holes". Had a chance to watch it today and the whole dang thing is about golf. Save your money!!!!!!!!!
Two policemen are in a patrol car:
- Could you check if the directionals work on your side of the car?
The other policeman looks through the window and says:
- Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no, yes, no...
There...I fixed it!
Life really boils down to 2 questions...
1. Should I get a dog.....?
2. Should I have children?
No matter what situations life throws at you...
No matter how long and treacherous your journey may seem..
Always remember there is a light at the end of the tunnel....
Thanks man that was great ...I needed a good laugh..
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