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  #1201 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 07:24 AM
wretched ratchet's Avatar
one full turn after it squeeks
 
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LMAO - - - took me a while on that toothbrush - - - tooooo funny

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  #1202 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 08:54 AM
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Cops?????

On a narrow mountain road a man sees a police car driving uphill backwards.
- Hi guys. Why are you driving backwards?
- Because we are not sure that we will find a place to make a u-turn on the top of the mountain.
After one hour the same man sees the same police car driving downhill backwards again.
- But guys, why are you driving backwards again?
- We found a place to make a u-turn up there.
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  #1203 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:19 PM
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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside and said, 'I don't like the look of your wife at all.'
'Me neither, doc,' said the husband.
'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
-----------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
-----------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says and hangs up.
-----------------------------------
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell..'
-----------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one....'
He's still recovering...
-----------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well son, you must have got it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine!!'
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  #1204 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:31 PM
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Politically Incorrect For Some

If this upsets some of you, oh well, that's life

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER
This one is a little different.... Two Different Versions................. Two Different Morals


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away..

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

MODERN VERSION


The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

President Obama condemns the ant and blames President Bush, President Reagan, Christopher Columbus, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood.

The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've posted this because I believe that most of you are ants & not grasshoppers! Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it, anyway.
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  #1205 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
LMAO - - - took me a while on that toothbrush - - - tooooo funny
HAHAHA....Was that a toothbrush???????? I thought it was a hotroded vibrator. I guess it would work for the wiffies tooth too.
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  #1206 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 12:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irelands child
If this upsets some of you, oh well,

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.
Looks like thet're finally waking up in Taxichewtits....
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  #1207 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 01:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
Looks like thet're finally waking up in Taxichewtits....
....after 40+ years of Swim-For-Your-Life Teddy, a relief and a wake up call

Dave W
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  #1208 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 02:11 PM
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At All Saints Lutheran Church in Minneapolis, Minnesota, they have a weekly husband's marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Pastor asked Ole Westrum, who was approaching his 50 th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
" Vell, " Ole replied to the assembled husbands, " I've tried to treat her nice, spend da money on her, but best of all, I took her to Norvay for da 20th anniversary! "
The Pastor responded, " Ole, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your 50TH anniversary. "
Ole proudly replied, " I'm a-gonna go get her. "
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  #1209 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 02:59 PM
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Yep

IRELANDS CHILD, YEP. DAVE DUBYA FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!!!!!!
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  #1210 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 03:23 PM
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*****/vibrator/toothbrush

WHOA, I'd take a real woman to handle that thing! Reminded me of a joke;

Lady walked in to a Sex Aid store. Told the clerk she was looking for a new Vibrator, her old one wasn't cutting it anymore. Clerk says, we got this Super here 2" X 8" 1-speed just $19.95. Lady says naw, what else you got? Clerk says, well we got the Hi-Ho Silver model here 3" X 12" 2-speed just $34.95. Lady says, naw, how about that checkered one up there on the shelf? Clerk looks at the shelf and says, yes mam, thats our Super Size Bad Mam-Ma Jam-ya, on special today for only $49.95. Lady says, I'll take it.

Later that day the store owner calls in to see how business is going. Clerk says, Pretty steady all day, met my sales quota already and would you believe some crazy lady bought my thermos bottle today for $49.95.
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  #1211 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 04:36 PM
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you don't laugh out loud at this, you're just not trying!!

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a
friend
over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him? 'That's easy; he's a dwarf
with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male
or female horse.

'A female horth..'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once
over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks
him
up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and
rams
the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on
the
ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdlebit?'
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  #1212 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 04:48 PM
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I'm glad I set my dink drown.
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  #1213 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2010, 05:02 PM
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You're learnin'....
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  #1214 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 08:43 AM
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Never piss off a woman

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your back side!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'Maggie', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!! !
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  #1215 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 08:45 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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I bought my Wiffy a treadmill - - - - not because I want her to lose weight - - - I would just like to hear her breath hard again
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