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  #1261 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2010, 08:53 PM
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A bit of Military Humor.

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS
'If the enemy is in range, so are you..'

- Infantry Journal-

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'

- US.Air Force Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword, obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'

- General MacArthur -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.'

- Infantry Sgt.-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Tracers work both ways.'

- Army Ordnance Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'

- Infantry Journal -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three most useless things in aviation are: Fuel in the bowser; Runway behind you; and Air above you.

-Basic Flight Training Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

- Naval Ops Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'

- Unknown Infantry Recruit-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up to him.'

- Infantry Journal-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'

- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'

-Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

-Unknown Author-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

- Fixed Wing Pilot-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

-Multi-Engine Training Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'

-Unknown Author-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'If you hear me yell;"Eject, Eject, Eject!", the last two will be echos.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'

-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'

-Sign over Control Tower Door-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Never trade luck for skill.'

-Author Unknown-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:'Did you feel that?' 'What's that noise?' and'Oh S...!'

-Authors Unknown-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'

-Basic Flight Training Manual-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

- Emergency Checklist-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot) -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'

- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks,'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

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  #1262 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2010, 09:32 PM
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Haa Haa Har,cough, Spit

I don't care who you are, thats funnier than hell. olnolan
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  #1263 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2010, 10:29 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OLNOLAN
I don't care who you are, thats funnier than hell. olnolan
Yeah, what he said
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  #1264 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2010, 07:27 AM
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If you haven't been in the service, those are funny. If you have been, they are rules to keep yourself alive - but are still funny.

Dave W .
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  #1265 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2010, 04:23 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?' 'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.'
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  #1266 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 10:25 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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In honor of the Saint's first EVER trip to the Super Bowl !
You know you're from Louisiana when...
Your sunglasses fog up when you step outside, even in December.
You reinforce your attic to store Mardi Gras beads
You don ' t look twice when you see pink flamingos in yards of nice subdivisions during Mardi Gras.
You save newspapers, not for recycling but for tablecloths at crawfish boils.
Your ancestors are buried above the ground .
You drink Community Coffee, have tried Starbucks, but don ' t see what all the fuss is about. (YEAH!!!)
You take a bite of five-alarm chili and reach for the Tabasco .
Every once in a while, you have waterfront property .
You sit down to eat boiled crawfish and your host says, ' Don ' t eat the dead ones, ' and you know what he means.
You don ' t learn until high school that Mardi Gras is not a national holiday.
You push little old ladies out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads.
Little old ladies push YOU out of the way to catch Mardi Gras beads .
You believe that purple, green , and gold look good together.
Your last name isn ' t pronounced the way it ' s spelled.
You know what a nutria is but you still pick it to represent your baseball team.
Your town is low on the education chart, high on the obesity chart and you don ' t care because you ' re No. 1 on the party chart.
Your house payment is less than your utility bill.
You know that Tchoupitoulas is a street and not a disease.
Your grandparents are called 'Mam-Maw ' and 'Paw-Paw. '
Your Santa Claus rides an alligator and your favorite Saint is a football player.
You cringe every time you hear an actor with a Southern or Cajun accent in a ' New Orleans-based ' movie or TV show.
You have to reset your clocks after every thunderstorm.
You ' re walking in the French Quarter with a plastic cup of beer.
When it starts to rain, you cover your beer instead of your head.
You ' ve eaten at one or more of these restaurants, AND know how to pronounce them: Prejeans, Tu Jac ' s, Gallatoire ' s, Ralph & Kacoo ' s, Brunet ' s, or Mulatte ' s.
You eat dinner out and spend the entire meal talking about all the other good places you ' ve eaten.
You call home just to find out what your momma ' nem are having for supper tonight.

However, after saying all of this "GO COLTS", WR
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  #1267 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 10:38 AM
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Haa Haa

Whooo Dat!
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  #1268 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 11:30 AM
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ANDY ROONEY ON SEX ~ AND HE'S RIGHT ON ~

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good
memory.... I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature' s way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't'
and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on
earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner,
you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with
the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men
still sleep with their wives!
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  #1269 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 11:42 AM
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There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night!
I finally had to let her out.

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says,"Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the
airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds
out, she'll kill me!

What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love?
"Honey, I'm home!"

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief
spends less than my wife did.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only
this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still
confused.. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed,
I feel hungry.

The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so
the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs... Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor: "See! What did
I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do
I stand?" The doctor answers "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here
for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work
he's out of.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese
food so much. The study revealed that this is due
to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In
Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it
graduates from medical school.

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?" "Not too good,"
said the mother. "I've been very weak." The son said, "Why
are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son
said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food
if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in
the play. She asks, "What part is it? The boy says, "I play
the part of the Jewish husband." The mother scowls and says, "Go back and
tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Did you hear about t he bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days. "Force yourself," she replied.
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  #1270 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 02:24 PM
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*WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE*

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul,
Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind
Their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the
women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
Seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to
change?'

The woman looked Ms.Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation
Said, *'Land Mines.'*
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  #1271 (permalink)  
Old 02-05-2010, 04:36 PM
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SNL does Peyton Manning - - poor quality Video but funnier than poop !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYwFYKmX6ls
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  #1272 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2010, 08:17 AM
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  #1273 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2010, 12:48 PM
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  #1274 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2010, 04:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by malc
Has to steep down hill or the ramp isn't nessessary.
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  #1275 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2010, 09:44 AM
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A New Orleans man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,
a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like
this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife,
but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together
since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -
a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
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