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  #1441 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2010, 09:32 AM
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Hypnotism at the Senior Center


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you all into a trance - I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.

Claude the hypnotist said: "I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces.


'CRAP!' said the Hypnotist.


It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Center .
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  #1442 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2010, 07:52 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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  #1443 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2010, 08:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wretched ratchet
.......and he bowed AGAIN to the Chinese president - and this is not every libs target, Fox News, but a Chicago forum, where he's (currently) from!!!

http://www.chicagonow.com/blogs/publ...-weakling.html
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  #1444 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2010, 09:06 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Dear Lord,

This past year you have taken away

My favorite actor, Patrick Swayze.

My favorite actress, Farah Fawcett.

My favorite singer, Michael Jackson and

My favorite salesman, Billy Mays.

I just wanted to let you know that.....

Obama is my favorite President.

Amen !
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  #1445 (permalink)  
Old 04-14-2010, 10:28 AM
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UP & DOWN SEX

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day..

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,

'Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f#*k or drown

One more cast and then I'll leave,
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  #1446 (permalink)  
Old 04-15-2010, 03:54 AM
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Don't know if you guys have seen this....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BI_TP55RVjE
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  #1447 (permalink)  
Old 04-16-2010, 08:34 AM
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A LETTER TO JESSE JAMES


You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the most
beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now named
"America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in
front of the world while you were porkin' away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated ********* cheater on
the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating piece
of s*#t that you are:


Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let's do lunch.


Tiger
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  #1448 (permalink)  
Old 04-19-2010, 08:46 AM
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GOLF?, I thought it originated under the hood when a wrench slipped off?
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  #1449 (permalink)  
Old 04-20-2010, 10:52 AM
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No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is
something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks
like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the
young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to
chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to
"relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare
chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
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  #1450 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2010, 09:51 AM
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Clutching their Kohl's shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit..no flies, no smell.. What business could that poor kitty have had here?' murmured Ellen..'

Come on, Ellen, let's just go...'

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, 'I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue.. .'

She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it.

They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell.

They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.

They went through the serving line and sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk.

BUT not for long! As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car.. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision.. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement.

It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. 'Can you imagine?' finally sputtered Ellen.. 'The nerve of that woman!' Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief.

Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold:

After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat.

After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag.

Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911, while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney.

Two well-trained EMT volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
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  #1451 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2010, 03:27 PM
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The sharing of marriage...
The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered…










'THE TEETH.'
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  #1452 (permalink)  
Old 04-22-2010, 03:43 PM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carsavvycook
as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors................the Kohl's Bag perched on her stomach!!
(wiping tears and choking on a brew)

That is one of the best I've seen in a long time - - - - I had it under control until that last line and then I lost it !

Kudos Cole,
WR
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  #1453 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 10:25 AM
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Supply Auto aliminum Radiators

I am a garbage vendor and have been banned.

Last edited by killerformula; 04-23-2010 at 12:51 PM. Reason: Advertising. Please see: commercial posting guidelines.
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  #1454 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 11:12 AM
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one full turn after it squeeks
 
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WOW, Spammers in the JOKE THREAD - - - - LMAO

What is this world coming too???

Howver, I think I hear the Dump Truck backing up - - beep beep beep
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  #1455 (permalink)  
Old 04-23-2010, 01:29 PM
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OK Back to the daily funnies

Subject: FW: THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror
complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of
telling me it wasn't so, as he usually does, he uncharacteristically
came up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and
stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take," I asked. "They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband
replied. I stopped rubbing, and asked again, "Do you really think rubbing
a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my
breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he said, "Worked for your butt, didn't
it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even
walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through
a straw. Stupid, stupid man.
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