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  #1366 (permalink)  
Old 03-08-2010, 12:01 PM
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One dark night outside a small town on the Wisconsin - Minnesota border, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed over to the fire chief. 'All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $100,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact!'

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon, more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. In the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearbyNorwegian Rural Township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians well over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant and, without even slowing down, drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norse old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

Vell,' said Ole Oleson, the 80-year-old fire chief, 'Da first ting ve gonna do is fix DA brakes on dat folking truck!!
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  #1367 (permalink)  
Old 03-08-2010, 06:13 PM
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Indian Wanting Coffee:

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun
In one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter:

"Want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure, Chief. Coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp,
Turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
Causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere And then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns.
He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
Another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to
The waiter "Want coffee."

The waiter says "Whoa Tonto"!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday.
What was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress:
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull,
Leave mess for others to clean up,
Disappear for rest of day."
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  #1368 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2010, 06:13 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A husband asked his wife, "You never argue when I get mad at you.

How do you always control your anger?"

"I clean the toilet," she replies.

"How does that help?" he asks.

"I use your toothbrush."
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  #1369 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2010, 01:00 PM
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Dawson and his buddy Billy Bob were out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach the hole and are amazed by the size of it. Dawson says "Wow, that's some hole. I can't see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."

Billy Bob says "I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit the bottom."

Dawson says "There's an old automobile transmission over here by the bushes, give me a hand and we'll throw it in the hole and see."

So they pick up the old transmission and carry over to the hole and count one, two, and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge when they hear a rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around, a goat comes crashing through the brush, runs up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jumps in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what the heck was going on, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

Dawson says "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago when a goat came running out of them bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "Why that's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission."
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  #1370 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2010, 01:04 PM
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Hahahaha, it looks like you, also, watched Shotgun Red last night
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  #1371 (permalink)  
Old 03-10-2010, 07:04 AM
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We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid b ! tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her fat @ $$ downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
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  #1372 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2010, 02:43 AM
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5B-sDQF6P-g

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  #1373 (permalink)  
Old 03-11-2010, 01:52 PM
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One time there was an old Horse Trader that was wheeling and dealing with an old Redneck boy on a little Dun Gelding that he had.

The Redneck Bubba asked him "Can you shoot off this horse?"

The Horse Trader said "Yes you can !"

Then the old Redneck Boy said "Then I'll take him and pay your price !"

The weekend rolled around and the Redneck decided that he would take his Dogs and his new Hunting Pony out and run some Deer. Well as luck would have it the Dogs jumped a big old buck just as he turned them loose and took after him.

The old Redneck boy was very familiar with the Woods and the Wildlife and he knew exactly where that big old buck was going to cross the road. He jumped on old Dunny and off they went to head the dogs and deer off at the crossing.

He was amazed at how fast that Pony could run and said to himself "I really got to that old Horse Trader on this deal"

Well just as they got to the spot where he figured they would cross, here they came and he was ready with his J.C.Higgins pump shotgun loaded with double nought buck !

Sure enuff the old Buck hit the clearing and stopped to look at the horse and just that time old "Bubba" pulled the trigger.

When that shotgun went off, that Dun horse swallowed his head a commenced to buck and it didn't take but about three good jumps and he chunked old Bubba right in the middle of a saw-briar patch.

Well, it took the rest of the night for Bubba to finally track down old Dunny and get back home and just as daylight was breaking he was pulling into that Horse Traders driveway.

The old Horse Trader came out on the front porch and said "Good Morning, you want some coffee?"

Old Bubba replied "Hell No, I want my money back !"

The old Horse Trader said "What's the problem with the horse?"

Bubba replied "You told me that you could shoot off him and when I did he bucked me off into a briar-patch!"

The old Horse Trader said "Yeah, but I didn't say you could shoot more that once, did I?"
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  #1374 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
One time there was an old Horse Trader that was wheeling and dealing with an old Redneck boy on a little Dun Gelding that he had.

The Redneck Bubba asked him "Can you shoot off this horse?"

The Horse Trader said "Yes you can !"

Then the old Redneck Boy said "Then I'll take him and pay your price !"

The weekend rolled around and the Redneck decided that he would take his Dogs and his new Hunting Pony out and run some Deer. Well as luck would have it the Dogs jumped a big old buck just as he turned them loose and took after him.

The old Redneck boy was very familiar with the Woods and the Wildlife and he knew exactly where that big old buck was going to cross the road. He jumped on old Dunny and off they went to head the dogs and deer off at the crossing.

He was amazed at how fast that Pony could run and said to himself "I really got to that old Horse Trader on this deal"

Well just as they got to the spot where he figured they would cross, here they came and he was ready with his J.C.Higgins pump shotgun loaded with double nought buck !

Sure enuff the old Buck hit the clearing and stopped to look at the horse and just that time old "Bubba" pulled the trigger.

When that shotgun went off, that Dun horse swallowed his head a commenced to buck and it didn't take but about three good jumps and he chunked old Bubba right in the middle of a saw-briar patch.

Well, it took the rest of the night for Bubba to finally track down old Dunny and get back home and just as daylight was breaking he was pulling into that Horse Traders driveway.

The old Horse Trader came out on the front porch and said "Good Morning, you want some coffee?"

Old Bubba replied "Hell No, I want my money back !"

The old Horse Trader said "What's the problem with the horse?"

Bubba replied "You told me that you could shoot off him and when I did he bucked me off into a briar-patch!"

The old Horse Trader said "Yeah, but I didn't say you could shoot more that once, did I?"
Wonder if anybody else knows what it means when a horse swallows his head.
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  #1375 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 06:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCMudbogger
Wonder if anybody else knows what it means when a horse swallows his head.
LOL, you do if you've ever been there
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  #1376 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 08:32 AM
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It means ,,, his head disappears and your A Z Z is on the ground,[ BUCKING in other words]he puts his head between his legs , humps his back' jumps in the air . and you meet the ground head first usually
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  #1377 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 10:21 AM
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A Farmer Decided He Wanted To Go To Town And See A Movie.

The Ticket Agent Asked, "sir, What's That On Your Shoulder?"

The Old Farmer Said, "that's My Pet Rooster Chuck. Wherever I Go, Chuck Goes."

"i'm Sorry Sir," Said The Ticket Agent. "we Can't Allow Animals In The Theater."

The Old Farmer Went Around The Corner And Stuffed Chuck Down His Overalls. Then He Returned To The Booth, Bought A Ticket, And Entered The Theater.

He Sat Down Next To Two Old Widows Named Mildred And Marge.

The Movie Started And The Rooster Began To Squirm. . . The Old Farmer Unbuttoned His Fly So Chuck Could Stick His Head Out And Watch The Movie.

"marge," Whispered Mildred.

"what?" Said Marge.

"i Think The Guy Next To Me Is A Pervert."

"what Makes You Think So?" Asked Marge?

"he Undid His Pants And He Has His Thing Out", Whispered Mildred.

"well, Don't Worry About It", Said Marge.. "at Our Age We've Seen 'em All"

"i Thought So Too", Said Mildred,

"but This One's Eatin' My Popcorn!"
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  #1378 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 01:57 PM
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I know trust me....LOL
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  #1379 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 02:04 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BBCMudbogger
I know trust me....LOL
hahaha, not easily forgotten, huh???
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  #1380 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 02:18 PM
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commence spurrin....lol
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