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  #1381 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 02:29 PM
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stay outa the D-rings

we'd better stop this blatant hi-jack or we're gonna get spurred

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  #1382 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 03:02 PM
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This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

'A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me..

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"


He said: "Who f*#&ed up your hair?"
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  #1383 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 08:42 PM
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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying:"Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter At Your Own Risk!"He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him."You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?" "I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers Im hauling.""Okay, truck drivers are not nerds," he says and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver is totally shocked."Why did you do that?" "Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You dont even need a license." The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen!He cant let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop."Whats wrong? I thought nerds were in season," says the truck driver."Well, sure," says the patrolman. "But you cant bait em!"
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  #1384 (permalink)  
Old 03-12-2010, 10:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
"But you cant bait em!"
Spew warning should be applied...LMAO!
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  #1385 (permalink)  
Old 03-13-2010, 07:43 PM
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Photo on the Nightstand

After a long night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.

'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.

'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.

She whispers in his ear,
.

'That's me before the surgery.'
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  #1386 (permalink)  
Old 03-16-2010, 03:53 PM
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A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife among the couple she worked for was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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  #1387 (permalink)  
Old 03-16-2010, 06:51 PM
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Paris Hilton claims that bees frighten her.














I would've thought the same goes for the rest of the alphabet, too!
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  #1388 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 05:59 AM
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a,b,c's

LOL,beat me to it JR...
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  #1389 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 07:20 AM
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Happy Saint Patty's Day, Y'all

Mrs Fowler was walking doon Greenlees Rd
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'Naw, no yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Don ovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh aye, Father!
Two sets o' twins and six singles,
Ten in aw!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'
She replied, 'E's gone to Rome
To blaw oot yer ***********n' candle.'
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  #1390 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 07:53 AM
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corned beef & cabbage today....

There was once an Irishman named Murphy who walked into an American Bar. He sat down and asked the Bartender "Give me three shots o' your finest Irish Whiskey!" the Bartender complies.

After about a week the bartender asks, "Murphy, would it be better for yeh if I put all three shots of Irish Whiskey into one glass?"

Murphy replied, "well no. See I have two other brothers back at home, Patrick and Owen, and everytime I come into a Pub or Bar I order a shot for each o' them so I can remember the good times."

Well, after another week of this routine, Murphy comes into the bar and only asks for two shots of Irish Whiskey. The bartender immediately says "Murphy, is everything ok? Did somethin' happen to one of your brothers?" "Oh no", Murphy said, "I just decided to quit drinkin!"
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  #1391 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 07:57 AM
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'



Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'



Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk..

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'




Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'



Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his bum was cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood..

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and bum and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Happy St. Paddys Day!
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  #1392 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 08:08 AM
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Ear Hairs
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian..
He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted
to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some
"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register the druggist tells her,
"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms."

The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either;
if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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  #1393 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 09:17 AM
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Irish sayings Toasts and Blessings

May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.
May those who love us, love us.
And for those who don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he can not turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we may know them by their limping.
May you live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live.


There are good ships, and there are wood ships, the ships that sail the sea.But the best ships are friendships, and may they always be.

May the sons of your daughters smile up in your face."


May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whiskey,
but be afflicted with itching without the benefit of scratching


May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.


Here's to you and yours. And to mine and ours.And if mine and ours ever come across to you and yours, I hope you and yours will do as much for mine and ours as mine and ours have done for you and yours!


A toast to your coffin.
May it be made of 100 year old oak.
And may we plant the tree together, tomorrow.


May God bring good health to your enemies enemies


Friend of my soul, this goblet sip
'twill chase the pensive tear.
'Tis not so sweet as woman's lip
but oh, 'tis more sincere.


I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own

May the dust of your carriage blind the eyes of your foe!

May you never forget what is worth remembering,
Or remember what is best forgotten.


An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall on the face of the earth.

I have known many
liked not a few
loved only one
so this toast's for you


St. Patrick was a gentleman, who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland, Here's a toasting his health
But not too many lest you lose yourself and then
You forget the good St. Patrick and see those snakes again

May you get all your wishes but one,
So you always have something to strive for.

May there be a fox on your fishing hook
and a hare on your bait
and may you kill no fish
until St. Brigid's Day

Here's to our wives and girlfriends:
May they never meet!

May the Lord keep you in His hand and never close His fist too tight.

Here's to you as good as you are
and here's to me as bad as I am
As Good As you are and as bad as I am
I'm as Good as you are
As Bad As I am!

May you have no frost on your Spuds,
No worms on your cabbage.
May your goat give plenty of milk.
If you inherit a donkey, may she be in foal.
Don't walk in front of me I may not follow.
Don't walk behind me I may not lead.
Walk beside me And just be my friend.

May the grass grow long on the road to he11 for want of use.

Here's to me, and here's to you,
And here's to love and laughter-
I'll be true as long as you,
And not one moment after.

Health, and long life to you
Land without rent to you
The partner of your heart to you
and when you die, may your bones rest in Ireland!

Here's to Eve the mother of us all,
And here's to Adam who was Johnny on the spot when the leaf
began to fall.

May the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends gathered below never fall out.

There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head,
If a man doesn't drink when he's living,
How the heck can he drink when he's dead?

May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.

May you be in heaven 1/2 hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Here's to the bull that roams through the wood,
and does all the heifer's so very much good,
for if it was nay for him, and his little red rod,
there'd be none of here could eat steak by God.

May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future.

Catch the moments as they fly
and use them as ye ought man,
believe me happiness is shy
and comes not aye when sought man.

Here's to you, here's to me, the best of friends we'll always be. But if we ever disagree, forget you here's to ME!!

Ode to Beer
Of all my favorite things to do, The
utmost is to have a brew. My love grows for my
foamy friend, with each thirst-quenching elbow
bend. Beer's so frosty, smooth, and cold------
It's paradise----Pure liquid gold | Yes beer
means many things to me that's all for now -------I
gotta Pee

Here's to the land of the Shamrock so green,
Here's to each Lad and his darlin Colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless ole Ireland, that's and Irish mans toast.

In Heaven there is no beer, that is why we drink it here.

May you be rich in blessings, poor in misfortune,
Slow to make enemies, quick to make friends.
But rich or poor, slow or quick,
May you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

May your troubles be as few and as far apart as my Grandmothers teeth.

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint-- and another one!

A Wedding Toast
Here's to lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking.
If you lie, may you lie together.
If you cheat, may you cheat the devil.
If you steal, may you steal each other's hearts.
And if you drink, may we all drink to your happiness.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and the road downhill all the way to your door.

May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

AND LAST!!!


As you slide down the banisters of life may the splinters never point the wrong way.



Dave W (AKA Ireland's Child!!)
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  #1394 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 09:44 AM
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IC,This pints for you... BTW there are no poisonous snakes in Maine either...This pints for Maine....And as for me dear old red headed mum ...this pints for you...I better call a taxi I dont want to get pulled over on my way to the pub...
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  #1395 (permalink)  
Old 03-17-2010, 10:18 AM
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In Texas we say "May you live as long as you want to and may you want to as long as you live"
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