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  #1351 (permalink)  
Old 02-23-2010, 11:13 AM
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A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought for a moment and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.....'

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  #1352 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2010, 08:37 AM
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Boudreaux was out in da field talkin' wit his frien Thibodeaux.

Thibodeaux said "Boudreaux , you see dat ole barn out dere?
Well man, its completely infestered wit rats. I tried everything I know
an can't get rid of dem."

Boudreaux say, "Thibodeaux, I know xactly how to get
rid of dem rats. You gotta get you one of dem bull constriptors."

Thibodeaux say, Whats a bull constriptor?".

Boudreaux explains, "man dats one of dem big ole snakes and he loves to eat
rats and swallers dem whole, all at once".

Well, da nex day Thibodeaux went down to Kliberts reptile
farm and bought him da biggest bull constripter dat dey got.
He brought dat snake to da barn an let him loose right in da middle
and just sat dere and watched. Well, Thibodeaux was watchin' for a
long time, I mean long, an dere wasn't nuttin ' happening. Dat big
ole snake jus curled up hiself in da middle of dat barn and slept all day.
He didn't even move and dem rats jus run all around. So Thibodeaux
got real frustrated and he called up Boudreaux on da phone, "Boudreaux, man
dats some bad advice bout dat snake. Dem rats is still runnin' al around
and dat snake jus lays dere sleepin' all day long."

Boudreaux says, "Man, Thibodeaux, I know just what to do. Give
dat snake some Viagra."

Thibodeaux say, "What! Viagra! What's dat gonna do?"

Boudreaux say,"I was just listening to da radio and de
man say dat Viagra is da best ting to use for a reptile
dysfunction."
__________________
"When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not." - Mark Twain
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  #1353 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2010, 12:45 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A Short Spelling Lesson

The last four letters in American...........I CAN

The last four letters in Republican.........I CAN

The last four letters in Democrats..........RATS (nothing personal, Bill)


End of Lesson!
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  #1354 (permalink)  
Old 02-25-2010, 03:35 PM
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No offense taken Meller,,, cuz I'm a indie,,, can't blame me for none of this mess,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
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  #1355 (permalink)  
Old 02-27-2010, 07:10 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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"HELP"

Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?

I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems
I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his entire Cabinet
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  #1356 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2010, 06:10 PM
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A woman was in a coma. She had been there for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of
them was washing her private area when she noticed there was
a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. She
tried it a ga in, and sure enough there was a small recognizable
movement.

The nurses went to her husband and explained what happened,
Telling him,"As crazy as it sounds, maybe a little oral sex will
stimulate her enough to bring her out of her coma."

The husband was skeptical, but when they assured him that they
would close the curtains for privacy, he finally agreed and went
into his wife's room.

After a few minutes, the woman's monitor flatlined -- no pulse,
no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the room."What happened?"
they crie d.

The husband said," I'm not sure. Maybe she choked???"
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  #1357 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2010, 06:13 PM
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Irish Wedding

Paddy was planning to marry, he was, and asked his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be was still a virgin.

His doctor said, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."

Paddy asked, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"

The doctor replied, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'
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  #1358 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2010, 06:22 PM
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Only the Irish have Jokes Like These

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little s**t, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
" That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ************************************************** ******
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
" So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
" I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


************************************************** ************************************************** *******

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?"
he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim.. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

************************************************** ************************************************** ********

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, " So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news . My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'


************************************************** ************************************************** *****


AND THE BEST FOR LAST

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
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  #1359 (permalink)  
Old 03-01-2010, 06:40 PM
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Amish and the elevator

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall for the first time.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....




'Go get your mother.'
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  #1360 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2010, 01:49 PM
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A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde.

'They're watch dogs'!
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  #1361 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2010, 03:52 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Dateline - - TODAY - - - the U.S. Olympic Committee has taken Lindsay Vonn's Gold Medal for the Downhill away !

They have given it to the person who has gone Downhill faster than anyone else in the last year - - - - Barrack Obama !

Congrats to Barry
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  #1362 (permalink)  
Old 03-03-2010, 06:34 PM
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For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford
it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front
door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little
Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you
telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by
myself with a $280,000 mortgage and no f*@#en bike

lmfao
later gator
russ
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  #1363 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2010, 08:13 AM
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Doggy Style

Hey Whinny,
That reminded me of an oldie but goodie;
Couple making love late one night, hear a little noise in the room, look up to realize their son is watching.
Woman is totally embarrassed, man gets up and brings the child back to his room. Kid wants to know what they were doing?
Man explains to his son that they were having sex. Son do you remember when we mated our dog and soon after we had puppies? Well, your Mom and I were doing the same thing, but we are trying to have a new brother or sister for you.
Kid now understands and his Dad gets him back to sleep.
The couple gets back to bed and after a while resume their lovemaking.
All a sudden the door busts open and the kid says, roll her over Dad, I think I'd rather have another puppy.
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  #1364 (permalink)  
Old 03-05-2010, 11:00 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the
doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live..

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time? '

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife ' s shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die. '

She says, ' Of course, Dear, ' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls to sleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he ' s down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. ' Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could... '

At this point the wife sits up and says, ' Listen Morris, enough is enough I have to get up in the morning... you don ' t. '
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  #1365 (permalink)  
Old 03-07-2010, 06:22 AM
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SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,...........
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea, ' she replied ' Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f*&@ing blanket.'


Then, after a moment of silence...................... he farted.





THE END



=
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