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  #121 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 05:15 AM
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Living At The Speed Of Life
 
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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that.

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  #122 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 05:18 AM
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A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2”in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous – yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar – effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

“Now,” said the professor, as the laughter subsided,”I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things – your family, your partner, your health, your children—things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff.”

“If you put the sand into the jar first,” he continued “There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks.”

“The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first—the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.”

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. “I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers.”
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  #123 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 12:58 PM
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Pasting and copying my emails once again, this one comes from my friend Phill....


A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra .... I'm still not hungry." .

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."


hahahahahaha, thats funny.
( I hope I never have to take that stuff, it'll be cutting into my HR.com time... )

Later, mikey
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  #124 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 01:09 PM
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More lawyer humor..

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A. Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and night crawlers.

Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A. Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new car.

Q. Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?
A. No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q. What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A. The caterer.

Q. How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A. Other lawyers look interested.

Q. What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q. If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A. You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A. Lawyers accumulate frequent flier points.

Q. What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A. Jewelry.



In a while, Chet.
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  #125 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 01:19 PM
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One more lawyer joke ( I have to stop picking on them-- After all, it's the 99 percent that give that 1 percent a bad name...).


This one comes from my dad. What do you call 100 lawyers in the bottom of the Mississippi river? A piddle poor start....

What's the difference between a catfish and an attorney? One is a low down, slimy bottom feeder, and the other is a fish.......


In a while, Chet.


BTW, you'll have to forgive me for not counting right, I'm wearing shoes right now....
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  #126 (permalink)  
Old 01-18-2008, 10:32 PM
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Whats the difference between a woman and a cat?

One's a finicky eater that doesn't care if you live or die , the other one poops in a litter box.
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  #127 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2008, 02:47 AM
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What's the difference between an Elephant & a feminist?

Around 250lbs & a pair of dungarees!



What's black & tan & looks great on the mother-in-law?

A Doberman!
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  #128 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2008, 05:38 PM
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How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it!
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  #129 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2008, 07:36 PM
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Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a country music concert!


In a while, Chet.
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  #130 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2008, 07:42 PM
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This just in from the Institute of Advanced Propagation.


News Bulletin


**Scientists have now confirmed what married men have known for years. There is one food on planet Earth that will completely obliterate a woman's sexual appetite. The food?











Wedding Cake.


In a while, Chet.
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  #131 (permalink)  
Old 01-19-2008, 09:24 PM
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Why do doctors slap babies on the bottom when they are first born....


It knocks the penises off the stupid ones.


Later, mikey
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  #132 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2008, 03:59 AM
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What do all battered wives have in common?

Lack of respect.



What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef...



...Got stung by a bee yesterday,

$25 for a pot of honey!



What's the difference between an Impreza and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up an Impreza.
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  #133 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2008, 08:39 AM
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One sunny day in 2009, an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Ave. , where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine replied, "Sir, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The old man said, "Okay," and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mrs. Clinton is not President and doesn't reside here."

The man thanked him and again walked away . . .

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Hillary Clinton."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mrs. Clinton. I've told you already several times that Mrs. Clinton is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?"

The old man answered, "Oh, I understand you fine, I just love hearing your answer!"

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow, Sir."
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  #134 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2008, 08:52 AM
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So there are three girls: a redhead, a brunette and a blonde.

The three girls are at a historical inn. They stop to take a tour. The innkeeper shows them a mirror. He says that if you tell a lie in front of it, you disappear.

The redhead goes up to the mirror and says: "I think I'm pretty" and POOF! She disappears.

Then the brunette goes up to the mirror and says: "I think I'm slim" and POOF! she was gone, too.

Then the blonde goes up to the mirror and says "I think-" and POOF! She was gone.
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  #135 (permalink)  
Old 01-20-2008, 01:30 PM
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
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