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  #1291 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2010, 07:02 AM
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OK, If Dom Perignon Isnt a mafia boss ,Who the heck is he anyway?.............There once was a man who had a wife that was as just as ugly as she was dumb....she was sooo dumb she had to repete her instructions over and over so she wouldn't forget...for instance ,he was up on a ladder one day, fixing the roof and needed a hammer so he asked her to get it for him,she left saying, get the hammer, get the hammer ,get the hammer....after getting the hammer ,he noticed he had no nails, so he said: honey, please get me some nails...once again ,she left ,saying get the nails, get the nails, get the nails....She returned ,giving him the the nails,and he proceeded to nail down the new shingles ,bam bam bam ,then he hit his thumb with the hammer and he screamed... PHUCK!!!!! She ran off, saying get the bag, get the bag ,get the bag....

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  #1292 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2010, 12:14 PM
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The RULES!!

1. The Female is never wrong.
2. The Female always makes the RULES
3. The RULES are subject to change at any time without notification
4. No Male can possibly know all the RULES
5. If the Female suspects that the Male knows any or all of the RULES, she must immediately change some or all of the RULES
6. If for some reason the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the Male said or did
7. If RULE 6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without written consent from the Female
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time
11. The Male must remain calm at all times unless the Female has given him consent to be angry or upset
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether or not she want him to be angry or upset
13. Any attempt by the Male to document the RULES for others to be aware could result in grievous bodily harm to him
14. If the Female has PMS, all above stated RULES can be considered null and void and the Male is warned that he will be suspected of modifying them for his own purposes.
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  #1293 (permalink)  
Old 02-10-2010, 02:11 PM
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On one episode of "Home Improvement" Jill was explaining the rules of when and when not to keep a secret, - - - - and Tim "the tool man" Taylor replied - - "IS THERE A BOOK ON THIS?"
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  #1294 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2010, 10:48 AM
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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their
car which said:

'Two Prostitutes -- $50.00.'

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd
either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: 'JESUS SAVES.'

One of the girls asked the officer, 'How come you don't stop them?!'

'Well, that's a little different,' the officer smiled, 'Their sign pertains to religion.'

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two 'ho's
driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

'Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.
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  #1295 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2010, 03:21 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A group of 40 year old college friends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the wait-staff there was very attractive ... and young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View Restaurant because they had never been there before.

(incase you didn't find this funny, just wait a few years and you will)
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  #1296 (permalink)  
Old 02-11-2010, 04:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet

(incase you didn't find this funny, just wait a few years and you will)
I wont even go to HS and college reunions any more - I can't remember their names but when reminded, for sure don't recognize 'em.......uh what were we discussing again?

Dave W
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  #1297 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 08:00 AM
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More Bumper Stickers:

Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

So many pedestrians so little time

He who dies with the most toys....still dies

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

Honk if anything falls off

Cover me - I'm changing lanes

He who hesitates is not only lost but miles from the next exit

This bumper sticker exploits illiterates

Visualize using your turn signals

Where are we going, and why am I in this hand basket?

If you're not outraged you're not paying attention

Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.

Do I look like a freakin' people person?

I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Let me show you how the guards used to do it.

Better living through denial.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?

Adults are just kids who owe money.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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  #1298 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 08:55 AM
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LOL ,once again ...Thanks for making my day start off right... Especially today ...no smoking all day, every friday from now on. I'm not even grumpy yet)...
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  #1299 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 12:44 PM
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Dementia Quiz



First Question :

You Are A Participant In A Race. You Overtake
The Second Person. What Position Are You In?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~








Answer : If You Answered That You Are First,
Then You Are Absolutely Wrong! If You Overtake The
Second Person And You Take His Place, You Are In Second Place!

Try To Do Better Next Time.
Now Answer The Second Question,
But Don't Take As Much Time As
You Took For The First Question, Ok?





Second Question :
I F You Overtake The Last Person, Then You Are....?
(scroll Down)




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~













Answer : If You Answered That You Are Second To Last, Then You Are.....
Wrong Again. Tell Me Sunshine, How Can You Overtake The Last Person??


You're Not Very Good At This, Are You?


Third Question :
V Ery Tricky Arithmetic! Note:
This Must Be Done In Your Head Only.
Do Not Use Paper And Pencil Or A Calculator .
Try It.

Take 1000 And Add 40 To It.. Now Add Another 1000 Now Add 30.
Add Another 1000. Now Add 20 ... Now Add Another 1000 .
Now Add 10. What Is The Total?


Scroll Down For The Correct Answer........




~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~










Did You Get 5000 ?

The Correct Answer Is Actually 4100 ...



If You Don't Believe It, Check It With A Calculator!
Today Is Definitely Not Your Day, Is It?

Maybe You'll Get The Last Question Right... Maybe...



Fourth Question :

Mary's Father Has Five Daughters:
1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, And ???


2. What Is The Name Of The Fifth Daughter?







~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~





Did You Answer Nunu? No! Of Course It Isn't.
Her Name Is Mary! Read The Question Again!







Okay, Now The Bonus Round,
I.e., A Final Chance To
Redeem Yourself:





A Mute Person Goes Into A Shop And Wants To Buy A Toothbrush.
By Imitating The Action Of Brushing His Teeth He
Successfully Expresses Himself To The Shopkeeper And The Purchase Is Done.
Next, A Blind Man Comes Into The Shop Who Wants To Buy A
Pair Of Sunglasses; How Does He Indicate What He Wants?





~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~






It's Really Very Simple
He Opens His Mouth And Asks For It...
Does Your Employer Actually Pay You To Think??
If So Do Not Let Them See Your Answers For This Test!
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  #1300 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 05:29 PM
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I got the first one right,.. but it wasn't the same as yours.... since I was racing a car I was in sitting position.... for the second question ,I blew the motor trying into get first place and had to pit came in last ,couldn't pass anything...had to get pushed. i think you got me on the third on though I got 5,000 five times ...the last two were easy..I love this kind of stuff. wish I could remember some...
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  #1301 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 05:47 PM
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wish I could remember some...[/QUOTE]

I know that mind
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  #1302 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
wish I could remember some...
you gotta get some before you can remember it, don't you ?
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  #1303 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 06:15 PM
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OK a basket contains five apples can you figure out how to divide the apples up so five kids can each get an apple and still have an apple in the basket?........................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...............four kids each get an apple and one gets the basket with the apple in it....
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  #1304 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 06:16 PM
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She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!'
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face
'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'

* * * * * * * * * * *

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.. She called on him and said, 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.
Little Johnny asked, " Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
(this is my favorite)

* * * * * * * * * * *

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?'
His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ...'
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  #1305 (permalink)  
Old 02-12-2010, 06:24 PM
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holly crap,is everyone snowed in ............The captain of a ship was telling this interesting story: "We traveled the sea far and wide. At one time, two of my sailors were standing on opposite sides of the ship. One was looking west and the other one east. And at the same time, they could see each other clearly."
How can that be possible?
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