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  #1336 (permalink)  
Old 02-18-2010, 12:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by deadbodyman
hey Blue...... wait till i tell my wife.LOL
Please don't tell me she has been working the same puzzle for a week!

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  #1337 (permalink)  
Old 02-18-2010, 12:34 PM
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A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Tom to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Tom loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end.Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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  #1338 (permalink)  
Old 02-18-2010, 03:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blue54
Please don't tell me she has been working the same puzzle for a week!
No,quite the opposite, shes pretty smart ...it only took her a few hours to realize half her puzzle was missing and she did move her tiger puzzles away from my frosted flakes after that incident.(i was drunk)
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  #1339 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2010, 06:37 AM
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Boudreaux The Olympian

Boudreaux met this stunningly beautiful woman. From first sight, he was in love. She was the woman of his dreams. He romanced her very quickly, told her he wanted to marry her, 5 minutes after meeting. She laughed and blushed and told him how silly he was. She said, Boudreaux, you don't know anything about me. He said, we'll get to know one another with time, but I know I have to have you. He continued to pursue her, eventually talking her into marriage, with a promise to take care of her. They married and went to a beautiful water park in Florida for their honeymoon.
They layed in the sun on the first honeymoon day, then Boudreaux says watch this, he goes over to the highest diving board and proceeds to do multiple spectacular dives to her delight. She says, I didn't know you could do that. He says, I'm a former Olympian diver, see, I told you we would get to know one another with time. She says, watch this, jumps into the longest lap pool and proceeds to swim 30 laps, non stop, comes back over and sits,not even out of breath. Boudreaux says, Wow, you must have been an Olympic swimmer. She says, no, I'm just a whore from down the bayou, but I'm in real good shape cause I worked Both sides of the bayou. You'll learn more about me with time.
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  #1340 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2010, 08:56 AM
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At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages..

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every
now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on
he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over
after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on,
"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
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  #1341 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2010, 09:28 AM
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A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?" The older doctor demanded. "Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
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  #1342 (permalink)  
Old 02-19-2010, 05:53 PM
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Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'
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  #1343 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2010, 01:39 AM
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I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to sheet yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement. Despite the chilies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.

Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh Oh, ****, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chilies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chilies fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an orange aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. .........BIG mistake!!!!!

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-*****! , did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.

Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his apron up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store

--
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  #1344 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2010, 06:28 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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"This is why some people cry at Weddings !"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FMVbZtuxYPU
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  #1345 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2010, 07:47 AM
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HAHAHA ,Great wedding pics Wratch
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  #1346 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2010, 08:34 AM
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After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's with that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You a##hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'
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  #1347 (permalink)  
Old 02-20-2010, 12:53 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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"Priceless"


Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn ' t seem to get to work on time.


Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

' ' Well good, you are a team player. That ' s what I like to hear. It ' s odd though your coming in late. I know you ' re retired from the Armed Forces.

What did they say if you came in late there?"

' ' They said, ' Good morning, General, can I get you coffee, sir? ' ' '
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  #1348 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2010, 05:15 AM
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edited ,cant copy links

Last edited by deadbodyman; 02-22-2010 at 05:28 AM.
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  #1349 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:32 AM
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Twinkie......

Hi,a little girl went with her father,to watch him get a hair cut. she was standing close to the barber,eating a piece of cake. the barber told her "honey,you are standing too close,you are going to get hair on your twinkie" the little girl replied "i know,and my mom told me,that someday,i was going to get boobs too" her father fainted.
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  #1350 (permalink)  
Old 02-22-2010, 07:41 AM
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Welfare Application

Welfare worker met with a woman who was applying for welfare benefits. The worker asked a few basic questions, then moved on to the paperwork portion. She asked, how many children? I have five children. I'll need their names, starting with the oldest. My oldest is Leroy. Okay, the second child? Second to oldest is Leroy. Wait a minute, we already have Leroy. Second one named Leroy too. Okay Mam, whats the third to oldest? Third to oldest is Leroy. Wait a minute, Are you trying to tell me that all of your children are named Leroy? Yes Mam. If they all have the same name, how do you get their attention when calling them out? Oh, I just call em by their last name.
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