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  #1231 (permalink)  
Old 01-26-2010, 06:21 PM
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Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

“What is your name?” – asked the teacher.

“Mohammed”. . .. – answered the kid.

“You are in America now. From now on your name will be Jeffery,” – replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.

How was your day, Mohammed? – asked his mother.

“My name is not Mohammed. I’m in America and now my name is Jeffery.”

Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage,
your religion?

Shame on you!” – and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.

When the teacher saw him covered with bruises she asked, “What happened to you little Jeffery"?

“Well ma'am, 20 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two f'ing Arabs.”

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  #1232 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2010, 08:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Job~Rated
Question:
What do you get when you mix PMS with GPS?






Answer:
A crazy b|tch who WILL find you!

I think I was married to her
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  #1233 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2010, 09:43 PM
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Hey blue54

I sure do like that '54 you got. Whats in got in it? Looks like It'll fry the tires in your avatar. olnolan
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  #1234 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2010, 07:17 AM
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Last Night's State of the Union made me realize something !
Is that amazing or what???

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  #1235 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2010, 07:25 AM
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HAHAHA ,they both have someones hand up their who who too. bobble heads. hehehe
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  #1236 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2010, 10:02 AM
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NINE WORDS WOMEN USE

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.


* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.


* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!
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  #1237 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2010, 10:53 AM
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I
suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really
loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,


and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



...and how was your day?
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  #1238 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 04:05 AM
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Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.
He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis.'
The other one replies, 'It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'
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  #1239 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 05:55 AM
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  #1240 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 09:44 AM
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Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.

"What ' s the matter?" Jack asked.

"I ' ve been transferred to Detroit , there ' s crazy people there. They ' ve got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate in the nation."

Jack replied, "I ' ve lived in Detroit all my life. It ' s not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It ' s as safe a place as anywhere in the world."

The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you. I ' ve been worried to death. But if you live there and say it ' s OK, I ' ll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?"

"I ' m a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."
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  #1241 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 01:54 PM
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Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.


It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!


Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.


After that,the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term

'Ship High In Transit'

on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.


Thus evolved the term 'S.H.I.T', (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.
Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
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  #1242 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 01:57 PM
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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.' Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs.. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.'

'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.
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  #1243 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 03:19 PM
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SWEET TEA HAS ITS ADVANTAGES

A lady enters her doctor's office, all beaten black and blue.
"What happened?" asked her startled physician.

"I just don't know what to do, Doc. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he beats me to a pulp!"

"Well I've got a real good medicine for that," answered the doctor. "Whenever your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle. That's all you need to do, just keep gargling."

About three weeks later, the lady returns to the physician's office looking bright and fresh and reborn.

"Doc, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I immediately began gargling with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!"

"There now," soothed the doctor, "you see how keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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  #1244 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 06:27 PM
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Look Bad But Feel Good

Leroy goes to town and runs into different folks who tell him he looks bad. He says, But I feel good. Every one he meets tells him he looks bad. Although he felt good, he decided while in town just as soon go to the old town Doctor and get checked. Old Dr. says what the problem today Mr. Leroy. He says I don't know Doc, everybody tells me I look bad but I feel good. Old Dr. gives him a full check out and can't find a thing wrong. Old Dr. says well I just don't know whats wrong, guess I'm gonna have to pull out my medical books on this one. Lets see, "Look good, feel good" no that ain't it. "Look good, feel bad" no that ain't it. "Feel bad, look good" no that ain't it. "Feel good, look good", no that ain't it. "Look bad, feel good" a-haa, thats it, Mr. Leroy according to my medical book you are a vagina.
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  #1245 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2010, 09:49 PM
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D-I-V-O-R-C-E

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant

when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their

table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll

see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the h*ll was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."




"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering
in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in
the garage. And no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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