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  #1426 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2010, 12:03 AM
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bentwings
 
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You will be missing your wallet before too long too. haha

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  #1427 (permalink)  
Old 04-03-2010, 08:34 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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One Monday morning the UPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route.

As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Bob , the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob , looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the UPS man comments.

Bob , in obvious pain, replies "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.

We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The UPS man thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"


"Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The UPS man laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responded.
"Your name came up seven times......."
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  #1428 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2010, 09:09 AM
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The liberals are asking us to give Obama time.
We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
America needs Obama-care like Nancy Pelosi needs a Halloween mask.
--- Jay Leno

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's' new Obama Value Meal?
A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
--- Conan O'Brien

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
--- Jay Leno

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society.
The other is for housing prisoners.
--- David Letterman

Q: If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved?
A: America !
--- Jimmy Fallon

Q: What's the difference between Obama and his dog, Bo?
A: Bo has papers.
--- Jimmy Kimmel

Q: What was the most positive result of the "Cash for clunkers" program?
A: It took 95% of the Obama bumper stickers off the road.
--- David Letterman
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  #1429 (permalink)  
Old 04-05-2010, 01:14 PM
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Some people are to stupid to even ride the bus

Watch the vidio ,thats funny but listen to the comments made by the "non- white" people in the background for a real laugh........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jXIO08g4Y5Y

Last edited by deadbodyman; 04-05-2010 at 01:27 PM.
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  #1430 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2010, 09:12 AM
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SOUTHERN MEDICAL DICTIONARY

Artery---------------------The study of paintings
Bacteria-------------------Back door to cafeteria
Barium---------------------What doctors do when patients die
Benign---------------------What you be after you be eight
Cesarean Section-----------A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan-------------------Searching for kitty
Cauterize------------------Made eye contact with her
Colic----------------------A sheep dog
Coma-----------------------A punctuation mark
Dilate---------------------To live long
Enema----------------------Not a friend
Fester---------------------Quicker than someone else
Fibula---------------------A small lie
Impotent-------------------Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain-----------------Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff--------------A doctor's cane
Morbid---------------------A higher offer
Nitrates-------------------Cheaper than day rates
Node-----------------------I knew it
Outpatient-----------------A person who has fainted
Pelvis---------------------Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative-------------A letter carrier
Recovery Room--------------A place to do upholstery
Rectum---------------------Damn near killed him
Secretion------------------Hiding something
Seizure--------------------Roman emperor
Tablet---------------------A small table
Terminal illness-----------Getting sick at the airport
Tumor----------------------One plus one more
Urine----------------------Opposite of you're out
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  #1431 (permalink)  
Old 04-07-2010, 12:20 PM
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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  #1432 (permalink)  
Old 04-09-2010, 09:59 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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If you don't think this Guy is funny, just wait a few years and you will !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPIN...layer_embedded
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  #1433 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2010, 12:48 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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A Texan is drinking in a California bar when he gets a call on his cell phone...He orders drinks for everybody in the bar because his wife has just given birth to a baby boy weighing 25 pounds .

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 lbs , but the Texan just shrugs, "That's about average in Texas, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Texas baby boy."

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender asks, "Say, you're the father of that baby that weighed 25 lbs at birth, aren't you?

Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks...so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds ."

The bartender is puzzled, and concerned.. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born."

The Texas father takes a slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised".
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  #1434 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2010, 06:01 AM
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That reminds me of an old one about a guy named Tex..I wont waste your time, but after a woman makes a few comments about ole Texs' physical attributes Ole Tex says :Yup everythings big in texas, BTW,Maam,what part of Texas are ya'll from?
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  #1435 (permalink)  
Old 04-11-2010, 04:37 PM
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If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
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  #1436 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2010, 12:57 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
If you don't think this Guy is funny, just wait a few years and you will !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnPIN...layer_embedded

Funny stuff!
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  #1437 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2010, 12:14 PM
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The Hormone Guide

Women will understand this!
Men should memorize it!

Every woman knows that there are days when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands!

This is a handy guide that should be carried like a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, co-worker or significant other!


DANGEROUS
SAFER
SAFEST
ULTRA SAFE

What's for
dinner?
Can I help you
with dinner?
Where would you like
to go for dinner?
Here, have some wine.

Are you
wearing that?
You sure look good in brown!
WOW! Look at you!
Here, have some wine

What are you
so worked up about?
Could we be
overreacting?
Here's my paycheck.
Here, have some wine.

Should you be
eating that?
You know, there are
a lot of apples left.
Can I get you a piece
of chocolate with that?
Here, have some wine.

What did you
DO all day?
I hope you didn't
over-do it today.
I've always loved you
in that robe!
Here, have some wine.


12 Things PMS Stands For


1. Pass My Shotgun

2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section

5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. Plainly; Men Suck

11. Pack My Stuff

and my favorite one:

12. Potential Murder Suspect



Oh and, have some wine.
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  #1438 (permalink)  
Old 04-12-2010, 01:06 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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PERFECT
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  #1439 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2010, 04:26 AM
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Ahhh, PMS,my wife has it so bad she has AMs and PMs
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  #1440 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2010, 06:35 AM
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(here's one on the lighter side for this morning)

A Cowboy Buys A Bra...


I ain't much for shopping,
Nor even goin' into town -
Except at cattle-shipping time,
I ain't easily found.

But the day came when I had to go
And I left the kids with ma.
But before I left she asked me,
"Would you pick me up a bra?"

Without thinkin' I said "Sure,"
How tough could that job be?
I bent down and kissed her
And said, "I'll be back by three."

Well, when I done the things I needed,
I started to regret
Ever offering to buy that thing,
I was working up a sweat.

I crossed the street to the ladies shop
With my hat pulled over my eyes,
I wasn't takin' any chances
On bein' recognized.

I walked up to the sales clerk -
I didn't hem or haw -
I told the lady right straight out,
"Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."

From behind I heard some snickers,
So I turned around to see
At least fifteen women in the store
And they's all gawkin' at me!

"What kind would you be looking for?"
"Well," I just scratched my head.
I'd only seen one kind before
"Thought bras was bras," I said.

She gives me a disgusted look,
"Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
And like a dog, I tagged along.

She took me down this alley
Where bras was on display.
Well, I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
When I seen that lingerie.

They had all these different styles
That I'd not seen before
I thought that I'd go crazy
'fore I left that women's store.

They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
And bras that cross your heart.
There was bras that lift and separate,
And that was just the start.

They had bras that made you feel
Like you weren't wearing one at all,
And bras that you can train in
When you start off when you're small.

Well, I finally make my mind up -
Picked a black and lacy one -
I told the lady, "Bag it up,"
And figured I was done

But then she asked me for the size.
I didn't hesitate.
I knew them measurements by heart,
"A six-and-seven-eighths."

"Six and seven eighths, well sir,
That really isn't right."
"Oh, yes ma'am! Yeah, I'm positive,
I just measured them last night."

I thought that she'd go into shock,
Musta took her by surprise
When I told her that my wife's bust
Was the same as my hat size.

"That's what I used to measure with,
I figured it was fair,
But if I'm wrong, I'm sorry ma'am."
This drew another stare.

By now a crowd had gathered
And they's all crackin' up
When the lady asked to see my hat,
To measure for the cup.

When she finally had it figured,
I gave the gal her pay.
Then I turned to leave the store,
Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."

My wife heard the whole story
'fore I ever made it home.
She'd talked to fifteen women
Who'd called her on the phone.

She was still a-laughin'
But by then I didn't care.
Now she don't ask and I don't shop
For no more women's underwear.
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