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  #1246 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 12:04 AM
pigjamelectric's Avatar
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  #1247 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 03:58 AM
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Barak Obama and Gordon Brown are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.

They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.

"What will the USA be like in 100 years time"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out "The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent, there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries"

Gordon thinks "Its not bad this time machine, I'll have a bit of that" so he asks "What will Great Britain be like in 100 years time?"

The machine whirrs and beeps and goes into action and he gets a printout. But he's just staring at it.

"Come on Gordon" says Barak, "What does it say?"

Gordon replies, "Buggered if I know. It's all in Arabic!"
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  #1248 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 09:01 AM
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without
water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last
breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand
several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks
to be an old briefcase.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a
dull gray dress...

There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one
ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....'you know how I work....you have
three wishes.'

'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy... 'I'm not going to trust a
FEMA genie.'

'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation and it looks like
you're a goner anyway!'

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is
right.

'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.

And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'

'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

***POOF***

The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold
coins and precious gems.

'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

After carefully thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... 'I wish that
no matter where I go, young beautiful women will want and need me.'

***POOF***

He was turned into a tampon.

Moral of the story:

If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
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  #1249 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 09:35 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A Redneck Love Poem !

Susie Lee done fell in love
She planned to marry Joe
She was so happy 'bout it all
She told her Pappy so

Pappy told her Susie gal
You'll have to find another
Just as soon 'yo Ma don't know
But Joe is 'yo half brother

So Susie put aside her Joe
And planned to marry Will
But after telling Pappy this
He said "there's trouble still"

You can't marry Will my gal
And please don't tell 'yo Mother
But Will and Joe and several 'mo
I know is 'yo half brother

But Mama knew and said, "my Child
Just do what makes you happy
Marry Will or marry Joe
You ain't no kin to Pappy"

(sniff sniff, kinda brings a tear to 'yo eye don't it?"
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  #1250 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 02:07 PM
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I Like It

I like that W.R., they should make it a song. OK, what do redneck girls say after sex? Roll off Uncle JoeBob, you're squashing my Marlboro's.
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  #1251 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2010, 03:32 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A short guy is sitting at a bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him,He grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, ' What ' cha gonna do about it?" The poor little guy starts crying."Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn ' t think you ' d CRY. I can ' t stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. I can ' t do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen, and I don ' t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home." He continues, crying even harder."Then I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So, I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink my dang poison."
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  #1252 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 06:56 AM
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PIERRE & MARIE

Pierre & Marie lived way down the bayou on a houseboat. One day Pierre gets in his bateau and starts paddling away. Marie calls from the houseboat, Where you going Pierre? He says, I'm leaving and I ain't coming back. Marie says but Pierre what about the kids? He says, I don't know, give em up for adoption or whatever you want, I just don't care no more, I'm leaving and I ain't ever coming back. But, Pierre what about the houseboat? Sink that POS, I've had it, I'm leaving and I ain't looking back. Marie says, But Pierre what about Dis? When he looks back, she lifts her dress up to her chin, revealing her gorgeous body. With that, Pierre turns the bateau back toward the houseboat and slowly paddles back muttering, Someday I'm gonna leave, you Beach!
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  #1253 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 08:58 AM
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A man is watching football on TV. He flicks through the other channels at half-time and finds a porn film with a couple enjoying really good sex.

He says to his wife " I don't know whether to watch this or the game".

She says "For god's sake watch this..........you already know how to play football...."
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  #1254 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 10:19 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner intheir honor.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ..... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you...' 'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary!
I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.' 'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?' 'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.
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  #1255 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 12:18 PM
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> A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So
> he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.' Soon a local redneck
> pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
> >
> > The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly
> he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said,
> 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
> >
> > A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for
> another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again
> asked him to guess the correct number.
> >
> > The redneck guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, Sorry, it was 3.
> You were close, but no free sex this time.'
> >
> > As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, 'I think that
> game is rigged and he don't really give away free sex.'
> >
> >Bubba replied, 'No It ain't rigged. My wife won twice last week.'
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  #1256 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 12:20 PM
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> Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
>
> Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats
> quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to
> think irrationally???
>
>
> *Ever wonder why? *
>
>
> *It's because she smells like a new Truck.*
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  #1257 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2010, 02:27 PM
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Two friends were out walking home from the bar one night.
"Shoot," said the first guy, "as soon as I get home, I'm
gonna rip the wife's nylons off!"

"What's the rush?" his friend asked.

"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the first
guy replied.
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  #1258 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2010, 03:55 PM
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye..
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'


Don't Mess with Old People!!
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  #1259 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2010, 06:35 PM
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Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother.'
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  #1260 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2010, 11:02 AM
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The Female Genie...

While trying to escape through Pakistan , Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog!
Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning.
So just do it and be off with you.
" The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.
His willie was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
God is good.
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