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  #1216 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 08:54 AM
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You guys are killin me... Thanks ,now I can start my day (in the rain)

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  #1217 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 09:56 AM
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I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom."
I can barely walk, but whenever I pass gas the room smells lovely
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  #1218 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 10:18 AM
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hehe ,wratch beat ya to that one ,54
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  #1219 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 11:03 AM
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Oops I missed
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  #1220 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 11:05 AM
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Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive an Economic Stimulus payment. This is a very exciting program. I'll explain it using the Q and A format:


Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .

* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer, or
5 tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US ..)

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
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  #1221 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 11:40 AM
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A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot replies, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports,physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down . . ."

"WELL???" demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a woodie and fell
off my perch!

Last edited by deadbodyman; 01-21-2010 at 11:47 AM.
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  #1222 (permalink)  
Old 01-21-2010, 05:16 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the Acting CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Acting CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important Document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Acting CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.
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  #1223 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 05:03 AM
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Warning!!!! Warning!!!!!

SET YOUR COFFEE DOWN!!!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zGM3-WiEZco now have a great day...
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  #1224 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 05:42 AM
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Warning!!!! Warning!!!!!

I just couldnt help thinking about Randy "New Interiors" when I saw this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-Lnfpulwjc
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  #1225 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 05:49 AM
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OK , One more ,I gotta get to work. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_b2xIEfj2Y
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  #1226 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 07:03 AM
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk we have a knock down drag out fight and both of us end up with bruises and blackeyes!."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that.. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and, just like you said, nothing happened!"

Doctor: "See what happens when you keep your mouth shut ?"
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  #1227 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 08:58 AM
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  #1228 (permalink)  
Old 01-22-2010, 09:16 AM
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A guy comes home from work, plops down on the couch, turns on the TV and yells to his wife, "Hey, bring me a beer, quick, before it starts.

She brings him his beer and he chugs it down. He yells to her again, "Hey, hurry up and bring me another beer before it starts!

She brings him another beer and he drinks it down and again yells to his wife, "Hey, I need another beer! Hurry up, before it starts!!!!!!!

She walks in the room with yet another beer in hand and ask him, "Why are you drinking so much beer?"

He replies, "Oh s**t! It started.
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  #1229 (permalink)  
Old 01-25-2010, 06:19 PM
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Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
'Hello?'
'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?
No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.
Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,Right now.
Brief Pause.
Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.
Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
I did it, Daddy.
And what happened, honey?
Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!
Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?
He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
Swimming pool???????
Is this 486-5731?????
No, I think you have the wrong number!
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  #1230 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2010, 04:07 AM
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Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?






Answer:
A crazy b|tch who WILL find you!
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